The lowest

[Sadsara]

So I’m at the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I am trying to remain hopeful but it’s so hard right now. Brief story. I’m married with a 4 year old girl. I was pregnant with my second but delivered at 20 weeks about 18months ago. I soldered on after that and did really well to put a brave face on and tried to be positive about having another baby. I have been married for 5 years but I actually can’t stand my husband anymore I even think I actually hate him. We fight constantly he calls me names we are not in a healthy relationship but I have it in my head once I have another baby I’ll be happy and things will improve for us. We’ve just had such a hard run the last couple of years. I’ve just gone through my 3rd failed ivf cycle and im finding it harder then ever to stay positive because the only Person I have around me gives me no support at all and makes me so miserable . I just don’t know where to go from here.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sadsara

Welcome to the bb forum.

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. Life just isn't fair sometimes and you have certainly endured more than your fair share of grief. I really want you to know that I care and there will be others on the forum who do as well.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a brave mum. I am a bit concerned, however, about your relationship with hubby and the impact that may have on your girl and a potential new baby. It might be wishful thinking to believe that a baby will improve the relationship.

Perhaps you could speak with your GP and/or a counsellor to explore what's happening and work out how you really feel about your husband. Can you remember why you married him? Can you find one thing you like about him and build on that again? Could it be that all the stress of IVF and loss of your second child is really the issue--for both of you? Do you really "hate" him or are you just hurt and/or angry? Are you caught in a negative pattern of behaviour that can be improved?

Some help, some time to really think and some answers to these questions and others will likely help you decide "where to go from here."

[hellboy]

Hey Sadsara,

Ive put a brave face on for 17 years. Im now where I was 11 years ago. I know now how to try and manage myself but im struggling. I feel like ive wasted 17 years of my life for someone. I love my kids so much but i struggle to enjoy them cause im so wrapped up in my struggle. Im hurting myself more know than i ever have because of my frustration. i dont know where to go either. their is know answer, Ive been through this so many times, im struggle too. I dont have an answer but im fighting still cause i dont want to give up cause deep down i want to be happy and live my life if i didnt i would end up in hospital or dead and ive been there several times on my own and ive been lucky. I know what it is like to struggle. I hate the fact I have to lie an act normal i have been doing that my whole life Hiding BPD is not easy and I woudnt have thge jobs I had if i ackknowledge this. im over it. Im starting to not care what people will think of me but it is hard and know every day is a challanege. Im only sleeping when im exhuasted. im so over it. I wish i could help or give you advise but i dont know you enough to do that, but hang in there and dont let your kids down. Take care and just dont give up thats all I can say cause no matter what you are feeling dont act on it, what i have learned and seeing the life and happiness in my little kids is the only thing thats is keeping me going.

Cheers

Billy