new poster - feeling depressed - again - help get my head straight

[sugarglider]

Hi - I have spent the day feeling very sad and crying and eating ice cream to feel better. My housemate is moving out after 3+ years here - on great terms - just time for her get on with her life somewhere else. I will miss her and her arrival and presence has been very important for me.

She moved in 3 months after my husband of 20 years surprisingly abandoned me (no warning, just "i'm off" and literally walked off not to be seen / heard from again/ refusing to talk). I was in the grieving cycle and she moved in. A lovely role model of working hard, fit and healthy, nicely groomed and dressed etc. Shared life stories, shared meals, shared our lives for 3 years. I described her as Mary Poppins.

It is totally normal to feel sad about such a situation. Although it triggers all the life / family issues. I have had several bouts of clinical depression in my life, grew up with a mother with schizophrenia, my father has admitted that they didn't have the resources to look after me and they thought I was smart, so they left me to my own devices without any guidance. abusive, jealous older sister with whom I now do not have a relationship. She was the one who constantly criticised everything / degraded / minimised everything - told me I was wrong. Still does now.

I have read ALL of the books. years of therapy. been on anti-depressants. I know about neurology, exercise, diet, meditation, psychology. and here I am again. 54. alone. the pandemic put my job at threat and cut my pay by 50%. after my divorce cost $ and left me with a mortgage. Can't afford retirement. I feel tired, tense, nothing is good enough, no matter what I try - no nice endings so why start, .... all those things

so I came here - to try and help myself. I intellectually know that I am not being abandoned again. I'm not even sure what I am asking here? How do I help my neurology to stop freaking out with the old childhood beliefs and act like the world is coming to an end again? I so tired of living 50 years in this space.

[smallwolf]

hi sugarglider and welcome to beyond blue. Perhaps rather than a feeling of abandonment, it is one of loss. For a long time there was a companion to talk to. It does not make the feeling any better. We are a product of our experiences. And for you, it sounds like it was struggle with family issues. My issues are very different to yours, but happened when I was a teen as I (we) are finding ourselves and had a great impact on ....

Maybe in coming here you were able to get these thoughts out of your head and onto paper. I can get thousands of thoughts spinning around in my head and cannot get rid of it. And when I write it down somewhere it may only a few thoughts. With luck, I may be able to find a way around the issues.

I guess that finding way of distracting or other coping techniques. I used to have an app on my phone I think was called "worry time" - I could write something into that app, and then try not to get stuck in that thought. There was a time of day then I could "worry" about the things I had written down.

There are other ways also.

Please note this is also a safe environment so if you want to post again ...

Tim

[sugarglider]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and guidance. And I appreciate how compassionate it was. Your suggestion re: loss makes sense to me. I am losing a friendship that is important to me and I am losing one element of my security re: companionship and finances.

Your suggestion to use this page to journal / log my thinking would help. slow down the rumination and externalise the random inner dialogue that is ramping up the reactivity. And frankly - writing here removes the alone feeling.

had a shocker of a night sleep wise. Having a few physical symptoms I only get when in high alert state. Maybe it was from the unusual eating of sugar / comfort eating last night.

I am off to have a lunch with a friend now. I will have a chat with her too.

I will check in with myself late today and log my thoughts again.

thanks

[smallwolf]

Thank you for your kind words.

Hope you have a good lunch and conversation with your friend.

On sleep, and this was/is my story. I typically went to sleep with thing about work on my mind. And i would wake in the night thinking about the same issues. I have to empty my mind of thoughts and I have an app (relax melodies) and reading can help there also. I can pretend I am somewhere else with the sounds I hear. That and not drinking coffee after 4. For me, spicy foods are no good either.

What sort of things to do you like to do?

As the Covid restrictions ease, maybe there are some groups you could look at joining. It not quite the same thing as having someone at home. Perhaps you already do something like this.

[sugarglider]

It's sunday morning and I am feeling tentative, a bit nauseous, physically feel very heavy and as if my corpuscles are stodgy and moving slowly.

Every day I will do a guided meditation - just 15 - 30 mins - the last two days I have fallen asleep very quickly. that's ok - tells me where my body is at.

Visiting my friends for a couple of hours yesterday was great. We played mahjong and had lunch. I told them about my sadness over the house mate. whilst pleasant, their reaction was less "how do you feel" and more "what are you going to do to get another house mate?".

I think the comfort eating is also affecting my sleep. I did the F&V shopping yesterday and have to commit myself to some simple cooking rather than fast eating. easier said than done. When I feel overwhelmed and need comforting sugary food brings fast relief - addictive drug - I drove through the McDonald's after the F&V shopping. I signed up for Noom to track my eating but haven't actually used it.

All things seem hard ATM. with the lack of energetic brain waves, I had decided to do some simple housework. If I am going to avoid all the real work, at least do something semi-productive.

I can see my past pattern - I have a long long list of things I believe MUST be done - and that I am behind with them all. I can see that thinking re-emerging. I then live with both Damocles Sword and Sisyphus - constantly pushing and all that happens is, not success, but the sword drops.

my intellect immediately challenges that and says : yes - she is moving out - celebrate 3 great years and all she taught and helped get through the grief. Yes - workload can be huge / deadline tight sometimes - celebrate happy clients generating more work. All things don't have to be done right now. Yes I am using some stuffs to avoid doing the hard work - get SOME hard work done and then have a break with SOME easy stuffs. I don't have to believe all the emotions and all the inner dialogue. It's just old patterns.

BTW: I do belong to 2 volunteer organisations - where I have turned down the tap due to work busyness. But I attempt to maintain contact / friends - thus the mahjong ladies yesterday.

occasionally I need some contact more in-depth.

Logging today has been useful. I feel more balanced now. more accepting. let's see how today goes.

[smallwolf]

Your friends likely looked at the flatmate leaving as a logical problem requiring a solution.

Do your friends know of your thoughts and feelings with your flatmate leaving?

[sugarglider]

yes - I actually said I had experienced a tough day on Friday - that I felt sad. I think most people are wary about diving into the emotional side of a situation - going practical is the diplomatic safe thing to do. This is part of the loneliness element. very pleasant people abound but there are always boundaries on conversations. this is where I miss having a partner or a best friend - someone with whom anything can be discussed.

I told a couple of work colleagues at Friday pm zoom drinks - they were more adept at handling emotions, but one very quickly broke out his own story of never having lived in a share situation and changed the conversation.

so it is Sunday night and I had a quiet day - did the housework as planned. relaxed and stayed calm. I am going to do some meditation and go to sleep.

thank you for tracking me and asking questions. I appreciate having someone respond. I also appreciate your skill and courtesy, caring tone.

[smallwolf]

I have only been the other party - so to speak. My brother and I lived in a flat for sometime while at uni. I was going to get married so left to stay with my soon to be wife. I know it did not take my brother long to find another flat mate but I think he also advertised around uni as well. The unit was in a fairly good location.

Can you tell me some of the things you discussed with your flatmate? Or with new flat mate?

(I already know you play mahjong.)

Tim

[sugarglider]

that's a nice situation for you - to live with your brother (siblings - can be good and can be eerrghh) and then to become married. that's really cool.

There is a practical element to "just find another person". possible but a good match is not quite so easy. And not so easy at 54 when there are many many people looking who are in their twenties. But I reckon there will be someone out there. Takes a bit more time.

re- conversations with existing / soon to be ex housemate: I thought about your question and so many major events - just from her! Over the 3 years I have watched her go through: breaking up with her boyfriend, putting her mother w dementia into a nursing home, selling the mother's /family home, winning an award from her job, changing jobs, winning another award in new job, having a waterbomber plane dump water onto her non-burning house down the south coast and cause extensive damage and causing her cat to run away, and in the same week - her car engine seized up and she had to buy a new car, eventually having her cat die, her daughter broke her leg, joining philosophy weekly class and discussing topics with me. etc etc We have discussed some of my issues - my changing jobs, menopause symptoms, my divorce process / grief. We both did gardening, cooking and looking after my cats together etc. Either of us could come home from work and safely 'vent' about the day or share fun news. It was a very relaxed and sharing relationship.

so - I am becoming more pragmatic about my situation. I deliberately turned off from work on the weekend. Now I am feeling more productive / more functional. I am noticing the sugar cravings still - but holding those at bay. taking more care with my eating. taking care about what I am watching on social media and TV. taking a lot of deep breaths. Where last Thurs/ Friday I felt overwhelmed by everything, today I am just working through a list - on at a time. I am reframing my negative inner dialogue.

still going - thank you for the questions and prompts.