Overwhelming depression

[Living57]

Since Easter i have been struggling with depression that seems to be getting heavier and heavier.
I live in one state where a daughter and son-in-law live, I have another daughter, son-in-law and grandsons in another state.
My struggle is wanting to be available for both of them.
I've started thinking about moving house so that I live halfway between the two. Im only daunts me due cost and finding accommodation, I currently live in government housing its beautiful, I'm the first tenant here
I dont know what to do.
I'm also dealing with a sexual assault, the ongoing investigation, its left me isolated, confined to my house, I no longer trust the police, people, crowds etc
Im not getting more than 3-4 hours sleep at night, my brain just doesn't shut off. I have to remind myself to eat. I struggle with mental health, childhood abuse and sexual assault my depression, anxiety CPTSD worse. It is totally debilitating, even the simplest things are hard. It takes away my ability to accomplish anything, I start but can't finish.
I've spoken to my Dr, who I have a lot of trust in. I used to see a psych about the sexual assault but have stopped as I dont think its making much difference, I'm still having nightmares and flashbacks, after 2 years I feel I'm wasting his time. The one thing that's a constant in my life is taking my meds. As I said to my Dr im too bloody scared of what might happen if I stopped.
I'm tired of the pain and struggle and trauma and rejection and loss. I'm tired of knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I was never healthy, never whole, never able to do the things I wanted to do, never had a real life. It's too much and I don't want to do it anymore. But I will, because I have to, just like when I was a child, when I thought it would all be better when I grew up, but now I know I will never grow up, not in the parts that hurt, that are unwanted, that are and always will be a tiny creature crying out with unmet needs. That's what I was born to and will never escape from.
I find I'm thinking about death a lot, making sure all my papers etc are altogether. That people know where they are., but I'm not actively thinking about ending my life its just an overwhelming feeling of being trapped with memories of hurt and pain, unloved and unwanted. I have told my Dr this as well.
I am really at a loss of where to turn or what to do. I go to bed at night and dread the dark hours that will lead to another day the same as the one before.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57, 

Thank you for your post to the forums today and welcome back to this caring, open and supportive community. We can hear that you love your family and that you are doing what you can to be as supportive as possible. We hope that you can also prioritise your needs as well. It is wonderful to hear that you have such a positive relationship with your doctor and we would encrouage you to share these thoughts and feelings with them as well. 

If you feel that these thoughts of death are leading to you being unsafe, it is important that you call 000 straight away. You can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you are in crisis. 

We also think it could be useful to talk to our friends at 1800RESPECT (180 737 732) about your past trauma. They are experts at supporting those with experiences like what you speak about in your post. They will be able to help find any additional support you may need as well. 

We want to thank you for your post today, we imagine it has taken a lot of courage to share with us but you never know who will read this and feel less alone in their own experience. Please feel free to update us on how you are feeling if you are comfortable, and to look around the forums for other conversations that might resonate with you. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[That Other Guy]

This is devestating. I wish I could meet you and give you a hug.

You clearly have had more trauma than most people have to deal with. You said you're on meds but stopped seeing a therapist. Perhaps you need a better one?

Your kids don't live at home. They are not your responsibility. I love my kids, I see them when I can and help them if I am able, but they are old enough to face the world alone and not expect me at their beck and call. That holds true for EVERYONE, let alone someone struggling with the trauma you are overcoming. I would make that clear, find a place to live that meets YOUR needs, and bake a cake every time they find a way to visit.

If I was you, I would certainly look to live near the grandkids :0) I would also suggest you need a support group beyond people you are related to

[Living57]

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate the time you have taken to reach out to me.

[Living57]

Thank you for your reply and reaching out to me. I have noted down the number for RESPECT and if I can find the courage within me I will call them.

[That Other Guy]

PLEASE find the courage to call someone. They are literally paid to help you. You are WORTH IT!!!

[Living57]

Well not much has changed. I hit rock bottom and my body gave in to the pain of fibromyalgia and left me unable to do much except lay down and nap and try and read...ha ha ha I had to go back and read the previous because I couldn't remember. I found myself thinking a lot. Remembering my life and the pain and hurt and abandonment that I endured growing up. Needless to say I sunk further down the black hole. I cried and cursed, but that really did no good. I found myself at the mercy of 'the shadow man' who lived with me as a child, logic me knows he's not real, distressed depressed me listens to him and its totally negative, I'm not good enough, unloved and unwanted. And I started thinking about my life, and what have I done with all the years I've had and all I could think of was the pain and hurt I endured and I fell to the bottom of the black hole. But I'm back here posting and trying to get to the top of the hole that seems so far away and I'm trying not to give in to the darker thoughts, I'm trying so hard.

[Vamp]

It is so hard sometimes but I'm very pleased that you are trying hard

I'll keep trying too.

[ChildHeart]

Hi Living57,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation but I wanted to say that you may not be feeling this way, but you have a lot of strength within you. I have never really seen that in myself and then I came here and was told that very thing by another caring member of the forums and it was a surprise and nice thing to hear because as I say, I don't see that in myself but it's nice that somebody does. Anyway, I wanted to say that to you because sometimes we are so focused on everything we have been through the challenges, the struggles and the pain (understandably of course) that we forget that we are still here and that the simple act of waking up in the morning shows a great deal of inner strength. Showing that despite what we have gone through, there's hope within us that today might just. be a better day.

Everybody deserves happiness and no matter what happens in life no matter what we go through I believe this to be true for everybody. I don't at all mean to sound as if I know exactly what you are going through because of course there's no way any of us could and I know the road to recovery seem long and maybe even impossible right now but know that you are strong and you are deserving of a future filled with love and happiness.