Normally have depression under control, but so many life events are happening at once and having trouble...

[BCWallaroo]

It's been a very very bad week: taxes are due and I know I will owe a huge amout to pay things off...I feel like an idiot, I am so lucky to get money and I try so hard to save, but with rent, bills and groceries it all added up...plus, I paid for a course and a holiday (not even a really big one)... I started smoking again, after not smoking for years. I'm doing a vet nursing course that I really enjoy, with it I need to work or volunteer at a real clinic to gain exerpience...since I'm too old (here you have to be paid over a min wage after a certain age), nobody wants to hire me as a beginner , so I only get volunteer positions (it sucks so bad: I see younger nurses starting out the same course, with no experience and I already have so much more to offer).
Not to mention its an online course, and even though I keep up with studying and work hard because I love it, the pratical side makes me so nervous as I am only allowed to volunteer once a day (I already asked for more days but they can't offer. I already changed over from another 2 clinics because one I wasn't even allowed to watch surgeries and wait 4 hours and do nothing, the other the manager told me she didn't want me to do anything anymore because she wanted the work to be saved to train the people she is newly hiring). Tomorrow I volunteer and so nervous when they ask me to do practical stuff again and fail...
I feel so lonely an frustrated, my partner is happy and comes home from work and talks about his day, but its gotten to hte point he has had enough of listening to me and doesn't know how to cheer me up (or he has problems of his own getting used to night shift work again)...
I have been trying so hard for the last few weeks to find a job, nothing I am qualified for with just 2 years customer service experience that not a younger, cheaper kid can do...and then I have a bachelor degree of arts which I can't seem to get into with anything because my art isn't good enough (I tried so hard getting into graphic design, I just don't "get" the commercial side of things, the vector art...mine is all hand drawn and "messy"...)... I'm starting to loose hope. I prayed for the first time in years, wishing I could finally find something i was good at and make a living out of, and that my partner gets used to his night shift easily and keep up his good health...I don't know what to do, I feel stuck.

[WhiteBear]

Hi BCWallaroo,

Firstly I would like to know is whether anything at all happened during the week that was good? In other words, was there anything you can find to be grateful for? Ultimately, it's what you choose to focus on. We have to make the conscious decision to choose to focus on something good, especially when life is a real struggle. It’s all about perspective. I know that’s what clinically ill people have to do. They focus on another day to spend time with their family, A beautiful sunrise. There is so much to be grateful for. We get so use to those things just being around, we forget how amazing they really are.

I hope this helps you during this tough time.

WB

[BCWallaroo]

Thank you for the reply.

Well I am grateful for a lot of things: my partner, my sister, my cats...it's just that everything I worry about makes it hard because they can result in me loosing all of them...

My partner will be under pressure, my sister lives overseas and is barely surviving on her own with her family and my cats would have to be given up (my cat couldn't survive, she hates everyone except me)...it's gotten really hard to see anything positive especially it just seems everytime I try to get good at something, I mess it up or its never good enough and in this day and age, taking to learn to new things is a serious hazard...

[BCWallaroo]

I kind of realized that nobody wants to touch this, but I understand, you guys take care of yourselves and I hope you're not/never go through what I am/have x

[MidnightFox]

Hi

take heart, people do read the posts and sometimes it’s hard to know what to say. I hear you. Perhaps start with a check up with your doctor and see what help and supports you may be able to access.

Best wishes

[BCWallaroo]

Thank you, I'm sorry I lashed out like that and I sincerely hope I didn't get anyone worked up or make anyone feel worse or anything, I wasn't myself and nobody on here deserved that.

I have gone to the doctor today and will start my first dose in medication again to see how that goes. I think I just needed to finally face up that I needed help.

[Ebi]

Hey BCWallaroo,

I wanted to respond after your previous post but it felt hard to know what to say... I'm sorry more people didn't jump into your thread. That happened to me too...so I started joining in on others. I'm glad you've reached out to your doctor and hopefully starting down a path the recovery and greater wellbeing.

Take care, Ebi