Starting the year depressed.

[Aliza221]

Hi everyone. For the past several years - i would say 2017 - till now i have been on a roller coaster of family troubles and depression. Throughout it all, i tried my best to make everyone smile but today i realized: who ever made the effort to make me smile. My social anxiety has sky rocketed, my self confidence drained and my career has hit a brick wall. I am stuck and running in circles, i tried my best to brush it away but everything hit me when i tried something new for once - in a long time -. I decided to take a day for myself and hit the M7 bicycle track. It was wonderful and i haven't felt genuine peace like that in years. But with peace came the reality of my life.

I warned myself i would change this year and i plan to do so. Hoping to volunteer for the RFS and possibly go back to TAFE to finish off my HSC and find a good career yet, my stomach churns and i feel this terrible anxiety when i think about these things due to the amount of communication i would be required to do. I am 24 and feel hopeless and lost. I know what i want, i know many people cannot say that, and yet here i am so depressed and scared of the simplest things that i feel trapped.

Currently don't have a job, no income, was hoping to see a therapist to help me but when you're broke it just gets worse. I feel like a loser having to finish my hsc at the age of 24, I've been talking about it for five years and I've beaten myself over the head with excuses.

I don't know what to expect here, i just hope it brings some relief...

[therising]

Hi Aliza221

Wow, you must have been reading my mind: Was just saying to someone today 'Do you ever get seriously fed up with consciously raising others when no one seems to be consciously raising you?!'

One of my go to mantras having come out of depression is 'Get it together!' No, I'm not talking about saying this to myself, it's something I say to others. 'Get it together: How are you going to raise me?' is typically met with 'What do you mean?' I may explain that I'm feeling a bit drained, in a bit of a temporary low or at a bit of a loss somehow. Some will say 'Oh that's no good' or 'What do you want to do?' or even 'You can't relay on others to do this for you'. Hmm...damn right I should be able to rely on others after all the effort I put into raising them. Okay, now I'm simply sounding ranty. Sorry 'bout that.

People may either bring us down, put us down or keep us down (by not raising us or helping us raise our self) and it's just not on in my opinion. Good on you for recognising this. Also, good on you for raising yourself with the bike ride.

The churning stomach is an interesting one. Personally, I'm one of those crazy gals who's into all that chakra energy centre stuff. Solar plexus energy centre (the centre of courage) really gets going when courage is needed in a situation. This energy then moves up to the heart centre (place of love/self love). We are often faced with the churning sensations of courage and self love when we are being challenged to move beyond our comfort zone. I try my hardest to take any anxious feelings of self doubt and focus on transforming them into courage and self love. 'Okay body, bring in on. Power me up' is something that spurs me on to rise to the challenge. Works most of the time. Sometimes I chicken out but that's okay, I'm a work in progress.

Pick out the folk who raise you, they're stars at what they do (you'll recognise them in your life here and there). By the way, they may be few and far between because not everyone's as conscious as you.

Self questioning and self challenge is a much better mind frame to start the year with than simply remaining asleep at the wheel. You know you're awake when you ask the question 'Where to from here?'

🙂

[Aliza221]

Hey therising

It is a true question: do you ever get fed up with raising others, unfortunately we all know the answer is yes.

And what you said about feeling drained and maybe asking assistance from someone else, its so true. They will make every excuse from the book to not help, or say you're fine just push through....really? After the countless years i busted my back helping you guys, that's all i get in return? Precisely one of many reasons why i feel so down and socially non-existent.

You're correct, the churning happens when i am extremely going to be out of my comfort-zone. It is terrible to the point i always back out when i know i should've done it. I been backing out for five years now and miserable. I've been working on trying to get out but its just not happening.

Yeah, the numbers are dangerously low for those who helped me when i was low. And one of my best friends has been caught in some trouble and i won't be able to see him outside for four years, he usually helped me through rough patches when needed. Another blow to my already depending doom.

But thanks for the reply. You do have great points: Where to from here is personally one i have asked myself many times. Its like i can see hints of the rainbow (hope finally) before a dark cloud hovers above.

[Croix]

Dear Aliza221~

Things are not good and I can understand. It shows part of your generous and empathetic nature you want to help. Seems almost a case of ingratitude when you help someone and they fail to help you in return. Sadly it happens a lot. I too try to help - however that does two things

Firstly it gives others the impression you have it all together, even wise, and this is not the real you, but a mask. I have found that mask isolates me, keeps me at a distance and does not let others see me or my needs.

Then again consider the ones you have been helping. The fact they needed your help tends to indicate they do not manage well and maybe rely upon others to get though life. Not really the sort of people that give good advice and look after others. Takers rather than givers. Even though by helping them you have raised an expectation it will be mutual, it probably is not realy going to happen.

Mind you there can always be exceptions.

The persons who might help you are probably the ones who have not needed your help in the first place. They, as Therising says, are the ones to take a note of.

Wanting to complete your education -at any age - is another reflection on you your character, a very positive one showing sense and a desire to finish what you start

OK, it makes you a mature age student, which is a good thing. Having taught at uni for umpteen years mature age students were always my favorites. They were focused and not afraid to get help when needed - plus were not busy encountering a social life for the first time, to the detriment of their studies.

Getting out on the M7 gave you a glimpse of elsewhere, where your everyday worries could be seen as only a small part of a bigger world. While going that far all the time might not be practical perhaps incorporating some bike riding every day might be pretty beneficial.

Being a volunteer, particularly RFS right now, is a different world again, not only do you feel better about yourself by having accomplishment, but those around you will treat you well with appreciation. There are all sorts of opportunities in all sorts of organizations, from kitchens to shops, sorting to deliveries

If you have difficulty communication it will be OK, they can take that in their stride. It is learning and then putting that knowledge into practice that counts, and you won't be forced, but can go at your pace

Any ideas about an organization near you to cut down travel costs?

I'd like to talk some more

Croix

.

[Aliza221]

Hi Croix

I have been slowly backing away from helping those that don't bother to help me anymore and guess what, I'm the bad guy for saying no. It's almost laughable at this point how single-minded these people can get. I did encounter a moment where i required help two days ago (financial) and a friend that never asked me for help gladly said he could help out which made me realize like you both mentioned: these are the people i want to be around.

Its just a feeling in me that i hate just thinking about finish off my education, i want to further my career options which requires this piece of paper but as much as i tell myself its alright, people older than you do it too, it still makes me feel sad. I wasted so much years following and helping others.

I do try to get out with my bike every day or second day, does really make things easier on the mind.

Yeah i am hoping to be RFS volunteer, they just don't have enough hands to train at the moment due to these insane fires spreading every unfortunately. But the moment i get the green-light i will move ahead (something that i would have never thought about because of my anxiety)

By organizations what do you mean by that? Sorry i just got a bit confused at the end there.

thanks for you reply, i do appreciate it

[smallwolf]

Hi Aliza221,

Having lunch so I thought I would pop in and say hello.

After high school I went to TAFE when it was not "the done thing" and "only dumb people go to TAFE" had been mentioned. The feelings you expressed in your initial post would be natural. However, despite whatever setback you have had, you are thinking about completing your HSC shows a perseverance, commitment, persistence, not giving up. I guess my question to you is... what barriers are there stopping you from doing this?

As far as talking to therapist is concerned, you could always try calling Anglicare or UnitingCare. I know that with Anglicare, they say that everyone is entitled to mental health support regardless of income.

You going for a ride sounded good and can be a good distraction. There is a botanical garden about 25min walking distance from my home. Being about to go there and walk on the grass in bare feet is a nice feeling - a good distraction.

There are also threads on grounding and mindfulness you might get some idea from as well. Also suggest you check out a thread titled "three things to be thankful for today" - help you find some positives.

Tell me what things interest you? Do you have any goals?

I am interested in hearing more from you.

Tim

[Aliza221]

Hi smallwolf,

Hope you enjoyed your lunch.

The only barriers stopping me are my own barriers. My anxiety for social events, anything honestly. At one stage i would never stay home and be out so much but now, all i want to do is stay home. I need to fight these urges of finding comfort alone and get out a little more, i see it, i know it but i just can't grasp it. If that makes sense.

I will check these services out and the threads too. For the therapist services, are they over the phone only? The reason i am asking is because i think a face to face, though more demanding, would be overall a better option the moment i start working again which i hope to be employed before this month ends.

And as for what interests me. The most times i find joy are when i play video games (been playing them my whole life) and also when i read books and watch shows that i have been waiting years for. Anything that carries an amazing story. I also write my own books and this leads to another whole topic of my depression altogether. Now for goals, i flip-flop all the time. My biggest goal is to be an author and live somewhere far away. Now goals that seem more likely would be maybe a firefighter or joining the Navy, thus where my HSC comes into play. I consider myself dumb, when i shouldn't, but its the social stigma that's surrounded me my whole damn life.

[smallwolf]

You mentions that feeling wanting to stay home. Depression can do that to you also - at least for me. So what you said does make sense to me. Not sure if it is a just not wanting to be around people, or feeling I might drag them down or ??? When I spoke about this with my psych(s) (yes, I have both a psychiatrist and psychologist) the better thing to do is the opposite of what your mind tells you because that doing something action acts as a distraction from your mind.

From what I have read, Anglicare (and I would assume others) do face to face and can also do over phone.

On feeling dumb... I know that feeling well. My family are smart. Me not so. Try as hard as I could and the comments tha came back were along the lines of "if only he tried a little harder". Felt like I was trying to keep up or catch up. There were other things in my high school years as well. We each have our own area we are good in - despite sucking at maths in high school found that I was good at set based maths at Uni! You have your skills, even if they might not be evident to you just yet. Perhaps we could find them.

So plan A is to be an author and plan B is Navy or similar. Or you could incorporate both plans? What genre of books do you read and write? Now that is a talent.

I used to play MMOs. Not so any more. No time. Plus they get a bit repetitive after a while. Tell me about your favourite game sometime.

[Aliza221]

Its mainly not wanting to be around people because i have had my fair-share of disgusting humans and how greedy/terrible they could be that it completely turned me off from wanting to associate or socialize with many people. Now that's not to say i am a complete introvert, i can hold conversations and even randomly spark conversations with strangers but lately i have just felt like I've had enough of even trying. I don't want to be close with people anymore, but i will work alongside them in a career/business path. I've had maybe 3 people (excluding family) that has probably helped me out of their heart and not personal gain. How do you feel with your pyschs? Deep down do you feel as if it does help you?

I wish i was good at maths... that is my biggest downfall. And i used to follow everyone and i ruined my grades so much, failed everything. No excuses i know, but this on-top of social requirements for stuff that really does not need "papers of education" just tears down a person eventually, especially if that person already tears down themselves.

I would love to incorporate both if my future goes well and i can fight this social anxiety off. I was flirting the idea of medication but i cannot do it. Half my family have been on medication and i see first hand what it can do to you. I can't afford to spiral even deeper. That brings to question me mentioning your pyschs previously, how is that benefiting you? And i read conspiracy/thriller. Thriller or dark fantasy. And my writing genre -current book- is a mix of conspiracy/thriller with a sprinkle of fantasy you could call it.

My favorite game is The Witcher series. I am re-reading the book series after finishing up on the new Netflix adaption. Then i will jump back into the games. It actually motivates me to keep writing when i read the books.

[smallwolf]

to answer your questions ...

• the conversations that I have with my psychs are not the sort of conversation you would have with a friend.
• my psychologist likes to give me homework and/or challenges. for example, to rock the boat in conversations was one challenge. If I found the cause to an "issue" then I could work around it.
• part of my issue is haemochromatosis. Through parents I have predisposition to depression. I tick(ed) all the boxes for cognitive disorders - black and white thinking, labelling, perfectionism etc. I also have suicidal ideation as a precipitating/perpetuating factors (I cannot remember which). My psych recommended an app to use, and I have used it since day 1 to help stop negative thoughts.
• my psychiatrist (via medication) and other changes, helped my sleep through the night and not wake up in the middle of night thinking about work. Worked out the right medication for me as well.
• I have learnt to reframe my thoughts when some acts untoward towards me and to no blame myself. Recognise positives in my day(s). And worked out other ways of shutting off my mind before bed.

Books - I like most genres except for crime, mystery and sci-fi. Given the choice horror and fantasy.

Games - I played LOTRO, DDO, Neverwinter, and games of that ilk.

Have you tried to get anything published?

Tim

It sounds like you are good at writing and perhaps not so with maths - the maths I was good at I cannot really use in day to day life. I couldn't write a book to save my life.

Now while I might sound pro-medication, that is not the case. It worked for me and that is all. I have read a book where the author was anti-medication but said that if worked for you then good.