Alone, lost and endless emptiness

[Cavan]

Hello

i haven’t posted before and don’t know if this is the right online forum to share these thoughts and feelings... so apologies in advance if I should be on another one!

i was married for 11 years to a wonderful man and have two beautiful children. We recently separated. It was my decision in the end but in reality I feel he stopped loving me long before that.
I developed post natal depression after the birth of my first child. And depression has been my constant companion ever since. I take medication. Which sometimes works ie I don’t feel rock bottom and other times I wonder if I’m on a plesibo.
I have lived alone now for 9 months and have shared cared of our children. I work in a highly stressful job which consumes at least 50 hours of actual work and same again in stress and mental gymnastics.
I have complicated work relationships with my work colleagues - due mostly I think if I’m being honest to my constant mood swings. I take my loneliness, disappointment and anger out on them. Which I get angry with myself for. Had one such week last week and Friday was the worst where I left the office in tears.
then a full melt down about all the things in my life that were wrong or missing.
I don’t have many friends. Over the years they have all withdrawn and pulled away. Most recently two of the friendships I valued the most cut me off.
When I don’t have the kids I can go from Friday to Monday not talking to another person. Locked in my head. And while my work is so intense that I crave rest and downtime when I get it it just feels like an endless gaping hole.
I started seeing someone that I fell hard for during the breakup of my marriage. His marriage broke up too. Long story but it’s been complicated. We broke up 6 months after it started cause he just didn’t want a relationship (or one with me I don’t know...). Since then because we’ve been friends we’ve drifted into this friends and sex thing. It sounds superficial maybe but it’s not. There are real feelings. He says he “doesn’t want to raise my expectations” whenever I bring up a possible future. I see him once a fortnight and it’s all he wants.
I tried online dating. But it ended in a situation I don’t really want to say but it left me feeling shame and self loathing.
im so incredibly lonely and so empty. I don’t know how to get out of this hole. I’m going back to my doctor cause maybe i need medication reviewed.
I don’t have a question. Wanted to know people are out there. And I’m not alone

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Cavan,

Welcome to the forum. The forum is a safe place to share and express yourself and even if you placed your post in a different area, you will find support here.

It sounds like your companion depression aka 'The Black Dog, has not been very good company. I wonder if you have ever looked at this video about the black dog (aka depression). https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc

You are taking some really positive steps such as reaching out here on the forum and making an appointment with your GP. These are brave steps towards your own healing. Having a stressful job like you describe sounds hectic as well as working though a separation and shared care with kids etc. I wonder if you have sat down and had some time to focus on you? Spending some time looking after your health and taking care of your mental health is so important. Do you have any hobbies or activities that make you feel good....like walking? swimming? eating ice cream? etc?

I also wonder if you have seen a counsellor or psychologist in the past? Sometimes having someone to talk to regularly can really help you get out of that hole you are feeling stuck in. Even if it is in the moment, calling a support line can really supportive. Talking about your feelings in the moment of pain can often find some relief especially when you are feeling a bit disconnected from your friends at the moment. You could try to ring 1300 22 4636, The Beyond Blue Support Line while you are waiting to get an appointment with your GP.

If talking here helps, keep on sharing if you feel comfortable doing so. You are not alone.
We are listening.

Sending your strength,

Nurse Jenn

[Leisa68]

Hi Cavan

I'm glad you have posted what is happening to you, you are definitely not alone in that factor. I'm sorry about your recent breakup and your current relationship worries. This alone must be taking a toll on you.

Like you, I had postnatal depression as well. It was horrible, difficult for others to understand and made me trapped in my head too. I am too on medication which mostly serves me well, but there are days and months I wonder if I am any better than when I was with postnatal depression. My relationship has suffered terribly and is undergoing another strain with me falling for someone else. (It's definitely one-sided).

I just wanted to let you know there are a lot of us out there. You are not a bad person out there all alone. You are a single mum who needs support and help to get through what you need to at the moment. I get my medication tweaked and checked regularly.

I also wanted to let you know there is a light at the end of the long tunnel. Despite this recent upheaval, (I am seeing a counsellor and my usual GP), I am feeling okay recently.

Take care of yourself and kind Regards

Leisa68