New user dealing with depression

[Boxer123]

I am a high-functioning alcoholic and recovering drug addict with recurrent depression issues who has so far largely refused help from medical professionals.

About five years ago after nearly 15-years off hard drugs I relapsed and began using heroin again to cope with the stresses of work, where I was expected to do two peoples’ jobs while being gas-lighted and undermined by an incompetent boss. Because I was making good money (six figures) I was able to cultivate a substantial addiction in a very short period of time, all the while continuing my heavy drinking which had been a constant throughout my life.

After repeated attempts to kill off my heroin habit over the next three years, I finally relented and sought medical advice. I was put on the methadone program for the next two years.

Three months ago I quit methadone cold turkey – not an easy thing to do due to its long half-life. Initially I felt much better after the 10-day sickness passed, but for the past couple of months I have been crushed by periods of crippling depression. Sometimes I have been able to manage this by drinking, but just as often I can’t get out of bed for days at a time and have zero appetite – in the past three days I’ve eaten just one banana.

I desperately want to get over this sickness but am struggling to see a clear way through. I thought killing off the methadone would help, but now I’m just swamped with dark thoughts that simply won’t leave.

Not even sure why I’m posting this here, it just feels like something I need to share with someone, somewhere.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Boxer123,

Great to see you reaching out on the Beyond Blue forum. You are not alone. You will find this as you move through the forum reviewing other posts. On this forum we can't give specific medication related advise. I can however encourage you to visit your GP and discuss some of the symptoms you are experiencing. There is a phenomenon called Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome that some people experience after detoxing from drugs that you might have a read about as well.

Having dark thoughts is quite common but when the don't leave as you have indicated, it can be troublesome and can get worse. I always encourage people to get support sooner than later. The sooner you get support, generally, treatment can come more quickly.

If you visit a GP they may do a physical health review which is always important to keep up to date. They will likely discuss treatment options for the symptoms your experiencing. Sometimes it could be a referral to talk to a therapist of some kind or it may be finding support in other areas such as group therapy or Mindfulness. By finding a health professional who is looking out for your optimal health, you can start to find deeper healing.

If you are needing support now, talking on the phone to a Beyond Blue support line operator can be really helpful. They are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and can often give you some perspective on whats going on for you and give you a boost so you find energy to go see a GP or seek other healing avenues you may be considering.

I am so glad you have shared your story as you have gone through so much and come so far. Perhaps it is that you are nearing the peak to finding your optimal health and healing and that you just need a bit more of a push of support to get you to the top. You are not alone in your struggle to get there and I encourage you to use the forum as often as you need whether just observing or posting. And if you ever need more help, don't hesitate to call the support line.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[Boxer123]

Thanks for the detailed reply, Nurse Jenn.

Yes, I have done some research on Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. That could be part of the problem, or it might be more to do with the fact I've never dealt with the underlying reasons for my substance abuse issues & recurrent depression. I really don't know.

I'm currently living in a small country town right now (my hometown, in fact, where many of my family still live) so I'm finding it difficult to get the guts up to go and see a GP. I understand the Hippocratic oath of course, but I guess there's an underlying sense of distrust within me too. As far as I can tell, there are no counselors or psychologists in town either; the nearest seem to be about 100km away.

I guess I'm just so used to trying to work through these issues on my own I find it difficult to trust other people, even medical professionals.

Thanks again for your feedback, Jenn.