Relapse or faking it? Not sure, pls help!

[umeboshi]

Hi y'all, new here. Bit of background - I'm 24 y/o queer and trans and struggling a bit w dysphoria (which comes and goes). So...I've been struggling w depression and anxiety since 14. Since then I've had a severe bout of depression every year without fail. Since being hospitalised for a month when I was 21, I've been doing a lot better.

The last year has been pretty calm - the most calm it's been for me since this all started. I hadn't SI'ed. I've always been a heavy drinker but it wasn't bad. I was doing relatively okay at uni. Had a steady job.

This year, it all kinda unraveled. My workplace closed down so I lost a source of income. It's my lasts semester at uni and I've yet to go to class and I'm having difficulty with my assignments. I'm also discovering some heavy stuff about myself regarding gender identity. I've also been withdrawing, holing up in my room - it's not uncommon for me to spend a whole week inside. I just feel extremely anxious and uncomfortable in public. The last few weeks or so has seen me crying almost everyday and I SI'ed for the first time in a while yesterday. I'm also having trouble w sleeping and I'm having bad nausea and stomach issues. Essentially all the symptoms I have become familiar w over the past decade.

Thing is, I feel like I'm faking it all. Which is weird to say...right? I feel like, I'm using depression as a way to justify my failures and shortcomings and laziness and that it's all one big act. And I feel even worse because I'm such a loser that I would try to deceive myself of having a mental illness when I'm actually perfectly fine. And then I'd question myself and my intentions and I'd get all confused and mixed up.

But then I'd have absolutely horrible days when I know something's wrong, but it's not as serious as how I remembered my bouts of depression used to be, so it's just me making a big deal out of nothing, right?

I hesitate to go see a therapist or whatever because even if I am actually relapsing, it's never done anything for me (over 7 years, I've jumped from one person to another to another and so on). I just feel really disgusted with myself. Just looking for some thoughts on the matter. I would like to know if I am just running away from my problems or if there is actually something wrong. I just feel very fake and I think that I've managed to psyche myself into a lie and that everything I'm feeling and thinking is just one big act for myself.
Thanks in advance. -Umeboshi.

[geoff]

hello Umeboshi, well it's a good post so don't have any fear of it not, because I'm sure how you feel would go through many a person's mind.
The fact that you are debating whether or not you do have a mental illness by what is happening then creates an unstable mind and this can mean having a mental illness, because if you felt well and did everything you wanted, then you would have nothing to worry about.
There are a few points that you have mentioned in your post of anxiety, plus accepting your gender which you could fake to other people so that you won't be picked on or teased, but even so this will lead you to anxiety, social anxiety and then depression.
To answer your question, NO, I don't believe that you are FAKING depression, because there are too many triggers you have said in your post, as a stable, normal (whatever that means) wouldn't be arguing with any of these conflicts, it would be straight forward.
There is so much you need to discuss with someone, starting with you doctor,because you know if there was nothing wrong with you then you wouldn't stay in your room, cry and be scared to leave your room, it's not 'using depression as a way to justify my failures and shortcomings and laziness and that it's all one big act'.
Indecision and uncertainity leads to anxiety. Geoff.

[umeboshi]

Thank you Geoff for your reply. It's reassured me a bit and you've got me thinking that maybe I should try talk to someone. Thanks - Umeboshi.