Supporting a Partner with Depression

[Strop23]

Navigating supporting a partner with depression and supporting yourself and your own needs and mental health can be incredibly challenging. My partner is struggling with depression, im doing my best to support them but they are not in a place to want to help themselves. As the support person you experience so many emotions at once. You are worried for your partner because you want them to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there are resources available to help. You feel frustrated and at times resentful, especially if they are not doing anything to help themselves - and then there's guilt for feeling frustrated with someone you love when you know they are struggling. And then there's you, trying to say and do all the right things, researching ways to be the best partner you can be, feeling as though everything you need is on hold, sometimes your partners behaviour can also be triggering if you fear loss of connection. Experiencing so many emotions at once and not necessarily knowing the answers can be a very lonely place and leave you feeling like nothing you are doing is right. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Strop23,

Thank you for being such a caring and empathic support person. It sounds like you are feeling like you are at dead end with little support. I would strongly recommend you lean into support network you have i.e. GP, psychologist, friends and family as they will help you get through this as well. It is difficult to support someone who is not willing to seek treatment. Here are some handy tips on supporting someone to see a professional: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-to-see-a-health-pr... 

It is also important you look after your own mental health. For that carer gateway is a great resource which provides services such as carer support planning, counselling, peer support, carer directed funding packages and emergency respite. Here are some other useful links:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-to-see-a-health-pr... 

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/support-someone/look-after-your-mental-health-and-wellbein... 

I hope this helps a little and please keep us updated.

Bob

[geoff]

Hello Strop23, I know it's very difficult to know what to do, because there are 2 issues here that are always a problem.

The first is try and help your partner with their depression, but in turn this can affect how you are yourself, because if you pay more attention to them, then possibly you might suffer more as you can't keep pretending that you are OK, when in fact, deep down you're not.

My ex did all she could to help me when I was struggling, but as it continued for a long time, she finally gave up and moved out.

So as much as you are trying to help them, you need to make sure you are also looking after yourself.

I know to help them is so important, but so is your own health.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Strop23]

Hi Geoff, 

Thanks for your reply, i think its hard to support someone that won't speak to you - quite literally. Its constant shutdown - almost as though i make it worse. i wish i at least knew what i could do to make it easier for them, but your right, it does feel like im just not looking after myself.  You said you struggled for a long time - what ended up making you want help, if you dont mind me asking?

[geoff]

Hello Strop23, thanks for gettng back and no worries at all.

Why I decided to get help, I had been self medicating with alcohol and that didn't solve anything and eventually alienated me more, if that's possible when suffering, but constant pleads from my wife, 2 sons, doctor and neurologist changed my mind, so I thought I'd give it a try and fortunately the psychologist was a lovely person as she too had been through depression herself.

Please ask anything else you like, I'm open to all questions and not afraid one bit.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Amber7]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks so much for sharing your own experience.

I'm struggling to live with my partner's behaviour towards me as a result of his grief from his mother's recent passing as well as his existing ongping depression. He refises to seek help and instead self medicates with alcohol and marijuana. 

I feel like all of the connection between us has gone as he doesn't engage with me anymore. He's no longer affectionate, doesn't ask me how I am and takes his mood swings out on me.

I'm reallt unhappy and not sure what to do. 

Thanks

AC 

[indigo22]

Hi AC,

Thank you for reaching out and I am so sorry to hear things are so difficult for you at the moment.

Depression and grief are both very difficult to go through on their own, but together they can very easily overwhelm our ability to be there for anyone else.

The best advice I am able to give you at this time is to find ways to take care of yourself first. That means doing things that help you stay mentally healthy like getting support from friends, family, GP, counselling, the helplines that are available, whatever you feel will give you the support you need to stay healthy while this situation is at its worst. You want to help your partner but you can't do that without some support yourself.

I hope this helps a little, please take care,

indigo22

[white knight]

Hi Amber,

Indigo has already responded to your post in her typical caring way.

With addictions we are almost powerless. It usually takes an inner strength to emerge and that power can only come when the person is ready. That means subtle influence is the only way we can make inroads towards them moving away from those habits. Encouragement is part of that support from a partner of professional staff which can be as little as "you did well this week darling, how about we go to the movies"  (in reference to him drinking less). You can see how limited I believe a partners influence can be.

Grief counselling would be a positive move. However he wont get help and again we deal with this attitude very often here. Distraction is a good tool to consider eg websites deal with family trees so wondering if now his mum has passed if he could gain interest there. My wife has been doing hers for months and we have visited cemeteries for family members. Distraction can come in the form of hobbies and following sports. Once I was into model airplanes and my then partner gave me a model kit, that broke my depression.

For the time being I wouldnt take personally his lack of affection and care. In this situation he hasnt got the capacity to give it and therefore its a time whereby you need to ignore that with the hope that the above ideas may take hold and he'll improve. At the end of the day however, as Indigo said, you'll need to look after yourself when your hope has been dashed.

We are here to chat. I might suggest you begin and new post with a new topic though.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hello...

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds really tough. I can imagine how difficult it must be to see your partner struggling with grief and depression, especially when it's affecting your relationship.

It's sad that he's also self-medicating instead of seeking professional help. 

Given the challenges you're facing, I wonder if there are local support groups like Al-Anon nearby? They can provide you with valuable resources and a community of people who have experienced similar situations. It's essential to take care of yourself and find the support you need as well.

Is there anyone else you would feel comfortable talking to as well? 

Listening ...