The endless cycle

[MyCatIsBlack]

Hi all....I'm struggling with recurrent depressive episodes...i hv schizoaff and am fortunate my relapses are related more to mood than a psychotic relapse...I just find the recurring depression tiring, frustrating...it hinders my progress in career and studies...I have always had self doubt but when I'm well, it doesn't affect me so much...But in my down periods it's almost as if it won't leave me alone and what I've learnt from CBT and ACT and meditation, yoga goes out the window and I'm consumed. I've been surviving/struggling/managing for about 15 years and recently started a mood stabiliser...I just wonder whether this cycle will ever stop or whether it's something that will always occur despite the meds (which have helped) and the psychology (which definitely are useful). I'm in the middle of a down period now and up titrating my mood stabiliser...Just wondering if this cycle of depression will ever go away or whether the more realistic expectation is that it'll probably come back, but will not be as bad ir frequent...thanks!

[RandR]

Hi there @MycatlsBlack,

My name is Raman, nice to e-meet you 🙂 Sorry to hear that you're experiencing some recurrent depressive episodes. I read your post and situation and interestingly enough, the timing of your situation is interesting as I recently felt a very old feeling of my moods being a little low and somewhat, sad. I thought to myself, is this depression resurfacing? Whilst I personally was never medicated and unfortunately can't relate on that area, I did struggle from major depression from the age of 18-32 (i'm currently 34 and have not been depressed for almost two years now to shed some insight).

What I can relate with is the affects it can do to studies, career, focus, and also the toll it had on relationships. Although I didn't specifically have Schizoaffective disorder, I believe there are distinct similarities when it comes to how our 'minds can think' when it comes to the depressive cycle, and whether or not it will ever end. To that, I can say that it took a lot of different paths and realisations, truths and changes and constant reminders for mine to end (at least for what I was enduring). I'm not going to lie, it was not easy at all, was beyond challenging and I came very close to throwing the towel in. My partner always does a lot of meditation and yoga to try and balance herself (she can get anxiety from time to time and suffered panic attacks). I'm sorry to hear that the thoughts are outweighing some of the outside hobbies you do. As for the down-time period, that's when I found it could hit me the hardest, but at the same time, that's also when I found an outlet through cooking, listening to jazz music and also watching TedTalks and letting sound and real life situations through TedTalks clear my mind. I found this really helped me tremendously. I'm sorry if I wasn't very helpful, but I sincerely wanted to reach out, wish you the best and let you know that you are not alone and that I'm glad you have reached out through BB who are fantastic and definitely have some fantastic support structures and people 🙂

All the best and would love to hear from you and talk more 🙂

Raman.

[MyCatIsBlack]

Hi Raman. Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is difficult having these episodes. I just often feel like a burden to everybody e.g my partner, work colleagues who rely on me etc...but maybe that's the depression talking. It makes it harder to reach out to the closest people because I don't want to upset them.my partner knows about my illness but he is surprised how bad I am at the moment.I suppose I can put on a happy face but it's come to a point where that is getting hard. But I hope things improve for me..

[SYork]

Hi MyCatIsBlack,

I have just joined but I feel similar to you. I don’t actually know my full diagnosis but probably chronic MD. I also cycle through feeling ok/good and then bad again. I came here to talk about feeling like a burden on my partner, but seeing your post mirroring my own thoughts changes it for me. I really do think that the things that others love about us are connected to why we feel bad sometimes. If you think of other qualities, like being kind hearted or creative, I’m sure the great things about you outweigh the “bad” things. Sometimes we will struggle, but that also contributes to what makes us loveable 🙂 I hope this makes sense, would love to talk more,

Simone.

[RandR]

Hi MyCatIsBlack,

You're very welcome 🙂 That feeling you describe as being a 'burden' is a familiar feeling and I would agree that at that the time I was experiencing that, yes, I found that to be the power and affect of the depression. Reaching out to the closest people is an interesting point. Believe it or not, when I struggled with depression for over 13 years, not even my closest family or friends realized. And I never told them directly. It's amazing what it can do to you, and in my case, it's amazing the face I was able to show in public and in social situations when deep down, that was not the actual case. In my case, it took telling a very small amount (not even three) close people my situation for them to talk back with me. As for upsetting people, my thought process was similar. In the end of the day the conclusion I drew was that if my friends and family really cared and loved me, they would accept me for my good and my bad, and not deem me a burden. And if they did, they told me a lot more about them than it did myself 🙂 You are not a burden 🙂 You will never be a burden. I mean that with respect. Anyone that says or thinks otherwise in my mind isn't the type of human I would want in my picture of life.

Do you mind If I ask if you are talking to anyone about your feelings? Has your partner suggested any ideas? What keeps you busy not only during the week, but also what hobbies free up your mind and feed your soul?

Love to hear back from you 🙂

Regards,

Raman.

[MyCatIsBlack]

Hi Raman..

I have a psychologist and psychiatrist. I have told my partner about my illness or when I'm feeling a little down or agitated but I guess I put on a brave face during this episode trying to beat it myself. So, he was very surprised when he got a call from my supervisor (who supports me at work) about how bad I am at the moment. I suppose there's a level of self stigma i.e. I should be able to do this. I'm weak if I can't etc...it's a work in progress. Mindfulness works best for me and I have been doing mindfulness exercises and yoga more regularly now. Visiting my veges in my garden is therapeutic as well. Music too. I'm glad to say the black cloud is starting to lift, still having to consciously fight it but things are slowly improving (probably the mood stabiliser and the mindfulness etc helping)..I miss 'normality' (whatever that means lol) but hoping to get back to work.

[Doolhof]

Hi MyCatIsBlack,

It sounds like you are very aware of how you are feeling and know of things to do to help yourself. Sometimes it is putting strategies and plans into practise that is difficult.

When you are having a good better day, could you make a list of all the things that help you when you are feeling low? You could have this on your phone or on a piece of paper somewhere. When you just don't know what to do to help yourself have a look at the list and see if you can implement something on it.

Your partner may want to know how you are managing. I tell my husband if I am feeling a bit down, he may offer to help in some way, or just be content to know what is up.

My psychologist was trying to tell me to accept the depression and not to fight it. To acknowledge it and not allow it to cause such a big commotion in my life. That works sometimes.

Not everyday is going to be glorious, finding something positive in each day can help.

Cheers from Dools

[Lee lee 73]

Hello mycatisblack,

So sorry you're struggling.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs - I feel I'm at the same place as you. I'm fed up with it all. I'm on my 7th type of medication and have just recently pulled the plug with my psychologist - I'm just sick of talking about it really.

I've never been in a relationship and my family are toxic and I'm pretty sure I've scared all my friends away.

Anyways just wanted to say you're not alone with this endless cycle.

Take good care. Happy to chat whenever you feel the need.

Leelee73

[RandR]

A garden?!!!! I'm immediately jealous!! I wish I had enough space in my backyard for a veggie patch (my place is all brick and too small). What do you plant?? Music feeds my soul like food! Any genres that you tend to listen to if you don't mind me asking? Are you also a bit of a cook? The self stigma resonated with me. That brave face even more so. You sound like you're handling the situation relatively well and on the up which is great to hear. Keep it up and I here if you need 🙂