There's got to be a better way

[White_Rose]

My thoughts are whirling round my head trying to express how I feel. This cycle of ups and downs we all talk about  is not good enough. Taking pills to make us feel better and then not being dependent on them. How is that different to any other kind of drug dependency? And more to the point, what benefit do we get?

The glib answer for the cause of depression is the chemical imbalance theory. So why can we not change that balance and keep the balance right? Various vitamin deficiencies and other deficiency conditions require taking medication but at least it works. What's so different about depression if chemical imbalance is the cause?

So that's not the answer. The next step is psychological counseling. The way it is practiced it takes years to work effectively. Learning routines for managing thoughts, motivation, tiredness and all the other ills of depression is ridiculous. Depression is called an illness, so where is the cure?

This roller coaster of good and bad days just reinforces all the negative feelings. Don't get attached to the good days because a bad day is lurking just round the corner. I don't want to spend the rest of my life forcing myself to get up in the morning, do chores, exercise, eat. I want to get up feeling great, happy to be alive and generally enjoying my life.To enjoy the feeling of solitude without dreading being alone. To be equally happy in the company of family, friends, work colleagues and all the people who come and go in our lives.

Sitting on my backside believing I am worthless despite evidence to the contrary is a waste of time. Being aware of our various faults is fine. Being consumed by them is not. And yet we are urged to think about the past and find out when we were injured in some way so that we can 'come to terms with it'. Why not be taught that 'bad things happen in our lives' and then learn to forget them and live in joy and wonder as we were meant to.

Why do we not care for each other when we get sad?  'Oh no', we're told. 'You've got to do it on your own'. If you break your leg you get a cast of some sort put on. Get crutches to help you walk. Possibly have some hospital care. People help in the home, physios work their magic on your leg and eventually you walk unaided again. So where's the support for mental illness.

Well you get periodic counseling from people who have no experience of the condition. Family and friends are too scared to even ask how you feel much less accept that you are unwell. And that's it.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi Mary

That's a very deep and well constructed post.  You hit on so many issues that we have to face on a daily basis;  over and over again we face these, when all we want is to feel "happy" or "satisfied" or hell, just "ok".

If something really horrible happens, it just sends you on a spiral down.  Whereas, if that same thing happened to someone who is (oh let's use for say of a better word) "normal" - to them, it's like water off a duck's back.  Whatever happened or something evil that might have been said to them, they just shrug their shoulders and think, oh well, if that's the way they want to be, it's a very sad world that they live in.

But for us, it's a bit like playing a snakes and ladders game on a continual basis, but never reaching the top;  because we always land on a snake and then whoosh, down the slippery slide we go.  Crashing at the bottom and then yet again, having to get up, dust ourselves off and try to go again.

However, all the while, as we do try to go again, we go at a slower pace, because of what caused us to slide is still firmly embedded in our mind, torturing us.

Mary, I don't know if I rambled too much there, but I hope I kind of got across what I was hoping to say.

Neil

ps:  and no, I don't have any golden solution to all that you posted - I wish I did, because whoever DOES come up with that, will be a billionaire.

[White_Rose]

Thank you Neil.

I feel so down these past couple of months. I want to feel good or even OK. This dragging feeling is dreadful. I have tried to make everything I do work and every time I fail I go further down the ladder.  And every time I lose motivation and energy. I just want it all to end and have a good life. As it is I am always waiting for the next blow to fall and as you say, it seems to hit us harder then for others.

I so often get the comment "Why don't you just...." as if the suggested action was easy to do. It may be easy for others but even the simplest things take a lot of determination as you said. And that's without the fear factor.

I feel as though I am on a snakes and ladders board and always slipping down the snake. I thought my life was turning round and that I was learning to let go of those things that were causing me grief. No, just the world getting ready for the next bombshell. So I become even more depressed and sorry for myself, which I despise.

I know I can manage my life, until push comes to shove and there I am, back on the floor.  It's enough to make a grown woman weep and I am definitely a grown woman. Thanks for your comments Neil.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi Mary,

Love Neil's snakes and ladders perception.

I recall an elderly lady many years ago that said to me "we are born alone and we die alone".  That stuck in my head. For our struggles can result in some assistance, meds, therapy, friends, etc. But by and large a lot of needed changes have to come from within. Discount however the comments form others like "get over it" etc. Those comments are too flippant.

It is the reason why my posts often include a person plan that includes changes or at least to consider changes. Areas like environment (move to the country), work- full time to part time, ridding your life of toxic people and correct diagnosis and medication. And just as important - fine tuning that medication or getting a second opinion on diagnosis.

These are self help changes. We can use an open mind to such changes. I understand fully why sufferers wont consider a move from their home suburb to the country for example. Such change is huge. But how important is their well being? How much improvement to ones health would such a change be? And a move from full time work to part time- how could that be managed when the bills are piled high? It seems daunting but can it be done? After all some with sever depression find it impossible to maintain a full time job and not rack up mant days of ringing in sick....more pressure.!  Also I understand those that wont rid thier lives of a prominent person in their lives, a parent, a friend, that is toxic, causes them great harm regularly. But their lives would be better without them and well being enhanced.

I dont know if this rant has helped Mary. But in some aspects we do hold the key to our own destiny. And I'm happy if you disagree my friend.

[dougall]

Hi white knight I to believe our destiny is in our own hands, our choices put us where we are.

[White_Rose]

Hello WK

Thanks for your post. Incidentally I have just replied to your post on sticks and stones.

I too have been told that ultimately we are alone.  I know the answer, or at least a large part, lies within me. I am going to see my GP tomorrow after seeing her last week due to a huge meltdown. I have been thinking that perhaps I need to start again as it were. Get a new, even if it's the same, diagnosis and treatment plan. So far I have drifted with whatever has been said, although there has been some great help and I have benefited.

I take medication, but perhaps a review is in order. Perhaps I also need to find a new lifestyle. I moved from the country to the city 14 years ago and on the whole it has been great. I doubt that I would have received the help and support I have received had I stayed in the country. On the other hand, this situation would not have arisen. But I still believe I am better off for my move and the realisation that I can actually do more for myself than I thought. So I have no intention of upping sticks. I also agree with you that a change of scenery in itself is not necessarily beneficial. It depends on the reason.

I have retired from full time paid work but I cannot sit around. I had what was virtually a full time voluntary job which I thoroughly enjoyed and was good at until THE INCIDENT arose. The I resigned with a great deal of regret. I suppose what I want is another situation like that without the hassles but it has taken me a long time to recover from the past event.

Mary

[Gertie]

Wow Mary - are you a "fly on the wall of my life"?  You have expressed so eloquently exactly how I have felt for what seems forever.  As I get older ( I am 54) I am losing hope of ever feeling OK for and extended period of time.  I wish I knew what it was like to leap out of bed and look forward to the day and not have to try so hard, it is exhausting.

Good luck Mary and thank you for your insightful post.

Gertie 

[jerry66]

Gda Mary, You certainly know how to sum up the feelings of so many.

There's so much I can relate to in your summations. The thought of being dependant on meds for indefinite periods of time just to feel "normal", is depressing in it's self.

The folk who take everything in their stride and march on as though it's nothing to worry about, that it's just water off a ducks back, are truly lucky. As for a lot of people within the 'bb' community at least, it ain't necessarily so. Personally, endlessly happy people with incredibly perfect lives, really annoy me. They evidently have no idea what it's like to have the smallest of issues or incidents bring down so far for so long.

With respect to meds, the past year or so, for me, has been full of turmoil. So I've sought various professional opinions in trying to sort myself out. Seeing three different GP's has resulted in being prescribed three different meds. Are we just guinea pigs for GP's own personal opinions?

I don't want to bounce off the walls in a medicated state of euphoria. But somewhere between that and feeling so down that just getting out of bed is a struggle would be a start. We're not lepers' with no hope of cure, just everyday folk whom struggle with so called "normal" everyday life!

[White_Rose]

Thank you Jerry

I went to see my GP last week and asked about my medication. It was quite funny in some ways as I have always hated taking pills of any description and here I am asking for a review. My GP, bless her cotton socks, said she was thinking about this as well and we settled on an increase of my current ADs.

So five days on and I am feeling better. I know starting on ADs from scratch takes 4-6 weeks to have an effect but not sure how long it takes to have an effect by increasing the dose.Whatever the answer I do feel more positive which is great.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi Msry,

Really am so happy you feel there is progress. And thanks to the other posters here on this thread.

Mary you have been such a great contributor to this forum. But we are all subjected to relapses. I've had 2 or 3 in the last 6 months and during those relapses (which thankfully only last hours for me now) I wonder how I could possibly continue on with my input here.  Then when better, often the next day or 2 later, I'm back feeling good again.

This hasnt half taught me that all will be ok. Half taught because during my down time I'm not fully convinced I will recover.

Take care Mary.     Tony WK