the whole story

[Unknown_Feelings]

Where do i begin, ive been depressed, had behavioral issues most of my life. but recently over the past 2 days, its gotten to the point where ive had suicidal thoughts. But here's the backstory

Growing up i was physically, mentally and at two points sexually abused. My mother was abusive, schizophrenic and on drugs, dad was a alcoholic and not ended up moving to Sydney growing up.

My father was out of the picture pretty much after the divorce. He was an alcholic, gambler and suffered depression himself because of his parents dying. I didn't know at the time how he felt but seeing him as bad as he was just got to me. He passed away in august 2014. And its what triggered my depression. I stopped going out, i stopped doing things i liked, i basically went into this shell. Not talking to anyone, started drinking more. not eating, showering, not wanting to get outta bed. I think it was the big tipping point for me. Since that day it comes and goes in waves. not long after his passing, its fathers day and 2 weeks after that would have been his birthday. So august/September is really had for me emotionally.

I did something in my past that my family found out about, so now they dont talk to me which im fine with. We haven't been much of a family at all. I lost friendships due to this also.

I havent told anyone this at all, not even my close friend of 26 years. Lately all ive been thinking about is killing myself, no one will miss me when im gone, no one will greive for me if i went through with it. even had a suicidal thought about a hour ago at the time im writing this. I dont think talking about it will help because everyone i talk to either

1. Dosent understand

2. Dosent know what to say

3. And this is the most common, say ill be here always, you can tell me, and then f***s off. Its happened so often ive lost count

I dont usually open up like this but i need to know im not alone feeling like this right? its so f***en hard to talk and convey how im feeling but it feels like i dont have much choice left.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Unkown Feelings,

It sounds as though you've experienced many difficulties throughout your life and are now feeling distressed and hopeless. Reaching out here on the forums and talking about your feelings was a fantastic idea. We are all here for you on the forums and you are certainly not alone in feeling like you do. I have sent you a private message to offer some additional support.

In the times when you are feeling overwhelmed and in despair, it might help to talk these feelings out with someone. Please know there is always help. There are mental health counsellors available to you 24/7 on a variety of services, including:

•    Lifeline – 13 11 14
•    Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

And if at any time you feel like you're going to act on these urges you're having and can't stop, this is an emergency and it's important that you call 000 straightaway.

I hope that you find some support here on the forums.
Please take care and stay safe,

Sophie M.

[Step_Twelve]

Hi there,
Thanks for sharing here. It's a good place to write during those dark moments when it seems like there's no one in your life who really gets it.

I haven't been through the things you have and I can't imagine how it feels to be you, but I do know what suffocating depression feels like and I also know now that recovery is possible.

I know what you mean about it being really hard to talk about this stuff openly too. (And then when you do make the agonising effort to put it into words, people don't understand anyway!) I reckon this is a cultural thing that we need fix. These days I force myself to talk as much as possible about mental health issues, and I'm slowly getting better at it.

Can I convince you to make an appointment with your GP to talk about what you're going through? It sounds like you've experienced depression for a while, have you ever gotten any expert help with it? If not, tell me what's stopping you; maybe I can offer some insight from what I've been through. There was a time when I lived entirely in my own head and barely shared my suffering with anyone. I realised the hard way that I couldn't get better on my own and I've come a long way to accepting external help and support.

As Sophie said above, call those numbers if it gets too much. Hope you check back here soon.

Take care of yourself.
12

[Deckt]

I don't know that I've got much good advice for you. But you are definitely not alone. I'm really sorry that the people that you have opened up to have treated you like this. I've had similar experiences, unfortunately with my partner. Everyone has made mistakes in their past. It's not anyone's place to judge you on your past.

I don't know you, but I do know that no-one deserves to feel alone, or worthless. It does NOT matter what you did. What matters is what you do next. From my own experience with those dark thoughts - they do pass. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are always things worth sticking around for.

I wish you all the very best. As above posters have mentioned, there's always someone that you can call, and they are helpful. I've called the services myself when I'm low. They are great people, and don't judge. Sometimes just talking helps.