The world is flying by me and Im stuck here

[Twixbar]

Hi!

This is my first thread - Im not really sure how it works and Im not really sure I know what I want to say. I am lonely and scared - Ive always surrounded myself with high achievers and in the past, that made me grow and better myself but now, it just drowns me.

I advocate for mental health and looking out for friends and family who are down but when it comes to myself I have no compassion. I cannot love myself - I feel broken and betrayed by myself. I feel like a failure - when one thing goes right, 20 things go wrong for me. Logically, I know my life is still pretty good despite my condition - I shouldnt be like this but I am and that makes me feel worse.

My family don't understand how I am feeling and just tell me to get over it - every else has. But now I am on anti-depressants and can't control my emotions or motivation and I cannot tell my family. I have to lie about my expenses to see psychological help and get medication and I feel so separated from them, so separated from my high achieving friends who keep progressing with their amazing lives while im stuck here.

The whole world is flying by me and Im just stuck here.

[blondguy]

Hello Twixbar

Good on you for posting your first thread!.....It took me a lot longer to write mine as I didnt have the courage as you have Twixbar

I know that you feel that you are separated from your friends as you are going through a dark time. I went through the same too and its a bad place to be in. I understand where you are coming from. You have nothing to prove to anyone Twix. I have also been surrounded by high achievers who also have their own issues too. You are not on your own there as the higher the achiever the more issues they have.

Being on antidepressants is not the end of the world in any way. If you have had a bad physical injury you would have to take medication to heal too. The AD's are no different to other medications for physiological problems too

'Getting over it' are small words and not very helpful to what we are going through...They usually come from people that have never experienced what we have

I understand (and am proud) that you are an advocate for mental health....That is a huge talent to have as I have been working in senior roles with similar issues that you have (with the Anti-Depressants)

You are proactive by posting your thread and that makes you amazing Twix.

I see my GP every weeks for a 'fine tune'....(with my depression) Can I ask how often you see your doc?

I am sorry that your family dont understand what you are going through. There are many gentle people on the forums can not only be here for you but can offer you the support you need in this difficult time

If you wish to provide us with any more detail we can help you more effectively (if you wish to that is) The forums are a rock solid and safe place for you to post Twix. Your privacy is paramount here

I really hope you can post back when and if you wish

My Kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, Twixbar. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us.

Depression is a difficult head space to contend with. It is made worse if we feel isolated within the family and friends circles.

Stigma is often self-imposed. Mental conditions are medical conditions. The mind depends entirely on the mechanics of the brain for healthy functioning. The brain is just another body part, depending mostly on a cocktail of electro-chemical reactions. If there's a glitch there, the mind has no alternative but follow the faulty signals it receives. Nothing to do with weakness of will or a flawed personality. To varying extent, those impulses can be reconfigured via assisted mind work and coping strategies. Medication can help take the edge off while we are working on those.

The wide-spread belief that major achievements mean happiness doesn't help. I too have mingled with high achievers, only to realize that success is perceived from the outside. Many of those "privileged" people were in fact miserable inside and their personal lives often ended up in shambles. For a start, there's a lot of extra pressure attached to success. Like all other acquired things, it needs to be guarded and maintained. It often ends up being a full-time, stressful occupation. Which means Life easily passes successful people by.

I don't often recommend books but this one may help a few things fall into place. It is called "The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris, M.D.

Good to have you on board.

[molokai]

Hi Twixbar
Lovely to see you back here. I'm so glad. I haven't checked in for a few days but I can certainly vouch for the care that's offered here. The lovely people here really helped me out of a tight spot. I think getting "stuff" out of your head lets you understand things a little better. Writing things down , typing it into a post, whatever. Otherwise I think trying to make sense of our thoughts can be like shaking a sealed up box and it trying to guess whats inside. I can understand how even your closest family may not "get" what you are going through and I think why being here is so valuable. There's an ocean of compassion, empathy and personal experience here. The advice offered may not fit you exactly your circumstances, but it's given from the heart. But the metaphorical hand holding is priceless!
Sunny side up!

[Twixbar]

Dearest Molokai,

You have a dear spot in my heart - honestly you reached me at a time I really needed it and I do not know how to show my gratitude more - I wish I knew how. I am honestly very grateful to have you - your first post was to help someone else in need, I think that shows what a beautiful soul you have. How are you doing yourself?

I remember you were saying you were quite alone and having problems with your sleep?

Much love,

Twix

[Twixbar]

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your kind words - it means a lot. I am really grateful for these forums - for everyone out there feeling alone.

I agree - being on antidepressants is not the end of the world - I think they can be really helpful but it does have a lot of stigma attached which is extremely unhelpful. For me personally, its not the stigma, I am coming to terms with my mental health - I know it is here and not something I should be ashamed of, I know that by being open about it, I am helping others seek help - and knowing that, helps me. It is healing.
For back story, I am a medical student - I understand a lot about the drugs and I am very conscious of the effects on ones body. If possible, I like to solve things by other sources first but I have acknowledged, thankfully, that I require this additional help at this time (and that isnt a bad thing, it is a part of the process). Medicine is extremely difficult and a huge source of my stress BUT for me, medicine isnt about me, I want to help people with mental health and I know this is my avenue. In fact, learning to balance it is helping me be more acutely aware of struggles people may face.

But that is the difficulty - balancing my life. I recently moved out of home, for my mental health, and it was years before I had planned, so I am not financially prepared for that. But the process, has been extremely helpful. The physical distance also makes it harder, because even though I cannot talk to my family about all of this, I love them and value their company.

Due to my social anxiety and stress, I keep my contact at uni to a minimum so that I can rest and relieve exhaustion. But that does mean, I never see anyone. Its isolating but it lets me chill out more than it would if I met people. I know I have friends that I can talk to - and its extremely helpful. I just don't want to push myself to see people when I dread it and it drains me so much. So I do what I can and try to find ways to interact which seem more helpful for me.

I only see a psych at the moment - Ive seen her twice but it is mainly to monitor the drugs. Im currently in a wash out period which was difficult to adjust to at first but has been really insightful. I can see the positive and negatives of the drug a lot more clearly now.

I think at the moment I have more ups than downs - which is really good.

Thank you for your sweet words. How are you, Paul?

Much love,

Twix

[Twixbar]

Starwolf,

Thank you also for your post - it was extremely insightful and helpful.

I have started reading the book you have recommended - I am only a few pages in and I am hooked - hoping to buy a hard copy soon.

May I ask how you dealt with that pressure on yourself?
I am fully aware of it yet unable to relieve it.

Long story short - there have been a lot of cases of sexual abuse in my family (committed by other family members).  One of which, I am quite protective of despite her being only a few years younger than me. We were the two in our family who were outliers - not quite on the same wavelength of our families but somehow on the same as each other.

I always blamed myself for not being able to protect her - I know I couldn't have but I always felt responsible. I managed to keep it a secret as she wished and got her into therapy and monitored her but when she got into trouble, clearly due to not dealing with it, I was concerned and acted like our families rather than being on our own wavelength together. She felt like I was judging her and I wasn't there for her in the way she needed. I was scared, I didn't act properly having not been in the best mental health myself at the time. I have always been regretful and critical of the way I acted. It was years ago but it left a permanent scar on our relationship that I haven't been able to mend. I love her so much - she was the reason I didn't commit suicide in the past because I didn't want to leave her. She was the only one who really understood me and I her, but my one response broke that. I don't know how to fix it and I want to.

She has grown a lot and has definitely dealt with things. She doesn't need me like she used to. I can really see her growing and I am so pleased. It really brings me joy. She has started performing so well in uni and doing well generally - as such, I cannot bring myself to talk about what has happened. I don't want to hurt her but I think I need to have this discussion for myself. To apologise and seek forgiveness.

But at the end of the day - she means more than anything to me and has only just started doing better. I wouldn't want to stop that.

Dealing with that and that my family doesn't understand; as well as the fact that I believe my purpose is to make the world better for others and certain families have brought more evil into the world - that has been hard.

That's a part of what I have been working with

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind words. I have been hoping that particular book would help.

The way I see mental, emotional issues caused by trauma is that the thread of Life which normally keeps us moving forward becomes unconsciously snarled. When this happens, any amount at pulling at loose ends will only contribute to tightening the knot. I always had this conviction that whatever tangles trauma and our responses to it could create unconsciously could also be reconfigured consciously. So I set off, observing how the mess came to be in the first place and started working on it one tiny bit after the other...over years.

We all have different histories and reactions. So how it is done is ultimately an individual matter. What works wonders with one may fail miserably for another. This is why many opt for professional assistance to help make sense of it all. Though this also is not for everybody and it may take several attempts before finding someone we can connect and work with long term. Besides, not every psy specializes in the aftermath of PTSD.

It may be worth checking BlueKnot for PTSD.

I practiced coping strategies (mindfulness, meditation, activities demanding focus) to slowly learn to live outside the head.

I fully understand your sense of responsibility towards a younger victim. But because PTSD creates its own knots and tangles, it leaves us helpless, likely to say/do unhelpful things. Then a false sense of guilt sets in...But you are not to blame for any of this. When a brain glitch is in charge, the mind can do nothing but comply with the stimulation it receives from it.

Who says the relationship with your younger sister cannot be repaired ? It may take a lot of careful, slow work and perhaps now is not the right time.

Tentative small steps are the way to go. They may seem insignificant but eventually mount up to long distance travel...and major victories.

[molokai]

Hi Twix,

Sounds like you have stuff going on not only within yourself and getting successfully through your education, but also in relation to the young person you feel you tried your best to protect and support over the years.

Maybe try to look at things a bit at a time.

I'm sure you did the best you could at the time , so try not to be hard on yourself retrospectively. You know that you still care for that person, and right now that might be all that matters, because you're being authentic to yourself , and not needing the acknowledgement of another.

In life that's often the case, that our best intentions go unnoticed, but we don't do good things for recognition, we do them because they are the right thing to do.

You've undertaken an arduous course of study which could take you just about anywhere. Perhaps as a clinician, and educator, or researcher. There will be a field that suits you best, but for now your job is to get through the course as painlessly as possible.

A uni course like medicine can be like an SAS try out. Its designed to educate you to a level of competence or ability without breaking you. That's harsh , but in essence, it's true.

Throw energy into your study. Try to divert mental space to learning your profession. The head space you use learning stuff blocks out dark introspection.

Sunny side up

molokai

[Twixbar]

It has been some time that I have posted in this thread and I wanted to update you on how I was going - as both of you have played a major part in my recovery.

I have since been off antidepressants for about 2 months now and more importantly, my relationship with my close family member is now well repaired. I talk to her quite frequently and she calls me when in trouble. That has brought a lot of peace to my life. I am still working through some of the difficulties of the sexual abuse and I think it will take many more years for me to do this - however, I am making significant progress which I am only now giving myself credit for.

This year has placed its own burdens on me - with my physical health - but the positive thing is that I am acknowledging my limitations and actively working at my mental health so that I am not overcome with stress or anxiety.

I wanted to thank both of you because your support has been above and beyond - I am very grateful for your help.

Thank you dearly,

Kindest regards,

Twix