self love

KA2007 · ‎27-01-2023

I'm not depressed. At least I think I'm not. I just didn't know where else to post this. I hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I act, and I'm incredibly insecure. Whenever I do something or say something I always question myself afterwards. When I dress up or put on makeup I'm always comparing myself to others. I go on diets to loose weight but they never end up working because I can't control myself. My self worth plummets to the ground, because if I can't control myself or motivate myself to loose weight, I'm worthless. When others have things that I don't: a skinny body, confidence, good academic results, and guys to go on dates with I start to resent them. And what makes it even worse is that these people are my friends. Whenever they achieve great things or score a date with a guy I should be happy for them. Instead I feel a raging swirl of jealousy and I hate that I feel this way. Am I really that insecure that I'm jealous of my own friends? I don't want to be that person. Late at night I'm consumed by my thoughts that tell me: "why can't I be a better person?", "why am I so lazy?", "why am I grades so bad?", "why am I so fat?", "why do guys never talk to me?", "I hate myself". Its a never ending cycle. I don't know what to do. People always say : "Love yourself!" or "find a hobby! that self confidence will find its way to you soon!". Yet no matter what I do I still hate myself. And I hate that I hate myself.

Sophie_M · ‎27-01-2023

Hi KA2007, Thank you for sharing here. We’re sorry to hear how strong these feelings of self-hatred are for you. That must be incredible difficult, and we’re really glad you could share this here, as it must be really hard to sit with those feelings on your own. It sounds like it could be good to try to speak to someone. Is there a trusted person your could speak to, or the GP? We’d really recommend getting in touch with the Beyond Blue support line on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat 24/7. Doing the things that make us feel happy or balanced is so important. Is there anything that makes you feel this way? Some of the lovely community members here on the forum may be able to relate to that feeling, and we hope you find some comfort in their words. We expect they’ll come across your thread soon. Here’s a few things it might be helpful to look at while you’re waiting:

Thank you again for sharing here. It can be really hard to do that, and so we hope you can feel some pride in having done so. Kind regards, Sophie M

therising · ‎28-01-2023

Hi KA2007

My heart goes out to you as you feel such a deep longing to love yourself.

When I came to realise I was never taught how to love myself to or through life, the question became 'How do I do what I was never taught or led to do?'. If you can relate, you could say 'I'm starting from scratch'. Be incredibly proud of that.

From scratch

Inner dialogue's a biggy. Heard the old saying 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other'? While the devilish side may dictate 'You're hopeless. You'll never be as good as everyone else', the angelic side may dictate 'Find someone who leads you to a sense of hope and change. You need an inspiring leader'. Practice tuning into that angelic side. Practice, practice, practice. Besides guiding you to find a good leader, the dialogue may also dictate/guide 'You have got to stop looking in the mirror so much'. Being a 52yo cuddly gal at 90 kilos (reforming myself this year), my inner demons thrive on mirrors, 'Look at how you've let yourself go. Look at all those new lines on your face. Look at your hair. Look closer at how disgusting you've become'. Inner demons are nasty depressing things. Recognise what triggers them
Once you find who you naturally are, you'll come to love yourself more and more. 'I love going up to the hills, walking amongst trees. I love the sounds/smells. I love myself for being a nature lover' or 'I love feeling the early morning sun on my face while the wind brushes over it. I love myself for being able to feel life this way'.

Sounds like you're becoming highly conscious, waking up to a number of things. Love yourself for becoming more conscious. Waking up can be painful at times. If you're beginning to wonder a lot more, when it comes to how you tick, you're becoming someone who's full of wonder. Love yourself for being wonderful, even through the pain that our sense of wonder can sometimes bring. Wonder leads to constructive revelations.

In summary, 'I love myself for being a deeply feeling nature loving conscious wonderful person'. The quest for self love can hold so many questions and revelations. So glad you've come here on your quest.