Please help - I'm at the end of my rope

[Kirk]

Hi all, I really need to reach out and talk about the issues swirling around in my head.

I have had depression for two decades now. I am on anti-depressents which cause me to not feel much emotion at all. I just feel numb.

I also have OCD, specifically contamination OCD. My brother peed on his hands once and used our fridge and, after 10 years since it happened I have been so scared to touch it with my bare hands that I always wear gloves in my own kitchen. I have pure OCD where thoughts can come in and I don't necessarily have to do a compulsion to try and get rid of them.  My thoughts involve incest which disgusts me but I can't get rid of them and it scares me.

I am very worried about my future. I still live at home because of my mental health and want to move out, but rent is so expensive I would have to live with someone who I don't know.  Plus I am incontinent.  This I'm sure has been caused by my depression but who's to say. The urologists I've seen haven't been able to help.

I'm in a job I do well but I don't like. I don't know how to move into a different role or what I would even do. I just feel stuck.

I am unhappy in my social life. I have barely any friends. I have never had a real loving relationship. I am afraid I am unlovable in my current condition, or if I am even able to love someone else with my depression and lack of feeling emotion.

I need some guidance. I don't know how I can change my life. It feels like too many issues on top of each other which I have battled for decades that hasn't gotten any better. I have seen psychologists before with very limited success. I find it very hard to see things through with them and I don't know why. Do I not want to get better? Am I just so used to suffering? I'm so confused.

Thanks for listening.

[Croix]

Dear new member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the support forum, a place where you might get some fresh ideas. I found it was very easy to be 'stuck in a rut' and simply accept my conditions, when actually there were often some alternatives.

I started treatment for my episodes of depression with conventional anti-depressants and had all the usual side-effects, zombie-like, gaining weight, and no motivation. It took a long time with my psych trying out different meds. I'm glad I persevered because I've now been on a regimen that suits me for many years, effective and with little side-effects.

While everyone is different I would not be surprised if there were meds that suited you better. do you tihnk it is worth having a chat to your GP or psych about this?

One of the advantages I now have is being able ot cope better with the difficulties life throws at me, and you have had plenty.

It is easy to be overwhemed when there are multiple problems and multiple symptoms, however like most things starting small, dealing with one thing at a time can break them down into manageable portions. May I suggest rather than one psych trying to deal with the lot and maybe not being paricularly productive, use one that helps for an issue like depression or OCD or thoughts. I know this can be difficult on limited means and if they are not available in your area.

Incidentally intrusive thoughts are no reflection on you or your nature, they simply come. It does not mean anything about you and incest for exampe, it is simply the thoughts have latched on to that idea. It is a pity they never seem to pick on pleasant subjects.

I've probably said quite enought for one post, if any of this makes sense or you would like to return you can be sure of a warm welcome

Croix

[Rosie]

Hi Guest

I have suffered from OCD/paranoia for decades.  Both OCD/paranoia often go hand-in-hand.  I was convinced people were spying on me or were talking about me so I was always in a state of fight or flight which is an exhausting way to live. I found anti-depressants really helped.   

Trust me the incest thoughts are part of having OCD.  Some people with OCD fear they are going to kill someone even though they know they will not but they can't control the intrusive thoughts.

I still have intrusive thoughts but I can manage it much better these days on medication.

Hang in there and do go and see your GP.  

Good luck.

Warmest regards,

Rosie

[Kirk]

Thanks for the reply! This actually did help somewhat. I appreciate you reaching out 

[Oshinxx1]

Hi Kirk,

Yes feeling stuck is a hard feeling to have, I believe you do want to get better because of everything you have said you have done to get help, even reaching out on this forum. The idea that people can get used to suffering is common as sometimes that's all we know for long periods of time. As people have said, having a chat to your Doctor again about perhaps exploring other medication and options that may suit you better, there are so many different medications that finding the right one for you may make all the difference. 

Thoughts are not reliable in that they do not always tell the truth and they do not define who you are inside, do you have somebody that you trust that you can 'fact check' a thought you have? Sometimes running something by a trusted person can give you an alternative perspective, I know you said that you have felt you have had limited success with your psychologists but a psychologist could be someone who could fill this role for you. I know it can sound cliche but writing things down can be helpful, a form of 'fact checking' yourself. 

I can hear in your writing that you are suffering and are overwhelmed but you are making steps to get better.

No-one chooses to struggle with their mental health and it isn't a defect in ones being or self, it is something that happens to us. You are special and deserving of love and happiness. 

[Guest_9972]

I'm really sorry to hear how much you're struggling. It's clear you're dealing with a lot, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed. Dealing with depression, OCD, and the challenges they bring can be incredibly tough, especially when it feels like progress is slow or non-existent.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that you deserve support and compassion, especially from yourself. It's not about not wanting to get better—it's about the complexities of these conditions and how they affect each aspect of your life.

Regarding your living situation and job, those are big stressors too. Moving out and finding a different job can feel daunting, especially with financial concerns and the added difficulty of finding suitable accommodations.

As for relationships and social life, feeling unlovable or unable to love is a common struggle with depression, but it's not a reflection of your worth. It might be helpful to explore ways to connect with others who understand or share similar experiences, whether through support groups, online forums, or therapy.

If you're finding it hard to stick with therapy, it might be worth discussing this with a therapist. Sometimes it takes time to find the right approach or therapist who clicks with you.

Please know that you're not alone in this journey. Many people face similar challenges and find ways to improve their lives, even if it takes time and persistence. Take small steps towards what feels manageable, and reach out for support when you need it. You deserve healing and happiness