Things keep getting worse...

[unicornprincess29]

Hi everyone,

I've had depression and anxiety for about a year now, and the past few months I just feel like everything is getting worse and it's harder to keep fighting it.

Initially it was just that I was having problems at uni... I failed a few subjects last year and was on the verge of being kicked out, however I wasn't because they took my mental illnesses and things happening at the time into account. I am however a year behind my friends now, and I just feel like the cohort I'm in now is so unfriendly compared to mine. We were all so close last year, but my new one is just so segregated and no one seems to really have friends. I'm currently waiting for my results from last semester, and I'm really anxious about it, because if I failed again, I'm definitely getting excluded and I would have no idea what to do if that happened. I need this degree for the field I want to go in to, and it's one of those degrees where if you get excluded from one uni, you're basically guaranteed to not be accepted elsewhere either. There's nothing else I want to do with my life though except this, so I'm just really worried at the moment.

Apart from this, I spent the majority of last year having problems with my BF's family, and I've spent the majority of this year having problems with my own. And every time I feel like I'm making progress with my family, it's one step forward, three steps back. I've been lucky though that my BF has been my absolute rock. However now the problems between my family and I are affecting my relationship with him, and things are going downhill very fast, and now I'm worried that we're going to end.

I don't have many friends, and the one or two I do have, have really busy lives so I feel like I don't have many people to talk to at all. I feel really alone a lot of the time now, and as the bad things keep piling on, I just get more tired of trying to fight it. It's kind of like I feel like I make some progress, but then something else happens, and it undoes the work I put into trying to fight this, and now it's just exhausting. I haven't ever had suicidal or self harm thoughts, but I do sometimes wonder what's the point of all this pain.

[unicornprincess29]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your insight about how psychologists work... I think I always had the idea that they would give me strategies, which if probably why I felt like it wasn't getting me anywhere, because I wasn't getting what I was expecting.

I saw the psychologist through a mental health plan via the GP. My GP recommends her to all of her patients apparently, but she wasn't the right one for me, I think. I probably will see someone again eventually, but I still feel as though right now isn't the right time for it. I feel like I've gotten to a pretty good place by myself, but I still think I'm a bit on the sensitive side, and I don't want a repeat of what happened with the last psych... i.e. start feeling worse again.

[unicornprincess29]

Also, Mary and demonblaster, I just wanted to post an update about what happened with my BF's family!

So on Thursday night my BF's parents had a farewell dinner at their workplace and we were both invited (my BF used to work there too). His parents were flying out on Friday morning so I thought it would be a good idea for us to both go, just so he could have one last chance to spend time with them. Anyway, at the end of the night, my BF's parents told me that I'm "a really beautiful person now that I've changed", and I had no idea what they meant. They don't speak English well though, so they explained it to my BF, and he gave them a pretty frustrated look and said something to them (he did not sound happy at all), and told me he'd explain it to me later. So anyway, we said our goodbyes, and when my BF and I were in the car on the way home, he told me that his parents said they like me now because I'm a different person to who I was before... as in I'm more open and friendly to them. And my BF said that he told his parents that I was always a nice person and very close to them, I only stopped being open when they started doing horrible things to me/him. So once again, really glad my BF had my back there.

Anyway, his parents are back home now. Today we had to go to their place for the final real estate inspection, and my BF had to pick up some stuff, and we found a present that the mum had made for me when she came initially last year. (

[unicornprincess29]

Also, Mary and demonblaster, I just wanted to post an update about what happened with my BF's family!
So on Thursday night my BF's parents had a farewell dinner at their workplace and we were both invited (my BF used to work there too). His parents were flying out on Friday morning so I thought it would be a good idea for us to both go, just so he could have one last chance to spend time with them. Anyway, at the end of the night, my BF's parents told me that I'm "a really beautiful person now that I've changed", and I had no idea what they meant. They don't speak English well though, so they explained it to my BF, and he gave them a pretty frustrated look and said something to them (he did not sound happy at all), and told me he'd explain it to me later. So anyway, we said our goodbyes, and when my BF and I were in the car on the way home, he told me that his parents said they like me now because I'm a different person to who I was before... as in I'm more open and friendly to them. And my BF said that he told his parents that I was always a nice person and very close to them, I only stopped being open when they started doing horrible things to me/him. So once again, really glad my BF had my back there, but it kind of shows how contradictory they are... one second they say they always loved me and the bad things they did were in the heat of the moment, and next second, they admit they didn't like me before but like me now.
Anyway, his parents are back home now. Today we had to go to their place for the final real estate inspection, and my BF had to pick up some stuff, and we found a present that the mum had made for me when she came initially last year. (She had asked for all her stuff back which is why she had it back). Anyway, my BF spoke to his parents later in the afternoon and I told him to tell her thanks for leaving it for me. And she got angry 😕 She bluntly said "well, it's hers" and my BF is like "yes... and she's saying thank you for giving it back to her?" and the mum was like "I thought we decided we weren't going to talk about the past anymore", and I could tell by her tone she was pretty angry... and my BF was like "she's literally just saying thank you, no one is talking about the past"... and she was like "well she's welcome" and my BF was like "see, she is nice, and you guys just twist things" so... I guess they haven't really changed LOL but at least I tried, and my BF saw that, and he knows they're the problem, not me 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Princess

Well you almost it through the farewells without a fight. Congratulations on remaining calm and also to your BF for supporting you. As I said above, now you can settle down again. I had not realised English was not there primary language. This would account for some of the misunderstandings as some words just do not translate. Concentrate on where you are and how you are going.

How is your uni break going? Are you looking to work for this second semester? It may be a good chance to regain some of your confidence before starting back at uni. I just had a quick scroll through your previous posts but I don't think you told me what you are studying, other than it's a masters. Would love to know. And if you have already told me I am going to plead guilty and tell you it's because I am getting old. Do you have a career in mind once you have finished uni?

I get the impression that things are OK between you and your BF. How are things with your family? In your first post you said, I haven't ever had suicidal or self harm thoughts, but I do sometimes wonder what's the point of all this pain. How do you feel now? Do you still wonder about the point of pain? I have never welcomed pain and neither does anyone else. It's... well painful. So what good does it do for us. I think it tells us that something is wrong in our lives. I know that sounds obvious but I wonder how we would know that something is wrong. Physical pain is fairly obvious I think. It's hard to ignore an injury or illness. But emotional pain is a different experience and we all see it differently.

It's amazing how the pain of a lost relationship can cause so much anguish but where would we be without it. At the least it teaches us to be careful about our friends and family and not want to hurt them in any way. As part of our mental ill health we hurt because something is wrong. We are not functioning properly. It's almost like trying to walk on a broken leg without realising there is a bone in there and it needs to heal.

We do need the help of others to heal. Friends and family to help us walk, mental health professionals to start the healing process with you and everyone to understand what is wrong with you and how to help you heal. In this analogy I see those closest to us not having the knowledge about mental illness or feeling shame that it is happening in the family. Attitudes are changing, albeit slowly, but we will all get there together, eventually.

Mary

[unicornprincess29]

Hi Mary,

I'm currently studying pharmacy, so hoping to become a pharmacist 🙂 My uni break ended up not being a break haha, the uni contacted me in regards to doing some extra classes to catch up on things I've missed during the transition from the old degree to the new one. My plan was to look for a full time job, but I think I'll just get something part time. I don't want to be juggling a heavy work load and study load because I know that'll mess with my stress and anxiety.

Things with my BF and I are great! Things with my family are not so great. I think I mentioned that I moved out of home earlier this year & my mum has not taken it well. We basically don't talk anymore. My grandparents have been really good about everything & they're really accepting of me & my BF. They've even spoken to my mum on my behalf, but it's like she's set on not coming around. It sucks because we did butt heads when I was living at home, mostly because we're very different people, and I thought moving out would give us the space we needed & bring us closer i.e. I hoped we'd stop arguing over small things & instead cherish the time we spent together (I used to see my grandparents everyday before, but since I moved out I see them once or twice a week & the time we spend together now is so much more interactive & special). But instead it made things between my mum & I a lot worse. I absolutely love living with my BF & I definitely feel I made the right decision.. it just makes me sad that my mum and I are like this now... and I can't talk to my BF about it because the way she's behaved towards him has made him resent her. I don't blame him for how he feels because he has been treated really unfairly, but it just makes it hard to talk to him about how I'm feeling about the whole situation with my mum. I do tell him about all the supportive & good things I hear from my grandparents, but I just never go into detail about the things my mum said when I left home... or if he asks how things are with her, I just say fine & try to change the topic. He knows about the initial few fights we had when I moved out, but I never told him we don't talk anymore. I do see her every now & then, and I text her in regards to my grandparents doctor's appointments etc., but she either doesn't reply to me or it's just really basic replies, so I haven't told him it's that bad, for example.

unicornprincess

[unicornprincess29]

Oh and I just realised I forgot to reply to part of your post Mary! At the moment I feel a lot better than when I wrote my orignal post. 🙂 I think at the time I was just very emotional and overwhelmed, but when I have my good periods, I definitely understand the importance of feeling pain. Like you said, I know it helps us realise when something is wrong, and helps us indentify the cause and hopefully fix it, and it also usually get us to connect with important people in our lives when we ask for help.

[White_Rose]

Hello Princess

Glad to hear you are happier and more settled living with your BF. You need a stable base to work from to get yourself back together. I am sorry to hear things have are working out with your mom. From what you said in your earlier posts I imagine there must be many conflicting thoughts your mom is coping with. I remember you said because of your culture/religion you were supposed to live at home until you married. It may well be the reason mom is upset with you. Like most moms she wants the best for you and I understand had started to come round to liking the BF. Now she is upset because you are living with him instead of following the tradition of your culture.

These conflicts are making life difficult for your mom. Your grandparents, and I don't know if they are your maternal or paternal grandparents, may not have these beliefs or love you enough to accept you, and your BF, without feeling distressed about your living arrangements. I find as we get older we get settled in our beliefs and accept others as they are. It's a good attitude in my opinion but it does not work for everyone.

I think at the time I was just very emotional and overwhelmed, but when I have my good periods, I definitely understand the importance of feeling pain. Like you said, I know it helps us realise when something is wrong, and helps us identify the cause and hopefully fix it, and it also usually get us to connect with important people in our lives when we ask for help. That's a great insight and I am so pleased you feel more in control of your life and that horrible overwhelmed feeling is going away.

Mary