the Shadow of my existence

[Despirited]

It's 4 o'clock in the morning - the day has not even started.

I lie awake in my bed, gripped by the fear of the Shadow.

I feel its presence just lurking in the darkness nearby.

On with the lights, and look under my bed?

No, I don't want to see it. I don't want to find it.

I wish that Shadow away, but it taunts me and it tells me I will never be free.

The Shadow it owns me, for I am its slave.

Morning is coming, and I exist yet again.

Nobody doth like me, especially not I. Why would they, how could they, for I am so gray.

Held down by this Shadow in the darkness of despair.

I am so tired of this life, why must I be here?

Help do I seek in taming this demonic Shadow

At a time when I struggle to think straight, my mind but a blur.

Tangled inside, and lost in myself, must get back to the light, did I think

Away from that Shadow that plagues my soul and blinds my sight.

Before I am free, that Shadow doth return, takes me back into despair.

I thought I could fight it, defeat it and win. Thought I was better,

For I can see hope, and I feel the light, but I cannot defeat it

For confused is my mind; it is stronger than me!  It cannot be beaten, no the Shadow has won.

I must break free from this Shadow 

but I am too weak to defeat it

So I bow down to the Shadow 

and it keeps me down

I can't defeat the darkness, with anguish all consuming,

I just lay here and let the Shadow take me back to the Hell of my existence.

I am lost.

[Mares73]

Dear De spirited you have an incredible ability with words. You are surely lost & overwhelmed. I don't sense much hope that you believe it's possible to challenge this shadow, you believe it will always overwhelm you. I want you to challenge the darkness, to try & find ways to sense some light. The shadows power can be lessened. You need to try ways to challenge it's power. Medicatuon-which I know you don't wish to take-is a very helpful way of treating your suffering. Many of us fight acceptance of our illness & taking medication until we reach such depths of despair we only then give it a go. I firmly believe after years of struggling against it-that medication is a powerful tool in aiding our recovery. It is surely worth a go. On this site there is a list of GPS who specialize in treating depression & have been trained & endorsed by Beyond Blue. You have the choice to find one of these in your area & go & see one to discuss treatment options. I often compare depression to diabetics-both suffer an illness which medication can treat. Noone has to know if you decide to give me d's a try. What have you got to lose by trialing medication? It's simply part of the treatment to assist you to escape the shadow. Don't give the shadow any more power, it has taken enough of your life. Isn't it time to address the pain, anxiety, oppression & debilitation that it continues to have over your life? I am in no way dismissing the pain, suffering, fear & devastation the shadow causes you & holds power over your sense of self. I have complete compassion for you. I'm just trying to offer a suggestion in the hope that you can feel less anguish. Please if you can, keep writing. I & others care deeply & feel for you & your struggles with the shadow. I hope you can let me know your thoughts on my suggestion. With warm thoughts, Mares x