Severely Depressed & Anxious? (I don't know how i feel anymore)

[arealinsomniac]

Hello everyone, i am new to the forums and felt like it would be good for me to write how i feel, and what i have been feeling for the past couple of years that i have been afraid of opening up about. I'm 22 years old, and feel like i am severely depressed and anxious in general. I have little to no friends, no social life what so-ever due to my parents being super strict growing up due to religious beliefs and my 'safety' it was in their 'duty' to keep me safe at home and not find out who i truly am by making relationships with other people outside of school and so on forth. I feel like it had spiraled from when i was in primary school i would say 1st, to 2nd grade i would get bullied a lot by kids, and it kept happening from then on until 6th grade. It caused me to end up going home crying every single day. Starting highschool the same thing. I've never been a type of person to stand up for myself. In general i am not that aggressive looking at all i am petite, and small only 4'5 of course everyone had towered over me at school even other girls. I was born prematurely, very early! so that is why. Nobody seems to understand it, i've realised through out my life people are quick to judge and point fingers once they see something 'out of the norm' I am a perfectly healthy girl, nothing wrong with me except i am very short. I feel like all of my pent up emotions as a child, and how people have treated me have just made me hate myself. I often look at other people and wish i could be like them. I think i have depression, and anxiety. I cry a lot, almost every single day, i feel uneasy about being near people i prefer to be alone. I often get sad, and just cry away my feelings until my head hurts. I have seen a school therapist when i was younger, but i honestly am not sure if i have depression i think i am just lonely in general. I have noticed nobody in my life stays, i feel like i am a person who loves too much and i seek for the love, i give out. for somebody to reciprocate those feelings. i feel unwanted 100% of the time, and i am scared that i have a dependent problems. I love being alone in my bedroom for hours, but then at night i get lonely because i feel like i have nobody in my life who cares about me truly. I feel like i am so depressed but then again i don't know if i am i feel like there are people who have it much worse and that i am 'not worthy' or getting help, or getting medication because i don't know if i am depressed, but i feel it.

[Croix]

Dear Arealinsomniac~

Welcome here to the Forum. In this place you will hear lots of terms, depression, anxiety and so on. It is easy to be over concerned with such labels, but they are just that, labels. It is your actual state that is of concern.

You have given a pretty clear picture of an unhappy life. Crying nearly every day and feeling isolated from people is a horrible way to be and needs fixing so you can enjoy being you. From what you say your earlier years were a mixture of unhappy experiences at school being bullied and made to feel different because of your stature and being ultra-restricted at home. I almost said ultra-protected, however I don't think that was the case. As you pointed out those restrictions only make it harder for you and I think true protection would have been to deal with the bullying.

It makes no difference if others are better or worse, and being deserving is simply irrelevant. All human beings deserve medical treatment. I'd strongly suggest you see your GP, set out how you are feeling and take it from there. You will most probably need a long appointment. If in doubt write everything down first and share the paper.

At 22, if you have had a retiring life it is easy to think things cannot improve, socially or otherwise. That simply is not the case. Do you mind if I ask if you are still at home with your parents?

Croix

[white knight]

Hi

I lobe your attitude of giving to oyher people. Thats a real gift and something you can explore in tetms of career etc

Due to your upbringing you have a little carching up to do socially. If you are still living at home consider renting elsewhere. Sptead your wings so to speak. Your parents wont understand so thanking them for their views is important but you will feel better after some time witjout restrictions.

Google

Topic: what are you here?- beyondblue

Growing up different eg your height. A lot of people suffer over this. Google

Topic: the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

As for your ongoing emotions and crying a lot, there are a number of diagnosis that could cause this. A proper diagnisis starts with a GP visit. But to give you one idea

Topic: dysthymia- beyondblue

I hope that all helps. Repost anytime.

Tony WK