Stuck

Tiger_Lilly · ‎17-08-2020

Hi, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for the last 20 years. I have seen psychiatrists during this time and have been on medication on and off as well. I found the medication was okay but then I would gain weight which then just added to my problem and made things worse so felt that while one thing may have been getting better, then I another problem would replace it being the weight gain. The last psychiatrist I saw was a few years ago and she retired and so that was that. I thought I would try to get better myself but for the last two years it is just getting worse and I just feel so alone now. I live by myself. I don't really have anyone to talk to, most of my friends over time have gotten married and were too busy and then I found that it was hard to keep close friends when single as I always felt left out and then eventually I found it hard to go out and then they finally disappeared. My family don't really get it, they say they do but they are never there when I need to talk, I find it hard to talk to them about it, my siblings do not really support me, I find that as they're lives are going good, they are too busy to notice that I am struggling so I keep it all to myself. I am just so lost and feel very isolated and just find the people around me are just not good people to talk to. They will either say that may be I should go on medication or get out more but it is so difficult to go out when you're alone and have no one to rely on for that. Sometimes I wish I could just go into another world and start over again which I know sounds weird but I just have lost faith and trust in people I don't even feel I can trust anyone to talk about this without them mentioning it to someone else. I just really feel so stuck.

Tiger_Lilly · ‎03-09-2020

Thank you Grandy & Bluenight for your messages. Sorry I have not replied, its been nearly 2 weeks and I was just struggling. Im ok though. I went to see my GP and she put me on tablets which have made me feel a bit tired so I just have to get used to them. I have taken them before so she knows it worked well with me last time and then in a few weeks I see a psychologist. I am just getting by day by day, that is the best and only option I have at the moment. I am sorry to hear that you both were struggling as well, I hope things are also better with both of you.

The things I like, well not sure if I exactly like it, but I try to jog/walking at a park, so just waiting till it gets a bit lighter after work then I can go more often. But I find it is hard to have things I like to do, as I struggle to get a chance to see if I like anything if I have no one to do it with. I am a person that really hates doing things on my own, I did it in my younger years but really hate to do anything now on my own, so it is hard to find something to do or like so I just basically watch TV. I know it probably sounds really boring but at the moment I am even lacking motivation to be able to go out i.e. have showers, wash my hair, put makeup on etc. I am just so over it at the moment and I hate feeling like this, I just lack the energy. Plus also I have zero confidence so that just makes things so much harder. Sometimes I feel, can it get any worse than this or is there more to come. I know that I am lucky to have a job, have a roof over my head, etc compared to other people in the world who may not have these things or are struggling but I think I just compare myself to the people around me who are doing so well and thriving in life and have supports and I just think, how did they get to be so lucky, what did they do right? If everyone around me was going through the same as me, I probably would cope with it better, its just a lot more difficult to deal with this when you are the only one, and you really don't feel up to talking about this with anyone else who is happy as I feel I am just bringing them down and they don't want to hear negative things. I find when people are happy they only want to be around happy people.

White_Rose · ‎03-09-2020

Dear Tiger Lilly

Hello and a very warm welcome to the forum. I know it's a bit belated but it is none the less sincere. I also apologize that you have had few replies. We do miss some which is unfortunate but I see others are responding to you and that's great.

I can hear the pain and sadness in your posts and the loss of hope and trust. All of us who have or had depression can relate to everything you have said. I have lived alone for 20 years since my spouse and me separated. That was when my depression was at its worst. It has taken me a long time to be able to lead a 'normal' life but I feel that is largely how it is at the moment. It has taken a long time, many tears and anger not to mention loss of trust.

I'm not sure what housing you have. Is it a house or something with a garden? Have you thought of doing gardening of some sort? Start with pulling out weeds and tell yourself these weeds are the sadness in you and you are getting rid of all this. I found it quite cathartic. If you have no garden can you get some pots and plant flowers that are easy care. Gazanias are easy care and very forgiving about being dry. Lots of different colours to choose from.Go to your local store and look around. Most of the chain stores sell plants as do the handyman stores. Marigolds are cheerful and easy care as are petunias. Buy some medium size pots and potting mix to make a good display.

I understand motivation is a huge problem. May I ask how you get yourself to work? On Monday morning do you simply get out of bed and get ready or do you need to give yourself a pep talk first. Can you use the same motivation to do something such as gardening or some other hobby?

Of course gardening is not the only activity and you may not be keen on it. In general what do you like doing? Do you like physical hobbies such as your walking, though I know you said you were not excited by it. How do you get yourself to go for a walk? Again can you use the same process to do something else. Have a think about this and explore different options such a craft/painting, volunteering after work or at the weekend. It's a great way to make friends.

You are comparing yourself to those who appear to have their act together. What do people see when they talk to you? Do you think they know about your unhappiness? Probably not because we are all so good at hiding these things. What about your work colleagues. Are they all happy. Can I ask you to think about this. I will write more later.

Mary