No one to lean on

[nat1563]

I’m 40 years old and I’m just not happy in my life , I have a  husband and 3 children but I feel like I’m just existing,  my husband works hard and helps at home but if we are not intimate on his request he won’t talk to me for days or weeks , even when that’s not the case he barely says hello or goodbye to me when he leaves or comes home from work .

my kids are horrible to me , I know as teens they are going through their own things but they literally never speak nicely to me unless they want something, I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells day in and out , I can’t speak without being called names or yelled at .

I only have 1 friend, she is great but has a busy life of her own with 2 teens and 2 babies , i feel she is the only one I can talk to but I feel like such a burden to her , she has so much on her plate she doesn’t need to deal with my problems..

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t remember the last time I was actually happy ! 
I hate my life and wish I could just walk away but I love my kids and husband and could never do that to them , but how do I live in the constant sad state I’m in . 
feeling lonely stupid and ignored 

[Sophie_M]

Hello, Nat1563 and welcome to our forum. I'm so sorry to thear that you are feeling this way. I'm sure that you will feel a lot of community support here for you. If you need other support, please head to our chats or our phone service 1300 224 636. We all deserve to feel safe, valued and welcome in our own homes.

Sophie M

[AbsoluteAe]

Hi Nat1563,

First off 🤗

That sounds like an uphill journey, it’s ok to take a seat for a few minutes.  There’s a lot of unknowns and I’ll avoid making assumptions, but the one thing that is clear is that it would be good to do something that’s just for you, whatever that may be, e.g. go have a nice lunch somewhere every now and then.

Sounds like your husband is going through a few things and that you are there is all you need to do, nothing more.  Teens are rough, but hopefully they are growing well and will respond in kind with time.

Regarding friends, there’s  a world of people out there, seems common to struggle to find more friends regardless of circumstances.  Have no doubt that there are people that would accept you.

You are definitely not stupid, any name calling or yelling comes from the limitations of others rather than you.

May be parts of you are being ignored but that’s also not a sign of who you are, only the circumstances and period  of time, things change.

[therising]

Hi Nat

It can definitely be hard when coming to manage the questionable behaviour of others. When there are lots of questions but very few answers it can become so upsetting and even depressing at times. I feel for you so much as you face such a sad and deeply challenging time in your life.

As a 52yo married gal with a 17yo son and 20yo daughter, I can relate to living with the questionable behaviour of others. Btw, I'm no angel to live with. In working on ways to manage the ins and outs of depression over the years, I've come to be what I'd proudly label as 'more challenging' in recent times. I'll challenge just about anyone with disrespectful, inconsiderate, depressing, anxiety inducing, intensely self serving or neglectful behaviour, amongst other things. Of course being more confronting gets you labelled on occasion. I've found it becomes about wearing those labels as badges of honour (while honouring yourself) as opposed to wearing them as depressing labels, which I used to do. Might sound like 'Why are you being such a b**ch?!', 'You're so mean', 'Why are you being so difficult?', Why do you have to be so challenging?' and the list goes on. I smile when I say it's an honour to be labelled as a difficult mean challenging b**ch at times. Hope I got a bit of a smile out of you 😁

Intimacy's an interesting one. What it means to one person may be something altogether different for another. Whether it's a gentle loving bonding exercise or a form of stress release or a way to generate some intense energy/excitement within a somewhat unfulfilling life, being on the same page helps. Whether it's something we come to dread or something we look forward to, that's another thing. Whether it's something in need of more imagination, to spice things up, that's another factor. No matter what, I think good communication makes a big difference when it comes to what we're trying to gain or give or share through intimacy.

Kids, yes, they're a challenging kettle of fish. I was a challenging one myself back in the day. Looking back, I can't believe my mother never kicked me out of the house. I mention my mother because my dad never wanted to deal with the challenging nature of his kids. He left the hard stuff up to my mum while figuring he deserved a break from going out to work. Problem with this way of thinking is it creates a sense of loneliness for a mum, her being the problem solver on her own in a lot of cases. My husband's very similar, so I can relate to how my mum felt. While you can appreciate all the hard work your partner does when it comes to creating a sense of ease through financial opportunities, the dis-ease that comes about at home can be enough to make you sick at times. In it's non physical form, dis-ease can sound like 'I'm sick of problem solving on my own', 'I'm sick of being treated like garbage' etc. Throw a 'because' in there and it becomes 'I'm sick because of problem solving on my own', 'I'm sick because of being treated like garbage' etc. When other people's behaviour becomes sickening to some degree (stressful, depressing, stomach churning etc), you know you've got a problem.

Am a big believer in there being so many different facets to who we are. I've found bringing the wonderer in me to life more often helps solve some legitimate problems or questions. 'I can't help but wonder what leads you to be so self serving' or 'I can't help but wonder what leads you to be so emotionally disconnected when it comes to how I feel' etc, can lead to an open form of questioning the things we can be so desperate to have answers to. When looking for answers, never accept from someone 'I don't know' when greater consciousness is the goal. Revelations light the way forward.

[geoff]

Hello Nat, being intimate needs for both people to agree, it should not be forced on you and if this happens, then there's a problem with the relationship, especially if he barely says hello or good-bye.

Even if you do walk away, this isn't going to take away the love you have for your family and eventually they will begin to realise all the work you do behind the scenes, may be this is an option you need to consider.

There's an old saying 'you scratch my back and I'll do the same to you, in other words it goes both ways.

Let them want you to come back in a civil way and start appreciating all the work you do, and there is no harm to do this.

Geoff.

Life Member.