Not sure what to do

[Jaybird77]

Hello 

I feel I’m becoming numb to living.  I can’t even say at least my childhood was great because it started off with the first man in my life that was suppose to love me enough to not take away my childhood . He was meant to be the protector of it happening but instead was the beast who inappropriately abused me , followed by an uncle and family friend.  I question myself stil at age 48 and a mother to 8 , why did they all pick me. Did I do something that encouraged it. I was just a baby still and didn’t deserve it. But why so many men and why me. It still sickens me today. 

Then again I faced it again by a adult who was suppose to be my friend when I was 14 years old; in front of a room full of boys, all of whom did nothing to help me.  I couldn’t tell anyone this happend to me , I never even told anyone what had happened by my father , uncle and family friend. I couldn’t tell my mother because she would of blamed me like she did my sister when she told her this same uncle sexually abused her, my mothers brother to be exact. So I learnt early not to share anything with my toxic mother.  I pushed that experience down deep with the others and left it there. 

The only person I felt loved by was my only brother. He understood what I went though with our mother. But on my birthday a few years ago I was watching the news and saw a man had been murdered and it was my brother. He was murdered on my birthday. I haven’t celebrated a birthday since and never will. I am still grieving for him as he was the only family I had. A year after his death my son in law was murdered and left my daughter to raise two little babies so I had to put all of my grief back down into the place I leave all my traumas and hell  and help my daughter get through her grief and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I don’t feel I got to grieve for my brother properly. 

I just don’t know where to go. I’ve never had any kind of therapy and I don’t even know how to get it or if it wil even help me. I’m so mentally messed up. 

I just don’t know where to go 

[Croix]

Dear Jaybird77~

Welcome to the Forum, I'm glad you came here, it's a place you may find others who have faced abuse like you have and have felt just as unhappy and at a loss.

The number of injuries that were done to you, including that terrible betrayal by your mother, will have poisoned so much in your life. Add to that the the death of your brother, now the death of your son in law too. It is a huge burden for one person to face.

I don't know why it happens this way but a person who has been abused does very often come round to blaming themself. It is the exact opposite of that should happen - it is of course the abusers and those that turn a blind eye who are the villains.

I know this is only words on a screen and may not have much effect but it has never been your fault - not even a little bit.

It says an awful lot about your character, goodness and love you are helping your daughter, even thought it makes your difficulties so much harder.

At 48 it is time that your life was made easier, even enjoyable, and that does not often happen by oneself, it takes skilled assistance to ease you past all the horrible things that have happened, and even with that help it may take some time, but you can get there. I have recovered to a good place from a different deep trauma.

May I suggest you get started by contacting one or more of the following:

The Blue Knot Foundation which supports adult survivors of childhood abuse

1800RESPECT which deals wiht abuse of all sorts and offers advice

Our own 24/7 Help line where you can gain advice from our friendly councilors

Please do not hesitate to contact them , they are there becuse of persons just like yourself.

You know you are welcome here anytime .

Croix

[Jaybird77]

Hello Croix

I didn’t think I would actually get a reply and so I didn’t come back to look. But I had indeed and you were it and you ate absolutely a beautiful soul. You are an incredible human being to reach out to a complete stranger and try and pick them up from their lowest. I so very much appreciate you , and I can’t thank you enough to say those lovely words to me 🙏❤️🙏

i am

also quite embarrast that I posted and wish I hadn’t now because I poured myself out into a strange place where I knew no one and all got to read my weak point and I am still very alone. 

But you responded and for that you are a earth angel that came to me 😇

I haven’t gotten any help yet , I know

i desperately need it but I just have no enthusiasm to do it. I really do feel so numb to life. I want to be here and feel I’m been made to. I hate living and I don’t feel any excitement doing it. Not sure how long I can linger this way but I’m still here. 

you are an angel and Inhope you are told this everyday 

[bb2005]

Good morning sister, if it helps at all I can not only concur with everything lovely Croix said but also mention that you're so brave to have shared your story on this forum. Hearing you feel welcome and right at home here warmed my heart and made my morning today. You've been through unimaginable tragedy in your life and your concerns are so valid. Please don't beat yourself up if you find it difficult to be kind to yourself. It's so understandable and you're never alone. Love and kind thoughts from Brandon.

[Jaybird77]

bb2005  Awwww darling thank you so very much to I made your morning ❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️

I know I need help but can’t afford a psychiatrist. 

I don’t exactly know what’s wrong with me. But whatever it is is ruining my life , it’s ruined me completely and I know I’m only just really existing now. I’m not living anymore. But for my children I get up and live another day. Sometimes I do think they may have a better life if I’m not tagging along with them and no will wil agree with that but it’s how I feel . 

Today we got the news that one of my son in-laws killers put in a appeal to get out of jail earlier and they are going to walk free after only doing 5 years of a 18 years sentence . It’s unfair it’s so unfair . There is no laws in Australia , no real punishments. This person was sentenced and is now got a record with murder of the first degree next to their name but they only had to do 5 years in jail for it. They got to do a psychology degree for free and and a teaching degree and treated like they did nothing wrong . I’m so angry

This inhumane beast killed my granddaughters daddy. The youngest has no mementoes of him because she was only 1 years old when he was taking from her. And the older one she was only 2 and a half and his little princess and she too grows up without him now. Where is their justice 😰 

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Jaybird77,

A very warm welcome to the forum.

Please don’t feel ashamed of posting your story here. I would like to join others in reassuring you that what you did was actually a bravery. It takes guts and courage to talk about such traumatic personal events in such an honest way. 
You are one brave and strong woman, incredibly resilient.

Thank you for joining our community.