Dear Irish Ebony
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. So pleased you found your way here and I hope you continue to post and tell us about your journey.
Tony WK has made some great suggestions which are worthwhile following up. Be assured antidepressants will not change your essential personality. Hopefully you will start to feel better and more like the self you were before depression.
Self healing does not work often. It's a lovely thought. The drawback is having depression. The Black Dog messes with our brains telling us all sorts of untruths. The feelings and thoughts you have described are part of that brain messing by the Black Dog. Trying to be happy when you feel dreadful will never work. Imagine working when you have the 'flu. It's not a good example because people do struggle to work when they are unwell, but we all know they would recover more quickly and more effectively if they spent a couple of days in bed.
If you cannot manage to make an appointment with your GP, ask you partner to do it, and ask for a long appointment. Write down all the feelings you have been experiencing before you go to the GP. That way you will not forget anything you want to say. It will help you clarify what is happening.
Explore the tabs at the top of the page and read up about depression. The more informed you are the easier it is to talk about your illness. It's also good to understand that you are not alone in having depression. Ask BB to send copies of whatever you want and include information for your partner.
There is a very good book called Living With It by Bev Aisbett. In the book "It" is anxiety, but the situations described apply equally to depression. It's a thin book filled with line drawings which made me smile but did not detract from the message. The light touch makes it easy to read.
Feeling scared about discussing your mental health is normal. The world has so many hangups about mental illness that it is a wonder anyone gets help. I have been seeing a psychologist for about 18 months. He now wants me to go to another psych with expertise in domestic violence. This is making me very nervous as I do not want to go through this again. Still looking for the courage. It's always easier to encourage someone else to do something than to do it yourself (smile).
So go to your GP and read your list, or give it to the doctor to read, and be as open and informative as possible. Take your partner if it makes you feel more comfortable.
Write in again.
Mary
