Surface stuff again.

[Sharny]

Hi,

My name is Sharny and I've visited here some 8 months or so ago. I'm feeling a bit lonely in thought right now and just feel the need to talk in an environment where I know others are facing similar issues. At times I just feel a swirl of emotion, I'll wake up and feel I've let everyone down, I'll feel guilt for being me and it's a horrible feeling. I've had to scale down the amount of activity I engage in because the pace my family and I were keeping was driving my state into a knot. I tried making each Sunday apart from commitments that come along on occasion, a day of 'free' time, that is no commitments. It worked for about a month. We decided on that day if we'd like to take it easy, have unplanned spontaneous time to mearly just walk, ride bike, cook at home or what ever. Our lives have so many activities between both kids sports on Saturdays and week nights already that for family health one day per week Mum had formulated non-scheduled time. For me, it became like needing air, food or water. Space to be just what ever. I could get up and be non-scheduled, non organised.Recently a friend wanted our family to join them on a Sunday, for which we did. Then she was asking every Sunday and it become 4 consecutive Sundays in a row of getting together, BBQ lunch from 11am then afternoon still together and pizzas by dinner and all of us were still together socializing until 7pm or so. I'm lucky to have such people as are my family. But...You see, I feel this is the only spot I can even describe without feeling like a complete outcast, my feelings of disgust at myself. I 'needed' our Sunday's free for my mental health. But because I felt like I was rejecting her I just kept saying yes. I touched on the fact that I require at least some of our Sundays to just be unplanned but she looked at me like what?? I find its beautiful requesting our company, but I strangely can't keep up every weekend. I told her, for my mental health I require to slow things and cant be out or entertaining every Sunday. I organised our lives to accomodate a need and it just doesnt work. There seems to be no room for looking after mental illness. I feel like no one gets it. I just feel horrible, I feel like I try to accomodate my illness in a busy family but it doesnt match what's going on for other friends, people. So I'm heading down the track again of putting aside what I need and going with what's expected. I don't want us to loose people because I can't keep up.

[Candombera]

Hi Sharny,

Welcome back to the forums. It must be exhausting to keep up with such a hectic lifestyle!
Specially if you're not feeling great. I believe you need to put yourself first, even if it sounds selfish... your mental health should be top priority. You don't need to give further explanations, just say it's time for yourself, and that's it. That's what you need now. If the others don't get it, it's their problem. You have enough on your plate to be worried about pleasing others for the moment.

I can relate to your feelings as I had severe depression too. And social commitments were out of the question. I would see who ever I wanted to see when I wanted to see them. And I didn't care. Some friends got it, others didn't. But it's during hard times that you find who's really on your side. Everyone is a friend when you're happy and vibrant, but if you're not well... most people vanish. It might be because they do not know how to handle it.

I would suggest -if you haven't done it already- to book an appointment with your doctor, and get a referral to see a mental health professional. This is the first step towards your recovery. You'll start to feel better if you have someone to talk to about these issues regularly. And that will also be time for yourself. One day a week might not be enough. The important thing is that you have identified that there's something wrong and this is part of the solution already.

Please come back and let us know how you go. We're here to help.
All the best.

[Sharny]

Hi Candombera,

Thank you for your post it means a lot. Sorry to hear you've experienced severe depression in your life. I admire how you managed to do exactly as you needed seeing people when you could. You advise to say its time for me, no further explanation. I think when I try to say as I need, I fumble instead of being firm and clear because I already feel guilty. It's like that family of friends want's the togetherness I just can't keep up with. It's terrible to reject just to be able to look after me, that just gives me enormous guilt and makes me feel hopeless. At the same time I realize the space is needed. The isolation I feel just looking after this illness becomes apparent most when I try to get an understanding going and it doesnt happen. It's like every one is running a race I can't keep up with and no allowance is made for me. So people say to open up to others but in my experience that's just made me feel more lonely because what I require seems strange to others. Truth is, my kids and husband enjoyed the slower Sunday pace I created earlier on, it worked well for us. My family is priority I just feel alone because I feel as though I don't fit. I don't expect friends to help me directly but rather just understand if I can't keep up.

I've made adjustments this year that have helped tone things down but still have plenty of improvement to go. I'm seeing a psychologist every fortnight at the moment which helps to off load thoughts etc. I'm trying really hard not to fall into the guilt pit and take time away from the external things around me.

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words.

[Candombera]

Hi Sharny,

Yes, I understand the guilt and the loneliness that you're experiencing. The thing is, we're in this alone. Family and friends are great for help and support, but we're the ones dealing with the illness and it's very hard for others to understand how it feels.

Meditation works for me to be in a positive state of mind. You can start with as little as 10' a day. Guided meditations (there are a lot of apps for the phone) at the beginning of the day, or at night before going to bed. Or both. It helps calming and focusing the mind, and this is key to continue with the recovery process.
Meditation also gives you confidence in yourself, and a great strength. With these skills, you can undertake any challenge that's thrown at you. It worked for me to get out of depression, together with a healthy diet and lifestyle. And it still works as I meditate and do yoga every day.

See if you can give it a go, you have nothing to loose!
Cheers

[Doolhof]

Hi Sharny

Mental health issues are sometimes illnesses other people just don't understand. Everyone suffering from depression feels it differently and can't always recognise it in someone else. Every bodies needs are different.

Your idea of a Sunday where everyone can chill out and to whatever sounds very healthy for the whole family. Would it be possible for you to catch up with the other family once a month instead of every Sunday?

My husband had friends who wanted us to be together every week. I couldn't cope with that either. We now see each other once a month, I deal with it so much better now.

Would it also help you to find time each day or even now and then to write down how you are feeling between your appointments? You could add the happy things that happen during the day, even if it is seeing a butterfly on a flower, or a smile from a stranger, along with the depressive thoughts. It will help to get it all out of your mind.

As well as the mediation Candombera has mentioned, is it possible for you to take half an hour a day to do something you would like to do just for yourself. Go for a walk, read, do some craft, or just sit in a park.

I realise some days can feel over whelming with everything you need to do, want to do or feel like you have to do. Maybe a list of tasks and pleasant activities for the day may help as well.

Wishing you well, Cheers from Dools

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sharny, welcome back to the forums.  We're going to redirect you to your earlier thread to continue this conversation, as this seems to be a continuation of that discussion, plus you have a number of unanswered replies there from last time:

Is that it, I mean is survival the only thing?

It would be great if you could take a few minutes to acknowledge those replies and provide those who supported you with an update on how things have been going.