Past haunts me

[kadd]

Hi there, not sure if this will help. For the last 20-30 years I have been dealing with depression/anxiety on and off. This is due to a situation when I was a child....and after that in my 20's. I was raped, I never came forward to anyone about it, consequently got pregnant and decided not to keep the baby. Alcohol was the only way I could keep the guilt at bay and forget things I did. Since then I have made extremely bad decisions, reckless, promiscuous and have been in trouble with the law and now I am 51. I have always been in relationships whereby I always pick the wrong man as that's all I think I am worth, the last man I was with was narccisstic and messed with my head when he felt like it...I am somewhat introverted and I live with my parents and they have had enough of my outbursts. I don't think they want to believe I am not well and it can be swept under the rug. I have tried antidepressants but they make me feel sick. I dont know the next step. I sometimes feel like just walking into the ocean and never coming back. 

[indigo22]

Hi kadd,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

There are a number of things I feel I can address in your post so I will go through them one at a time.

I am a little older than you and have been dealing with major depression since I was about 12 so I can empathise with how difficult it is to manage and live with. The parents from our generation were raised differently and people did not talk about mental health when we were young. If your parents are unaware of what you went through in your 20s, they have little information to go on. But at the end of the day it doesn't really matter what they believe about your health, because you are the only one who can help you at this point in your life.

You said you have tried antidepressants and they made you unwell. Can I ask, was there only one type you tried? I ask this because I had to try 2 others before the one I am now on and have been on for a number of years with very few side effects. It may be worth talking with your GP if you have only tried one type.

I am so sorry that you went through such a difficult time on your own. The assault was bad enough to have to deal with, but having to deal with making a decision like that on your own in your 20s must have been very hard for you. I can understand why you turned to alcohol but I think this is why you have been struggling since that time. If we don't deal with our emotions and instead bury them and attempt to forget them, they will continue to bubble up until they are dealt with. I would like to suggest that you seek counselling to address the emotions that have not been dealt with regarding your assault and also the termination that followed. You will need support to look at those parts of your life so please give this some thought. Since you have also had some issues with narcissistic abuse, I would advise calling 1800RESPECT for advice and referral.

1800 737 732 available 24/7

The last part I want to address is that I too went through a long stage of making bad decisions, attracting the wrong males, suicidal ideation, etc., and it is because of the low self esteem and low self worth that was brought about by not dealing with our emotional baggage. We can tend to blame ourselves for not being good enough, or worthy enough or any one a dozen reasons like that, but it is not actually the truth we are telling ourselves. The truth is we are all worthy of love and respect, we are all more than good enough, and we are all worth the effort to become whole and healthy again. I have dealt with the majority of my baggage now, make very few bad decisions these days and I live alone not because I lack self worth but because I choose to.

I hope this has been of some help to you, I am happy to continue the conversation if you wish to.

Take care of yourself,

indigo