Please help - long term mental illness and run out of options.

[QuinnH]

Hi

I've suffered from Depression, Anxiety & Complex PTSD for a long time. I've been in treatment for the past 4 years.

I've taken multiple medications, engaged in a number of talk therapies, had a round of ETC, and continually tried to implement all the strategies I've been given. I'm 29, eat healthily, exercise at least a few times a week, maintain a full time job, get involved in fundraisers and help at my church, try to socialise with others and invest in my friends and families lives and have an outward, grateful focus.

But I'm still struggling every day. Some things have helped somewhat over time, but nothing has had a lasting effect and I'm feeling really desperate and exhausted. I can't focus or think clearly, forget things, feel overwhelmed by simple things and by intrusive thoughts that I find hard to ignore, get anxious and have panic attacks and feel so low and despairing and just wrong.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best to stay for my family & friends, but something has to change. I wish I was strong enough to just live with these symptoms and thoughts, but I just don't think I am.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I could try? Any ideas would be so appreciated.

[geoff]

Hello QuinnH, welcome to the site and sorry for how you have been feeling.

I wonder whether you have been diagnosed with OCD as you mention 'intrusive thoughts' and being 'overwhelmed by simple things that you find hard to ignore'.

OCD is having upsetting thoughts, obsessions, that cause extreme anxiety and to relieve this anxiety they engage in rituals or behaviours known as compulsions, and it can be different to what other people feel, because they experience some type of obsessive thinking and engage in compulsive behaviour to an extent, but those with OCD experience feel it more mentally and/or physically uncomfortable.

They know that it's interfering with their ability to do everyday activity, this is what happens to me because I have OCD.

PTSD can make a person get OCD, it did with me and intrusive thoughts are also formed from this.

I hope this helps you but it would be good to hear back from you. Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi QuinnH

I must say, sounds like you've put an incredible amount of effort into seeking change. In my opinion, you're truly an amazing person facing overwhelming challenge! In regard to the challenges, when the desired results don't match our effort, the whole process can definitely feel disheartening to say the least.

You mentioned talk therapy, which leads me to ask whether group therapy has been a part of your experience. If not, has it ever been a consideration? I personally found such therapy to be life-changing, although very uncomfortable at first. It felt refreshing to be a part of a group where I felt 'normal', so to speak. To be able to walk into those sessions once a week and be understood and accepted by like-minded people was something I always looked forward to. It was a relief from 'the outside world'. The outside world tends to be filled with unrealistic expectations when it comes to those suffering from mental challenges. If you have tried group therapy, do you think it was the right group for you, in the first place? Whilst the trial and error process can definitely be mentally exhausting and a little on the soul-destroying side (which I'm sure you will acknowledge), finding the right help for you as a unique individual remains the ultimate goal.

I know it sounds like a completely ridiculous analogy but just yesterday I went into a certain store, which bears the name as a particular fruit, with the simple issue of resetting the password on my Mac. Simple...not on your life. It took some hours and a number of genius' to work out what the underlying problem was (why I couldn't get into the computer). None of the folk behind the bar had ever come across the problem this computer presented. They had to research a solution, to great degrees. Eventually...the solution...a complete system reset. Through a lot of trial and error, the poor guy who got stuck with helping me fix things, found the answer. Again, a ridiculous analogy (given your serious challenges) but what often seems simple, as though it should work for all, doesn't always hold the answer.

The moral of the story? Find a seriously determined genius who is open to all possibilities when it comes to helping you 'reset your system'. You are a complex person, given the many challenges you face, therefor you may have to find someone who is uniquely intelligent when it comes to helping you find your answers. They are out there, don't give up looking.

Take care of yourself QuinnH

[Doolhof]

Hi QuinnH,

Recently I have found myself sitting with myself a lot of the time and I have not enjoyed it very much.

Looking back over the last few weeks, I have realised this has given me the opportunity to accept I suffer from depression and other ailments and some days there is nothing I can do about it and that is okay!

I have had a moon boot on and have been unable to drive. We live in a small town with no public transport. I have been stuck and isolated as friends whom I generally visit declined to drive to our home to visit me for a change.

I've looked for answers and solutions. Tried all kinds of things. Until I realise that I am able to help myself to some extent, I am not going to get anywhere!

Some days I need to accept that no matter what I try, I am going to be depressed and have suicidal thoughts. It is not pleasant. It is as it is. I can accept it or drive myself crazy.

All of what you are doing and have done is very commendable. I would like to encourage you to keep going and to also cut yourself some slack as the psychologist tells me.

All the best from Dools

[QuinnH]

Thank you so much for your reply & encouragement. It honestly means a lot. I often feel like it’s my fault I’m not getting better, so it’s really encouraging to hear someone say I’m doing a good job of trying.

i haven’t done group therapy before. My psych did suggest it once but the group she wanted me to do was on during working hours and as a teacher, it’s not possible to take consistent days off because I’d miss the same classes over & over. Also to be honest I’m pretty scared of it, just because I’m quite introverted as it is & find it difficult to open up to even my close friends. But I can see how it could be beneficial & what you mean by the outside world. I’ll bring it up with my psych!

again thank you so much for your support.

[QuinnH]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m glad you’re finding ways to reframe your thinking & treat yourself with compassion.

thank you for sharing & encouraging me. I really appreciate it & I do see that I can be very critical of myself & feel like I’ve failed if I have a bad day. I’ll try to make a point to deliberately implement this more. But also be kind to myself if I struggle to do this!

i hope you start to have some better days!

[Doolhof]

Hi QuinnH,

Today has been a good day for me. I have managed to check of some things on my to do list including a bit of weeding.

This time of year we have a lot of different birds in the garden. I try to keep the bird baths full for them. I can see the birds out the kitchen window. Sometimes I stand there and watch them in the birdbaths.

I think occasionally we can be critical of ourselves without even realising we are doing it.

A psychologist was asking me how I would react if a friend was in a certain situation, then how would I talk to myself if I was in the same situation. It was interesting to consider my "usual self talk" compared to how I might reach out to someone else.

Realising we have an option as to which thoughts we allow to take over our minds can be liberating. I do feel that at times the depression does take over quite severely, but it doesn't last for ever right!

Hope yo have many moments where you are able to move forward and feel really good about yourself!

Cheers to you from Dools

[therising]

Hi QuinnH

The group therapy thing is something which can seriously challenge the mind at first. Typically we're taught (in a variety of ways) to not openly express how we feel, especially to a bunch of strangers but strangers don't stay strangers for long in such a setting. You've possibly seen movies or shows where there's a group of folk in some sort of therapy, sitting around talking fairly openly whilst quietly supporting each other like they've known one another for ages. I personally found it did turn out, very much, to be like this. I never would have imagined this being one of my comfort zones, being such an introvert myself. I think just about everyone starts off doubting their ability to open up and connect in this sort of setting but a good facilitator holds great skill in bringing people together in such a unique way.

Not sure if it's of any interest but a fascinating guy, whose work I absolutely love, is Joe Dispenza. One of his serious passions relates to the field of epigenetics, a mind-blowing topic when it comes to understanding how we tick. I've never known anyone to take the topics of Neuroscience, Epigenetics and Quantum physics (or what some may acknowledge as mind/body/spirit) and explain them so simply in such a relatable way. The NEQ triad holds many exciting and yet to be discovered treasures in regard to the future of physical and mental well-being.

Take care QuinnH