The struggle is real...

[Mystique86]

Why? Why do I feel this way? I am blessed with 4 healthy beautiful children but yet I'm struggling with the never ending battle in my head.

I should be a happy 30 year old woman but yet I am struggling.

My depression has been a curse I can't enjoy life anymore. My depression has taken over it's been a constant battle for the last 6 years of my life.

Even trying to type this the tears roll down my face my kids are asleep and excited for Santa to come soon and all I can think of is I think I am ready to go home. I can not deal with this anymore why has this consumed me for the last 6 years? I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I can no longer be medicated for my depression/anxiety/ptsd because I abused the medications on two occasions. I am finding it really difficult to survive each day with any help on top all my health issues.

DEPRESSION I HATE YOU SO MUCH! You have and still control my life. Let me be HAPPY!

[white knight]

Hi M, welcome

We are your friend and will try to support you. We are sufferers ourselves of various mental illnesses.

I am 60yo, have bipolar2, depression, dysthymia (another form of depression) and anxiety that over many years I conquered. I know what you are feeling. I do know!

I'll recommend a number of posts at the end of this post you can google. They will provide you with some reading that might help you with ideas. Knowledge is wisdom, wisdom can include insight. Insight is your savior. It will provide you means to tolerate and find inner peace. Inner peace is the secret to my tolerance and even my survival. Yes, I like many have been down the road to infinite sadness.

the human mind is not much different to a machine. It needs servicing, rest and maintenance. Some people don't require it, we do. We need to accept we need this period to recover from some aspects of our lives. Every case is different. Your stress could be children orientated, financial, employment, relationships. We might not be able to rid our lives from our depression but we can do many other thing to enable us to cope with it much better.

Acceptance. We need to accept that we have our periods of depression. Recent research suggests we should not fight our depressed periods, learn to run its course. Learn when it is going away and rebound then. The carers even children need to know when these times are. Better they know this and being the resilient little humans they are they will adapt and come to terms with it rather than them not knowing why.

Other people. 90% or even more people have no knowledge on how to treat us. Surround yourself with true helpers. You need softness, calmness, understanding and faith. Rid your life of others. I eliminated my mother from my life due to her destructive demanding and manipulative behavior. It wasn't and after 6 years still isn't easy but it had to be done. We are talking survival here.

A passion!! Even a jigsaw in your bedroom. Sewing groups, line dancing. Diversion helps.

Helping others. My community champion work here is my therapy. An hour or two volunteering somewhere local?

Threads you can google-

Topic: only the strongest survive, make it you- Beyondblue

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: depression, has it taken you to the end?- beyondblue

Topic: Maharaji, he helped me for 25 years- beyondblue

Topic: Depression, is there any positive?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Mystique86]

First of all thank you! Thank you for taking the time reading my post and second thank you for responding.

You have definitely explained a lot to me. The hardest thing for me is I am a single mum struggling I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 15 years most times the abuse I thought was normal after I ended it from good advice from my Great Aunt who said it's better for children to come from a broken home then be in a broken home.

After the split I endured two occasions of physical abuse and also verbal abuse .

It's like I'm screaming for help but there is no one. I have no communication with family no help it's just my 4 children and I. And the ongoing abuse from their father on a daily basis. I also am a self harmed and my children have NEVER witnessed these times but they see the damage I have done to myself the next day.

I feel irrelevant hopeless caged battles in my mind trying to fight them off each day but it's so exhausting. I'm tired I am so tired of it all that I do know my children will be better off because who wants a mum that can't keep her shit together. I hide the crying keep it behind closed doors but there is only so much I can do.

I hate the fact that I do know my children will be affected in a similar way like me and I blame myself I would NEVER want my children to suffer the way I do. Sometimes I do try and tell myself I DO deserve to be happy but the universe has other ideas for me.

My head is like a tennis match back and forward back and forward but for me there is no winner only a loser.

[Croix]

Dear Mystique86
I can hear you screaming. I feel greatly for you though I don’t share quite the same experiences, I was invalided out of the police for what nowadays is called PTSD

One of the really bad feelings that the sufferer feels is about harming thier children, not on purpose but because when suffering you fear they are suffering too as a result. You blame yourself as a result and that makes the pressure greater and around it goes

Firstly children brought up with a mother that loves them, as you obviously do, are quite robust and actually often want to help and support mummy.

I tend to think it is better for them firstly to have mummy’s actions explained in a simple way each appropriate to their age – perhaps ‘mummy had a big thing happen in the past that makes her very sad and she’s sad because of it now‘ or whatever you deem appropriate – you are the expert on the spot for your kids

Secondly if they can be given a small task to do, which you can explain actually helps mummy, then they may feel more in control, that things don’t ‘just happen’ and when mummy is crying or sad they can help her, have a tiny bit of control

A young child may stick on a Band-Aid, an older one get a blanket, again whatever you think is reasonable in the circumstances. After an event you can say how much it helped.

Tony has given you some links to information, maybe there is something in there that may help.
Is your Great Aunt till around, she sounded sensible? Can you reach a deal with your GP or health professional to have a realistic medication regime? Do you have therapy as well to identify triggers and give coping mechanisms?

I’ve probably said enough for one go

beyondblue has an enormous number of people who have suffered in all walks of life. There will be many with similar experiences to yours, and with time I’m sure you will benefit from persevering here and feel their warmth and human contact

My best wishes
Croix

[white knight]

Yes, children are resilient.

A primary school principle said that to me when I grieved for my children's welfare after splitting with their mother. My girls were 7and 4yo. I had endured 11 years of emotional abuse.

We can't shield them from everything.

I wish I had a mum like you. You'd be the most important person in my life.

Tony WK