Not in a great state right now..

[harmonyx]

Hiya, I'm Harmony. I'm almost going to be 16 soon.

I have been quite depressed for 3 years now due to really bad bullying from those 3 years. My parents do know about the bullying, but I only came out about the depression around a month ago, as it was getting too much and it's really starting to affect my schooling.

To be very honest, I often say to myself 'I don't feel like living today'. I find it quite hard to get out of bed, as I see no point in going to school or making friends, but I have to because life needs me to. Life just seems really, really hard. I have isolated myself from my family, as 85% of the time I'm in my room. I don't have the highest opinion of myself, and my self-esteem is quite low. I often eat a lot (especially sweets) and I feel like a burden to my family because I'm now not performing well as I used to at school. I feel like a failure. I have many coping/escapism methods. The big two are video games and the internet. I know they aren't going to be good in the long run, but it keeps my mind off thinking about myself. Or should I say, it gives me a break from my head.

Another one is making others happy, as I don't see the reason to be sad if everyone else is happy, and seeing others be happy should make you happy. I guess being a happy, cheery individual who tries to make others happy. But it's just an act I put up for many friends and family. I feel awful and small.

I have talked to counselors at school, who did talk to my parents. However, it seems that this stuff is not really in my parent's priorities right now. My parents say they're going to take me to a doctor, but that was almost 3 weeks ago. And as I see it, it just seems they're pushing it to the side because they claim 'well, you look fine when you're on the internet' and stuff. When I can't even get out of bed because of this, they accuse me of taking advantage of my feelings to not do anything or help out or even being manipulative. They accuse me of laziness when I don't have the best grades or bringing assessments because I'm literarily scared of the people at school to even go. They complain that I don't open up to them, but that's because they're pressuring me to talk instead of waiting until I'm comfortable.

All I ask is to give me advice.I don't really have any friends or close family members right now. It would help me.

Thanks for reading my story

[white knight]

Hi harmony, welcome

Well you write very well and your attitude is remarkably positive considering your depression. Its a great gift to want to make others laugh. To be considerate of others feelings....thats cool.

Continue to ask your parents to take you to the doctor. Have a list of things on paper to tell him of your lack of motivation

Can you report the bullying to your school principle?

Here is a few threads. If you like just read the first post of each thread. Use google

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue

Topic: bullying- beyondblue

Thankyou for posting. You are brave and sensible.

Tony WK

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

When life seems too hard and not worth it, consider that it can change. When you were a baby, all you knew of the world was a cot, and a few toys, and a few mushed up foods, and a few people. And then you grew up and learned that the world is much bigger than that. That's the state we're always in. The world is bigger than it seems right now. That goes for the bullies, and school, and not having any friends, and feeling bad about certain things. When you were 2, I bet you got extremely upset when you didn't get the toy you wanted. It felt like the end of the world. There are more people and interests and goals in the future, that aren't even on your radar yet. So try to remember that, in times when it seems like life is only what it is right now.

So it seems like you already have noticed some things about yourself. The things you do when you feel bad. That's good. Now when you notice yourself doing those things, you can switch tracks. I often have to do this when I notice I'm isolating myself; force myself to go out and talk to people, because I know isolating myself makes things worse, but being social tends to work out fun even if I didn't want to go in the first place.

What do the bullies do? If it gets physical (or just if that's something you worry about), you can take up some self-defense to make yourself better able to deal with it. Like having an umbrella, it's not that the rain goes away, but you can get through the day better.