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Really struggling today

fifi
Community Member
having such a horrible day today ๐Ÿ˜ž and here i was thinking that i was having more good than bad ๐Ÿ˜› well this week has proved me wrong . I am in a major downward spiral sitting here at my work desk finding it hard not to burst into tears and the anxiety attack that is going with it has my stomach in knots. my body is aching all over and i am finding harder to function as the hours roll on over the last few days i have had a heap of veins explode and my hands are now all bruised and extremely sore not helping at all . the stupid irrational thoughts are back and i find myself over analyzing everything i have types this post over 5 times ๐Ÿ˜ž just wish everything would just settle down i really dont like where my head is heading praying for a better day ๐Ÿ˜ž
68 Replies 68

Jo3
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Fi

I have been reading your posts about hospital and surgery.  Sorry to hear about the endo issues. But on a positive note you still have IVF as a chance to becoming a mum.

I so hope so that this dream happens for you Fi.  I wish there was more we could do here for you.

Stay positive, take care and rest up.

Jo xx

fifi
Community Member
Thanks jo i am trying to stay positive but truth is today is just  a struggle i cant seem to think at all atm every thing seems a blur i guess i should have expected days like this i am finding myself just plain and simple worn out and the more tired i am the more upsett i seem to get go figure so much hurt and stuff to work through i am really not even sure where to start . As you said there is a silver lining but atm its not shining to brightly all in time i guess thank you for your post ๐Ÿ™‚

Neil_1
Community Member

Hi there Fi

Been about a week now, hasn't it since the op?  Or am I way off the charts with my memories?

Either way, I'm just swinging by to check in and see how you're doing?   I think last time you posted, you weren't feeling so flash.

Neil

 

fifi
Community Member

HI neil ,

Cant say I am to proud of my progress I will  say that I am totally lost and just not coping at all I am tired yet I cant sleep I feel physically ill no appetite and still in pain   and to be honest just wish this whole mess would just go away I know I know it wont I know I have to deal and keep on walking but right now walking is just so hard my heart is hurting soo much I really don't think I have ever felt this pain before just lost

Neil_1
Community Member

Hi there Fi

 

Iโ€™m pleased to hear back from you โ€“ but your current state certainly does not sound good.  However, I donโ€™t think that itโ€™s simply a case of you feeling proud or not.  Itโ€™s different to that.  Youโ€™re at a low ebb and this is following on from a low lead up to your recent operation.   Then cometh the operation and now youโ€™re in the aftermath and things are just not rosy and bouncy for you at this time.  Having said all that, I have no doubt that things will turn at some stage in the future โ€“ Iโ€™m certain of this.

 

So for this current phase, Iโ€™m hearing you loud and clear โ€“ and we just need to ride through these waves โ€“ ride it out. 

 

But to break things down a bit โ€“ youโ€™re tired all the time, but canโ€™t sleep.  And feel physically ill, but not hungry.  These things I feel are all linked together.  With regard to food (and drink, and am referring to water here โ€“ or even electrolyte replacement drinks โ€“ perhaps even the Gatorade variety, but the better variety are the ones from the chemists โ€“ the hydralite drinks โ€“ the orange is quite tasty as well), itโ€™s a matter of trying to eat just small amounts at ANY time of the day.  Forget these locked in timings of breakfast, lunch and dinner โ€“ although having said that, breakfast should always be a lock โ€“ a definite.   To fuel the body ready for the day ahead.

 

Food can at this time be mostly what you fancy โ€“ cause if youโ€™re not feeling overly hungry, then try to eat things you enjoy.  We need to get fuel back into your body so you can at least โ€œfeelโ€ like being able to do โ€˜stuffโ€™.

 

Water/fluid is another huge key factor.  Lack of water in oneโ€™s body (any kind of dehydration) only emphasises the depressive symptoms we have.  Try to sip through the day โ€“ super important.

 

(This post has been bought to you by the kind people of โ€œEat well, drink well, live wellโ€).

 

Neil

fifi
Community Member

Hi Neil ,

Thank you for taking the time to reply ๐Ÿ™‚ I am trying so hard to eat and did manage to have 2 good meals last week and some nibbles on the days i just could not manage anything else as for everything else i know i just have to hold on and ride it out . I seem to be feeling an unbelievable amount of guilt and have had lots of mini panic attacks over the last couple of days usually just before i go to sleep usually ๐Ÿ˜• . Dealing with grief and loss has never been one of my strong points . on the upside thou i have been and met the ivf clinic face to face and they were really wonderful people but however because of my depression i will be required to see a special fertility councilor i guess that could be a good thing maybe they will be able to help me deal with the hate hurt and god only knows what other crazy stuff is flipping around me head atm 

Neil_1
Community Member

Hi there Fifi

 

Panic attacks are not fun at the best of times โ€“ but for them to happen just before bed-time is not a good thing โ€“ for the getting to sleep;   but also for how stressed out and worn out it would make you as well.

 

I am with you on the โ€˜dealing with grief and lossโ€™ side of things โ€“ it strikes me REAL HARD.

 

Hey, that is good news re:  the ivf people โ€“ and as you would think, itโ€™s great to hear that they are wonderful people (a bit like butcherโ€™s โ€“ sorry bit left field here, but for all the butcherโ€™s Iโ€™ve ever me, I would think โ€˜pound for poundโ€™ they would have to be the happiest, friendliest people on this planet).

 

And also a very good thing that they are hooking you up with a special fertility counsellor โ€“ which sounds absolutely awesome for you โ€“ some one-on-one specialised support for you.

 

Keep up the good work with the eating โ€“ and donโ€™t forget the fluid intake as well.  ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Neil

fifi
Community Member

Goodness me what a few weeks it has been i havnt been on much and when i have been on its been all work and no play for this little black duck !!!! i have my first appointment with the ivf councilor tomorrowand also another interview with the actual ivf team this time with jeff (my husband) . As for everything i think i am ok still having panic attacks not as many as before but still enough to be a pain in the bum !! my appitite has still not increased but on the up side i am maintaining weight and no longer loosing so thats a good thing . I am still rather bamboozled by all of this and am still finding myself Angy upset and confused a lot of the time but i am seeing some improvement . I guess thats all we can really hope for hey ???? any way how are you Neil ?? how are things in your world ???? 

Look forward to your reply ๐Ÿ™‚

Jo3
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Fi

Just wanted to say that I wish you and your husband all the very best.

Good luck tomorrow with the counselling session.

Thinking of you

Jo xx