So damn lost, i dont know where to start...

[DelSol]

Hey guys,

Need to find a starting point to 'feeling' better or at least working on that 'something' to feel happy again.

So i'll start by saying im a husband and a father, to two beautful kids (7b & 3g) with a job that keeps us well fed and living quite comfortably. Around about mid covid days depression hit me pretty hard, although this was an obvious build up of the Melbourne lockdown blues and just added workplace stress (container transport). During this time my wife and I were going through IVF also so stress levels were at an all time high, which i thought i could manage myself. Also during this time my grandfather had passed away due to ongoing sickness which really put me in the first hole in my mental state. A close friend had also moved north back home and for work (which not having many friends here to just catch up and chat sucks).

What made things worse was my BEST friend taking his life and having to be one of the first few on site to help with things. This is where i think things may have taken a turn for the worst, i feel upmost regret in not helping anymore than i could have (ongoing mental stress within my friend but i'd reached out and visited almost every day, nothing more I honestly could have done but you can't help feeling this way).
Now this sunk me into a hole big time but i let my busy work pull me through and time pass by. It still hurts every day to be reminded of what was and how it ended.

So fast forward to last year and my parents (mother and step dad) have gotten a divorce, yet after discussing a male hand shake agreement that my SD would look after and not leave my mum in the dirt we would continue our relationship, to which he has proven this is not the case. So i have cut all ties. I can't help but to reach out as we have common interests and such, but we had an agreement.

I also feel now as coming into a stupid busy period at work that everything is just hammering down on me emotionally and although I can manage on my own (which i have in the past) I'm just really struggling to get by now as it feels like a heavy Work,Sleep, Eat, Repeat cycle.

With self harm completely off the table as my little girl is very dependant on me (and i have had those thoughts many years before she was born) i could never let her go, all i want is to find peace and feel happy each day again.

How can I work on being happy each day and not feel like everything is such an effort?
I've tried, but i think now i need that helping hand this time round.

Cheers.

[Sophie_M]

Hi DelSol, 

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story on the forums. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, there is a lot going on for you that you are coping with. We’re sorry to hear you’re feeling this way and we hope we can offer some options that might provide you with some additional support.

Well done for opening up here. It’s really difficult to be open and articulate about how you’re feeling and what might be aggravating it. It sounds like the past few years have been a whirlwind and it is understandable that everything feels like an effort. We are so sorry to hear of the passing of your best friend, that is an incredibly difficult event to go through. We're wondering if you have anyone to talk to about this? You mention having difficult thoughts around self-harm years ago, did you ever find a counsellor or psychologist that was helpful? 

Often the GP is a good first port of call as they have a range of options and often know of options locally that may be helpful. Please know that Griefline might be good to talk to about this, on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEDT every day), as well as our own counsellors through the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or web chat or email available at http://www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport   

Lots of people on the forums find that sharing is an early step on the journey towards feeling better. We’re sure we’ll hear from them on your thread soon. In the meantime, here’s some resources you could take a look at, there may be some good information regarding working while juggling feeling this way as we know you've mentioned having a demanding job:

• When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 
• The Beyond Blue Heads Up page on working with a mental health condition  
• The Beyond Blue Heads Up resources on taking care of your mental health.  

Thanks again for sharing. Please be kind to yourself during this time, you are not alone in feelin this way and we hope our community can provide some helpful tips.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M