Recently sober alcoholic struggling with self forgiveness

Rubify · ‎03-03-2015

Thank you for reading.

I am 7 days sober and struggling mostly with guilt and self forgiveness. I have been an alcoholic for 8 years and during this time I did have sober periods but these were short lived.

I am struggling to cope with the shame and guilt I feel toward myself and my alcoholism. I have had poor judgement, made bad decisions and put myself in situations that made me extremely vulnerable because I was "blind drunk". How can I forgive myself? I fear that if I cannot find a way to forgive myself, I will drink to escape what I have done and who I have become.

I would really appreciate hearing from others who have struggled with self forgiveness. I would be especially grateful if you could share with me exactly how you were able to forgive yourself and move forward with your life.

Thank you again for reading.

geoff · ‎04-03-2015

dear Rubify, thanks for posting your comment, because it's one that I can totally relate to, when I was suffering from depression for years and I mean years.

7 days that's excellent for someone who drinks is a long time, even 2 days is a mammoth effort, so there maybe many questions you may want to ask me so please ask what you like.

The shame and the guilt could have started only since you have stopped drinking, and please correct me if I'm wrong.

I only say this because when we are drinking the alcohol takes over and perhaps we may not have the shame and guilt, or not as much as when we are sober.

There could have been many situations that happened while you were drunk and I'm not going to ask you to mention them, that's up to you, but I could probably guess and again I'm not going to say what I think they are, but they have happened and we can't turn around time, it's who that has become upset or now disassociated themselves with you.

Friends and relationships can be destroyed within seconds, even though we might have known them for years, some can be rebuilt while others just disappear.

So perhaps the shame is from has happened over the past but when you were drunk, and wouldn't do when you are sober, well we all do stupid things when intoxicated and say what we shouldn't be saying, so any one who has been offended maybe open to have a talk to.

With me and I have to say that I only drink socially now, but my depression and drinking made my wife divorce me, our house had to be sold, and now I realise that I had to accept this was my fault because of the only thing I needed at that time and that was alcohol.

It dominated my life because I couldn't get out of depression, but I also had to rebuild my relationship with my 2 sons as well as I get on with my ex now, that was my guilt of destroying the family.

I am running out of characters so I will wait until I hear back from you which I hope I do and please ask whatever you like. Geoff.

Rubify · ‎04-03-2015

Hello Geoff

Thank you for replying to my post, I appreciate your time and kindness.

I have experienced guilt and shame for several years, however I just picked up another bottle of beer and became further intoxicated and shortly thereafter, the feelings of shame and guilt were gone, temporarily.

I am very fortunate that my family love me and have forgiven me but to maintain this forgiveness I have to remain sober. Some of what I am ashamed about is just the emotionally driven behaviour that occurred while intoxicated. I am guilty of being hyper sensitive and short tempered and not at all in control of my thoughts or behaviour. In many of my 'blind drunk' states I was vulnerable to whomever I was with at that time, I was in a black out and have no recollection of what happened to me and this deeply saddens and disturbs me. However in the same breath, I feel entirely responsible for these times, I chose to drink and to drink to excess to a point where I was totally out of control.This isn't easy for me to share, in fact I am contemplating deleting my reply and not posting anything at all. A part of me does not want to confront who I have become. I also feel deeply ashamed.

I am now going to press "Post this reply" before I lose the courage.

geoff · ‎05-03-2015

dear Rubify, I really appreciate you returning your comment, and please can I explain to you that this is a site where lots of secrets have been told and all of this is kept in strict confidence, and this happens for a few reasons, no one knows who you are, what you look like, unless you want to put a photo on like I have, but that's entirely up to you, and there certainly isn't any pressure on you what's so ever.

So I am very proud of you for talking to me and any one else who wants to chip in, so take a deep breathe and if you want I'd like you to get back to us. Geoff.

Daisycqt · ‎09-03-2015

YOU HAVE TO! Hon I'm a recovered alcoholic who climbed into a bottle when I was 19 and didn't climb out again for 20 years! I have two kids, and I can answer plainly you have to forgive yourself otherwise stopping drinking has no point. If you spend the next 8 years wallowing in the guilt of the loss of the last 8 all it means is you have lost 16 years! You can't bring them back, but spending time wallowing in recriminations is as self indulgent and self abusive as the drinking was. You've made the step to stop. WELL DONE, I know how hard that is. Now take the next step which is just as hard. Let it go! Let the guilt, recriminations, anger, uselessness, failure and bad decisions go. If you don't that beast within will awaken and you can only tame it one way, with a drink. So put it to sleep forever, let those negative thoughts go, right now. Get on with your new life and don't be drawn back into your old by this memory trick. You can do it. No one is blaming you but you. So tell the beast to shut up...you've got your life to live!

bringeroflight · ‎09-03-2015

Hi Rubify, It's great to see you've made the first step in the RIGHT direction!

I was a hardcore alchoholic for around 15 years but now I don't and never will touch another drop!

I have come to realise the damage it does in many areas of ones life and in actual fact it is a poision-literally!

This rubbish should be made (in my opinion) illegal and is extremely addictive, it causes family breakdowns, road deaths and is just downright nasty stuff.

I know full well where you are at as drinking can become a security blanket but in reality it is very damaging to the individual and society in general!

The trick is to stay on the right path and find enjoyment elsewhere-as for feeling guilty, as has been mentioned - move on, put any guilt behind you and go onwards and upwards!

Best Regards and wishes!

Bringer of Light...

geoff · ‎10-03-2015

dear Rubify, you have two plus me who have been alcoholics, and I thank Daisy and Bringer of Light for replying back to you as well, so all of us have been in the exactly same position as what you are in now, so perhaps I can give you a brief history of my drinking.

I managed two hotels, one owned by my us and my ex's family, while the other was owned by 7 guys and we just managed it.

When I became depressed and was diagnosed as such in '95 my own business fell apart and I started drinking, my then wife and 2 sons would always tip it out, so I became a cup drinker, but it caused my wife to divorce me and we had to sell our house, but now since then I am just a social drinker.

The thoughts that go through our mind are no different to what you are thinking so we just use alcohol to temporarily block them.

There is medication from your doctor which will stop you from drinking, but the catch is you have to want to stop.

I urge you to please come back to us as there is support for you. Geoff.

AlisonM · ‎10-03-2015

Hi Rubify, glad to read your post. Well done on seven days. I know that is a big deal. I know that because I'm just about to hit five weeks after twenty years of daily drinking.

I relate to your question of how to forgive yourself. It's hard, especially when you are so much harder on yourself than anyone else could ever be. For me it's become a choice of this: I can keep hating myself and setting myself up for failure and living in fear, or I can accept I made mistakes and resolve to do better. The point is that forgiveness is absolutely a choice. I know in real life it's not this simple. And sometimes you have to forgive yourself over and over. Here's the wonderful truth - that's okay. There's no statute of limitations on forgiveness, especially towards yourself.

Secondly, I just wanted to touch on the medication that someone mentioned to help stop drinking. I don't think we're allowed to name meds, but I did want to say that I'm taking a med prescribed for me to help me not drink and it's been incredible. It's almost entirely why I'm at nearly five weeks alcohol free and feeling great. It's true, you do have to want to stop drinking, but this has been a game changer for me. It might be worth you asking your GP about it.

Best wishes,

Ali

Rubify · ‎13-03-2015

I am deeply humbled by the support and kindness offered to me by Geoff, Daisycqt, bringeroflight and AlisonM. Thank you for sharing your time, experience, support and advice with me, I don't think words alone will allow me to express how grateful I am. Please know my heart is smiling as I feel so fortunate to receive such support from all of you.

I am excited to tell you that I am now 15 days sober! I have joined a support group that I attend at least 6 times a week and I have met some truly wonderful people who are offering me support and guidance.

Each day that I am sober I am able to forgive myself a little bit more for the mistakes I made when intoxicated, and consumed by the disease of alcoholism. I believe that I will be able to let go of the guilt and shame in time. I believe that if I am able to remain sober, I will at some point, forgive myself.

I have done some research and read about medications available to treat alcoholism. If it becomes more difficult to deal with my cravings I will speak to my doctor about medication used to treat cravings and alcoholism.

I am feeling very hopeful. I have now been sober 15 days and I am proud of myself for this. I recognise this is going to be a long and challenging journey, however if I can remain sober a wonderful future awaits me.

Thank you so much for your support.

geoff · ‎14-03-2015

dear Rubify, 15 days and now it's 16 what a great effort and you deserve a big pat on your back, and each day you will be able to forgive yourself even more.

I would suggest that you go to your doctor and just have a chat about this particular medication just so you know, and I wonder whether anyone in the support group is taking it. Geoff.