Should be happy, but sad

[JustinH]

Everything 'should be' great in my life! I have a wonderful wife, 4 beautiful kids and am 'successful'. I also an overwhelming sense of sadness and a deep sense of insecurity that everything will soon wrong.

I live in Melbourne, yet, for the last 3 years, have worked in Canberra - a different city! What started as Mon-Thurs afternoon away turned into Sunday night to Thurs night and sometimes Friday. Nightly Skype calls to 'see' my family turned into intermittent phone calls and now I often go for the week without speaking to my family; just texts for the logistics. I have now been away from home for 600 nights over the last 3 years, including 300 flights. I've also had to deal with my father getting dementia, looking after him (from Canberra as best I could), VCAT hearings against one sister (a recovered drug addict) to offer the best care for Dad that my other sister and I could find, then having him pass away in Aug 2014. I then became sole Executor and discovered a lot about Dad I never knew - his emotions, the 50 year-old love letters between Dad & Mum (divorced 35 years ago) he kept, the fact he retained every single letter, Christmas Card that any his kids ever sent him, even a poem about death that he wrote and I read at his funeral . . . He had an emotional and compassionate depth I never saw or knew about and it saddens me that we never talked about it. During this, I felt my wife didn't give me the emotional support/outlet I needed and craved.

Shortly after Dad passed, a member of my team in Canberra was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I never knew how to handle this with the rest of my team, but tried as best I could; provided support to the rest of the team etc. He passed away in Feb 2015. This was on top of another member of my team who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago, but lived until passing away last month. Now my wife's father has been diagnosed with dementia. I want to make sure I'm there for her. 

This has CHANGED me. I am irritable, moody, frustrated, cry often (to myself, even if for 30 seconds having had a thought about Dad or one of my team), am drinking more alcohol more often in Canberra. I have sought emotional support from those around me in Canberra, that I wasn't getting by not being; not have I been cut any slack from my employer - which, by the way, wanted to 'get rid of' the second team member some time ago and, when he stopped turning up to work, I hid from HR to protect him and his family. Am I normal?

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums JustinH. 

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling, hardly surprising that you would feel sad about the friends and loved ones you have lost, that's normal. It's confronting on many levels when people pass before their time, we question our own mortality and our lifestyle choices. Perhaps it might be a good time for you to talk to a counsellor, your feelings deserve to be validated. The irritability you are feeling is probably a symptom of something that can be worked on. It's time for a fresh mental health plan that takes everything into consideration. I could never have worked out what was causing my unhappiness without the help of professionals and please don't think it's weak to get help, it takes strength and bravery to get support and act on advice. 

How do I say this...I am scared JustinH that you will regret being away from your family for so long. You are obviously good at what you do, could you be equally successful in Melbourne? 

Keep your focus in the present, what small step can you take next that brings you closer to happiness and peace? Some times I have to write down all the important parts of my life so I can see if they are in balance, things like family & friends, health, career, music, nature, camping etc, I check what I am doing in each area, set some long term goals and bring it back to the small steps I can take today. Talk any time.

Jack

[Kazzl]

Welcome to the forum Justin - and greetings from a Canberran and, I suspect, fellow shiny  bum? 😃

I think you are entirely normal Justin for someone who's been through the sad losses and difficult circumstances you've been through. It must be hard spending so much time in a place that's not home. I've seen it before with people in the APS who do the weekly commute, you're not unusual in that at all. 

If you had your choice, would you rather be back in Melbourne? I'm sure you've looked into all this, but is there any chance of a transfer back there, or another placement with an agency that has a Melbourne office?

You really need to get some support for yourself mate. Grief, worry and responsibility pile up on us and provide just the circumstances for the black dog to pounce. I don't know what your EAP is like, I know they vary in quality, but they might be worth a try, at least to start with. I sense you're a manager and might feel like you have to put up the 'bossly' front for your team, but you don't have to struggle with this alone and there is support around in Canberra. There's no shame in seeing a psychologist or doctor about this. A good psych will help you with strategies for coping.

I understand about losing people from your team. I lost a colleague to suicide last year, and two members of my team have been through cancer in the past three years. Still with us fortunately. It rocks you eh? We care so much about our staff and colleagues even if we don't always admit it. We share their lives, they share ours, of course we care about them if we're decent people.

As for the drinking mate, gee I know how easy it is to seek comfort in the bottle, especially if you're alone at night. But it can be a slippery slope. I lost myself in it for years (now sober nearly 5 years). Don't let it get to the point where it controls you Justin. If you need help with that, I'm always here to talk about it.

Best wishes to you mate and come back and talk some more eh? I know where you're coming from.

Kaz