Three weeks in.

[Julieeb]

I am using this as a way to get my thoughts of my chest. Pls no judgment.  Not that I think anyone on here would.  I just feel so alone. I was diagnosed with depression three and a half weeks ago. I am 25 turning 26. I always thought in my own mind and this might sound so crazy but I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I would feel flat on weeks and would b doing nice stuff with my boyfriend but still feel lousy and low. I masked a lot with alcohol. Not a big drinker but it was almost an escape from the constant burden on my mind. I asked my friend - a few close ones - and my partner and my parents quite often "do you think I have depression" and they would look at me like I was crazy like why would you have something wrong with you your life is fine. I always googled depression and always had headaches. To hear a dr and physiatrist say I had depression and anxiety was hard. I always believe in gut feelings and mine have always been right. I always used to have headaches but since I have been diagnosed I don't anymore as much. It's all been really hard for me as I have had had reactions to the medication I first got put on which have also cropped up on my second lot of meds. Very bad thoughts which are disturbing. And not me. 

I really just want this nightmare to be over but I feel like the whole thing had just been a journey for me almost. Not a good one but I have had to realise where I have gone wrong and how my way of thinking and my coping skills and my outlook on things - which is bleak and very negative due to past hurts - has almost compounded my depression till this point where I was at a breakdown and couldn't go to work. I feel like all those years I suppressed this nagging feeling there was something wrong with me it's all now come out and consumed me and I have to now deal with it. I'm seeing a phyc and she says I will have to change my way of thinking which will b hard work. As it's been this way for years. I get caught up on the smallest thing and blow it up and get sooooo down and upset about it. I know I am doing it but I just can't stop. I hope I can start seeing some better results with the meds soon as I really do want to get better. I hope whoever reads this finds some sort of comfort or feels not so alone because I know I do. 

I 

[lukain]

First let me say you are right , No one here will judge you  many of us here are going thru some of the same things you are , I myself am new to this forum & have been treated for depression/Anxiety for 5+ years now and what I have found that helps is a simple someone to talk to  someone who understands your pain and while I am not a counselor or doctor I hope I can offer kind words of encouragement  and let you know you are not alone ..

You say you are on your 2nd lot of meds  so I am x'ing my fingers this is the correct conbonation  I know it took my Dr 2 years to find the right conbonation  for me, or as he calls it "The correct Coctail"

you say you mask alot with alchol the fact that you acknowledge this is an issue is a step in the right direction I would hope , For me its Chocolate/Candy  when i feel down I see Chocolate as my friend who never lets me down who I can rely on to lift my spirits .

Best wishes

Mark