Need help I don’t know what to do

[Jazzy12]

Hi

not sure if this is the right place but I need some advice so here it goes I’m only 28 years old have a hubby but no children yet my problem is I live in a house of 7 my parents and sisters and two babies who belong to my 18 year old sister me and my hubby are literally paying for everything no one helps mum works and dad collects center link my sisters are lazy as shit I really want my own house but I know they will struggle if we move out they never offer us anything always the same old story I really feel use right now by my family how do I even start a conversation with them. My dad is big headed and he’s a it’s his way or the high way kinda guy I’m just real sick of it now had enough I feel like I can’t live my own life I feel like they depend on me to much how can I break the cycle once and for all

thank you for listening

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Jazzy,

I hope it’s okay if I offer a caring welcome to the forums 🙂

I feel for you. Just reading your words, I could feel the enormous stress and pressure you (and your husband) must be under. It must be taking a huge toll on both of you.

I think it’s such a difficult situation because, on the one hand, you’re clearly a wonderfully caring person and want to help your family. But on the other hand, it’s all a bit too much and it’s not fair on you to have to be the family’s “rock” all the time.

Your dad sounds like someone who is really difficult to communicate with. I wonder if you told him that you would like to speak to him but give him advanced notice (e.g. tell him that you would like to have an important conversation with him in a week’s time) because maybe that would give him time to mentally prepare so hopefully he is less emotionally volatile. Granted, I’m not sure if this would work...

Otherwise, could you maybe start by communicating your needs and asking for help from family members who might be easier to talk to than your dad i.e. start with the person you feel will be the most receptive then move on to the next most receptive, etc, etc? That way, you ease into the whole communication process. It’s just a suggestion but you don’t have to take it on board unless you want to...

I hope we hear from you again. I feel there are many kind forum members who would be happy to hear you out.

Warm thoughts,

Pepper

[Birdy77]

Hi Jazzy,

It's great you've found your way here for a bit of support, I am joining Pepper to say hi and welcome.

Your situation sounds very frustrating and difficult on a daily basis.

You said if you move out, your family would struggle, and that would feel hard for you because you are a caring person. But in the end, you are not responsible for them, you have a husband and have decided to make a life together, so your priority is you and him now.

If it were me, I'd be starting to make it known that you are considering moving out because it's just not working for you and your husband anymore. As Pepper suggested, it might be best to start with the family member you feel most connected to.

If they hear that and start thinking/saying "but what about us, we can't afford it here without you" ( or whatever the struggle will be), then you can say something like "alright, but things have got to change around here, it can't keep going like this..." and outline the changes that you think would be fair, e.g. your sisters start helping out, you and hubby don't pay for everything anymore ... then maybe you could say if they're willing to change some things, you will give it a two month trial, see how things are, and if not better, you're moving.

This is just an idea.

But the way you are living now is not fair at all and this time should be about what's best for you and your husband. You can still be a good support for your family, but the way it is now is unsustainable.

As Pepper said, we are here to listen and support you. Hope to hear more from you again.

🌻birdy

[Allan533]

Jazzy, that sounds like a really hard situation to be in. If you stay you're having to work incredibly hard to support people who don't seem to be doing anything to help themselves. But if you leave, then you're going to feel like you're abandoning them.

I say "feel like" because that's what it is, a feeling, an impression, a thought. Which doesn't mean it's invalid, but it certainly doesn't mean it's true.

Think of it this way. There is someone with a broken leg. You obviously want to help support them, right? Which is good and caring. But when you're on the way to the emergency room (in this hypothetical, you're both on foot), they want to drop by their house to grab some books or medicine or whatever. OK, reasonable so far - emergency rooms can be boring, or maybe they need their medicine. Then they need to check on their neighbours, because of a promise they made. OK, bit less urgent, but it's right there, after all. Then they need to do this other thing, then another. At some point, it's reasonable for you to say "look, I'm happy to help, but I'm not a replacement leg. You need to go get some help which will allow you to do your stuff by yourself", right? It's not expected for you to literally carry this person around indefinitely. If nothing else, there's other people out there with broken legs who can't get to the emergency room who you could be helping instead.

[Jazzy12]

Thank you birdy for your kind words they have given me a reality check this morning and I finally feel what is right and what I have to do I got to put me and my husband first thank you

[Jazzy12]

Thank you pepper what you said is exactly what I needed to hear appreciate it very much

[Jazzy12]

Love it such a perfect example. It does feel like everyone is using me and I’m just letting them they are walking all over my caring and kindness thank you appreciate your time 😊