It's 5am and my mind is still very active. Times like these I'm bombarded with a myriad of feelings and thoughts. Mostly of worry/fear, deep regret and painful memories.
I've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and mood disorder; and have been receiving treatment and medication for almost a decade now. The symptoms may have been around since i was in high school. I am now entering my 40s and I am disturbed by the fact that i have lost so many years to depression and solitude. I am still hopeful that things would turn out fine but i am afraid that time is running out for me to live life to the fullest.
It all started in school, i was badly bullied, mostly emotional (i would rather have been beaten up than called names). I was publicly humiliated on many occassions. The most traumatic was during my highschool graduation where they sang a corrupted version of the garduation song to humiliate me. What should've been one of the happiest moments in my life turned out to be a nightmare that would haunt me for years.
I was fed up. I swore to myself that i would never be in that situation again. I changed my persona to one that was a complete contrast of my former self. One day, my worst bully came up to me and bitch slapped me with a newspaper in front of a crowd. By then I had developed a fairly good reputation that i felt i had to keep, so with the little dignity i had, i was able to muster the courage to fight back. So i got up and punched the guy in the face. He was petrified, he retaliated with nothing but words and walked away. After what happened we became friends and i became one of 'them'.
Part of me had died the day i punched the bully. I began to lived a life of pretence, i was conceited, arrogant, extroverted yet introverted. Behind the facade was i was shy and insecure. I developed trust issues and attitude problems. I started losing friends and began to have difficulty any form of work. I dumbed down, barely passed college and always had difficulty in my job.
After so many years of sad and traumatic experiences, I became an escapist. I kept mostly to myself, playing video games, surfing the net, playing the guitar, and procrastinating. With each passing day i still hope that someday i would discover my true self and become happy and successful. I pray that it happens soon as i fear that i am getting old. My shyness and lack of skills has made it difficult if not impossible to get me out of my predicament It seems like only a miracle can help me.
