Sometimes

[JustTiffanyxo]

Sometimes I just don't feel good enough.

 Sometimes I just want to cry.

Sometimes I want to scream.

Sometimes,  despite my support network, I feel so alone.

So many people around me, caring for me, doing there best for me and I feel alone. It doesn't make sense. I've been called selfish numerous times but I don't understand how. I always feel like I'm not good enough. Someone else can be me and be a lot better at it. I wonder if I would be missed if I was gone. Sometimes i feel so black inside that i worry that the blackness is going to seep out and let everyone know I'm broken. I am broken.

[Neil_1]

Dear Tiff

Another lovely post from you – I believe I read you right when I first wrote to you – that you are one very intelligent lady who expresses herself in a clever and deep way.

Can I just suggest that for these people that call you selfish – if it’s possible, I would be distancing myself from them as much as you can.  These kinds of people can be toxic for us sufferers and therefore, we need to remove them.

That’s also an amazing feeling – I feel that often as well – to actually HAVE a support network and yet to feel so alone.  It’s an odd thing, but I can 100% relate to that.  I think it’s where people say, “Oh look, anytime you feel down or whatever, just call – we’ll go for a coffee or a walk and a chat, etc”.  Yeah yeah, that’s all fine, but we simply can’t do that.  I mean, what do you say when you’re at that ‘coffee time’?  I feel down.   Why?   Um, I’m not sure – I don’t really know.   (Hmmmm, awkward).

One last thing Tiff – you wonder if you’d be missed if you were gone.  I know next to nothing about you, but I can pretty much guarantee that your partner would be devastated, shattered and shot to bits if something like that happened.  So wonder no longer dear lady – you WOULD be missed and you’re fast adding a stack of newbies from this particular site who would miss you also.

Keep these posts coming Tiff.

Neil

[JustTiffanyxo]

Hi Neil,

Thank you so very much for your incredibly kind words.  It's so amazing the level of support on here, you don't have to actually 'talk' to anyone.... I feel I express myself and my thoughts so much better through words.

Your words literally brought tears to my eyes. So kind and yet you know nothing about me. I cannot offer my thanks enough!

My partner will always ask me what's wrong, but when I say 'I just don't know' I feel he doesn't quite understand.  Sure he's got pressures and he can have low moments too, but he doesn't like talking about them and never has.  I guess a big part of those pressures is me. He tries his best to help me, but doesn't quite know how to. 

As for getting rid of the people who are calling me selfish, well it's my family. I have always taken things to heart and have a habit to dwell on things that are said to me, even if things are said out of spite. I literally only have my mother, and younger brother (who is living with me at the moment) as my family.  They always find something to criticise me about, however, the ongoing world of the day is selfish.  That I don't take into consideration anyone else's feelings expect my own.  That I make things so much worse than they really are. I have ongoing emotional trauma since I was a child so I don't really think I could make anything sound worse that what has already happened.  The latest thing is that they are going to report me for drug abuse and neglect, and let me tell you, I hate drugs (the illicit ones) and only take what is prescribed for me. Sure I might take an extra sleeper if I'm having a super bad day and panadol for the constant headaches I get, but I am hardly a drug abuser. I'm so scared that they'll make up some false story and I will be out of a job that I love doing, one that I feel I was born to do. (I'm a registered nurse). 

ahhhhh soon much more can be added, but I'm watching that character count go down very quickly. 

 In short. I thank you sincerely.

[CrashCoyote]

You would be missed if you were gone. At least by me but almost certainly by those more important to you. x

[JustTiffanyxo]

Thank you for your kind words!

The level of support and companionship on here is amazing. I'm totally lost for words.

TIffany

[Neil_1]

Tiffany

I’m glad you’re getting that warm and fuzzy feeling from this site.  It’s what I really love about it – and the support here is absolutely amazing.  My opinion of people with mental illnesses is that they are among the most kind, considerate, caring and wonderful people that you could ever wish to meet. 

As far as your partner goes, it does sound like he tries and that things are all pretty much good there, which is awesome.  Maybe for an addition for him, you could get him to read some material on this site – for carers or supports – might be useful for him to get a bit better learned.  Just a thought.

Oh boy, family troubles.  It is such a common event and you sound so much like me in regard to the dwelling on things.  I had this supervisor a few years back who commented to me:  “Neil, just rethinking these bad things over and over again, is not good for you”   I responded with “Hey no sh*t!  This is one of the big issues for why I suffer from my mental illness – I simply can’t switch off”.

What is “water off a duck’s back” for so many people, we just hear these words and then we hear them again and again and go over and over it in our mind.  And then you get the old, “Damn, if only I’d said this or if only I’d said that (or even done this or done that)”.  But that’s usually after the horse has bolted.  Hindsight is such a wonderful, but annoying thing.

Now Tiffany, you are on prescription medication for your mental illness – you are a responsible, registered nurse – that sounds such a nasty thing that your family have suggested to you about reporting you.  I would really sit down with your younger brother (and have your partner there as well for support) and tell him about how you are and how you have to live with this each and every day.   You may have already done this – but he has no right whatsoever to be being so nasty in saying what he has said. 

And this is with him living with you and your partner – so much for him being thankful to you for providing him with somewhere to live.

I can also see my character counter dropping as well.  Hey, did you know that I feel partially responsible for them introducing a character counter, as when you put me in front of a keyboard, I do have a tendency to get carried away.

I do hope we can continue this chat.

Neil