Stepchildren

[Guest_41856421]

So i have 2 adult stepchildren in my house and a stepdaughter and my biological son and it is hard i cop alot of disrespect from the adult stepchildren and I'm sick of it but my partner won't see it and help me and now I'm lost their also very cruel to my child and it is impossible to treat them all the same there is a 18 year age gap between my son and his eldest i am lost and lonely and so unsure of my life right now

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest_41856421,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums.

My eldest son’s family is 2 adult step children and 3 biological children, they partnered when her children were still rather young and have been together for around 18 years…The first few years were very hard, my son wasn’t allowed to discipline them…or rather was to afraid to discipline them as they were not his children…partners 2 children started to misbehave with him…they worked out, that they had the upper hand (so to say)…and could get away with anything….

Then a few years later his partner gave birth to his biological son and a few years later 2 more children….Now parenting was different for both his step and biological children and this caused a lot of grief with his partner and all the children…..It was getting that way that separation was being considered by both…

My son and daughter in law sat down and had a good heart to heart, discussing parenting of the older children and the younger children…..setting certain boundaries with discipline and then as a family they all talked about what was happening….and what was expected of the older children…and respect for each other was one of the most important topics of conversation….This seemed to work for them….

Now my son is granddad to his eldest step son’s child and sxpecting another grand baby later this year….

Maybe sitting down as a family after both you and your partner/spouse first has both your concerns…

Hope I helped some…

My kindest thoughts with care dear guest…

Grandy..

[therising]

That sounds like an incredibly tough and challenging situation, to say the least. Sounds like maybe the hardest part involves your partner not helping. It's definitely hard when we're relying on our partner to partner us through challenges but they refuse to get a better sense of the challenges we're facing.

While I've been married to my husband for 22 years, took me a long time to wake up to the fact he just won't face certain challenges with me unless he's got no choice. Emotional challenges would have to be his least favourite. He simply doesn't like to feel them. With this revelation or wake up call, it became a matter of 'Okay, who's going to partner me in this or that emotional challenge I face?'. So important to find some kind of partner when it comes to the challenges we can't get through on our own. It can definitely feel lonely without a good partner. Wondering if you have any friends or family members who are good at helping/partnering people through challenges. They could be the kind of person who could be regarded as a feeler or seer. While a feeler would be someone who can feel or get a better sense of/feel for what's really going on, a seer would be someone who can see how things have been playing out and what the best way forward may look like. So, someone who's a bit of a visionary. 

I imagine if a part of you came to life that was a fierce kind of 'take no prisoners' facet, it would prove to be a clear, direct and demanding boundary setter. When it comes to your son and how others should be treating him, what would that part of you dictate? What would the boundaries look like? Maybe something like 'You need to know, from now on, I won't be tolerating the way you speak to him' or perhaps 'You have no idea how depressing you sound, regarding the way you speak to him. I can feel what you say to him and it's just flat out depressing. You need to wake up to yourself!'. Of course, this is not going to win you any popularity contests, that's for sure. It may even trigger your partner to wake up a little.

I think it can be really hard when we're not in the habit of rocking the boat. Sometimes the boat needs some serious rocking in some relationships. If your co-captain (partner) is asleep at the helm, you rock that ship and steer it too. You show your son 'I got this, don't stress. We're in this together'. Showing him how he deserves to be treated and showing him that intolerance is not a bad thing will serve him for life. Btw, I've found that fierce 'take no prisoners' facet tends to eventually come to life through complete intolerance/anger. If things get bad enough and you get angry enough, it will explode to life in a pressure cooker kind of situation. How to go from years of practicing pleasing others (aka 'the practice of being a people pleaser') to practicing controlled or carefully channeled fierceness, without that pressure cooker, doesn't come easily. As a 53yo gal, I've only been practicing carefully channeled fierceness for the last couple of years and I'm still far from mastering it. While it began as a way of serving or standing up for my kids, it's now also becoming a way of serving or standing up for myself. When the upstanding part of us is suppressed, it can definitely become depressing at times. That fierce part of us can prove to be good for our mental health and self-esteem.