My loved ones will never recover

[MignightBlue]

Hi everyone,

I’ve had some mental health issues for a while. In high school I used to self harm and was close to suicide. I’m 42 and still want to die. Things are really bad this year and I am so close with going through with it but my partner and mother are the only things keeping me alive. I know my death would ruin their lives. They wouldn’t get over it. I feel though I’m sacrificing my “freedom” and putting them before me.
Yesterday I was so close to doing it. Next week I find out if I still have a job but at this stage, I really don’t care. I‘ve done the best with my life but it’s time to go. In a previous attempt my note said I love them and to get over it (only my partner knows about that attempt) but I feel like I want to tell them what I feel before I go as a courtesy and to say I love them.

I can’t ask them for help either, it’ll hurt them so I just feel even worse. Yesterday I wanted someone to take me to some mental health unit so they will understand my problems and it won’t come as a shock.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, here on the couch crying and what this will accomplish. Once they die or If we become estranged I’ll definitely do it but life is such a struggle and I’m ready to hang up my boots. There will become a point however when I can no longer place their happiness above mine. It will be sad but I just wasn’t meant to live this life.

FYI, I have tried therapy, medication, etc but nothing works. One day it will get so bad I’ll have to go ahead but to hurt them like that is so cruel.

I am just lost, confused and unhappy.

sorry, I think I just needed to write this down rather than ask for help as I’m beyond that.

MC

[Sophie_M]

Dear MC,

We are so sorry to hear how much pain you're in right now. It must be excruciating. We think this may be an emergency. If you're at immediate risk of harming yourself, please know this is a legitimate emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

Our support service is trying to reach you by email as we are so worried about you.

We also strongly recommend you call our friends at the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Thank you for taking such a brave first step and sharing these troubling thoughts with us here today. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have. Please know you've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where users give and receive support to each other based on their own, often very similar to yours, personal experiences with mental health. We're here to privide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel like it.

[Ggrand]

Dear MignightBlue..

Welcome to the forums..

I’m deeply sorry that your feeling so much hurt and pain and struggling so much with your mental health...

Writing here is so brave and hard to do..We are so pleased that you’ve come to the safety of these forums...

Please MignightBlue....You’re very important to your mother and partner, and I’m concerned about you..

Is it possible for you to speak openly to your GP about your thoughts and how you’re feeling...also if you talk about you feel the need in going into a mental health facility...You’re GP might be able to get you admitted for a few days/weeks until you’re feeling better within yourself..if that’s what you feel you need to do...

I know you said that you can’t talk to your mum and partner as it will hurt them ...Oh sweety...it will hurt them more if you didn’t talk them..I’m sure they love you deeply and once they know the extent of your thoughts and mh they will be in a better place to help you...If you don’t let them know how your feeling..they’ll never know...Please try as hard as you can to talk to them....

I’m sorry you were crying while you were writing this post...I know that the one thing you have accomplished is that you’ve reached out to some wonderful people here..that want to help support you as well as give you our care..Please stay safe and keep talking here if your feel up to it.. We are here for you..and you matter..

Sending you my care, kind thoughts and some warm caring hugs..

Grandy..

[Pumba293]

Dear MC,

First of all, I want to say how much I admire you for being here today and opening up to everyone here. That's not an easy task. I can't say I understand how difficult it must've been for you, all these long years fighting through it all. But, if anyone hasn't said it yet, I'm so proud of you for your hard work. I'm so proud that you've kept fighting, and I only hope you'll keep fighting for at least one more day, so that you can see all that life has left to offer you.

I'm aware of how difficult it must be to speak with your loved ones about what you're facing, they may not understand or it may put them through more pain, but in the end, they'll be stronger for it, for having faced those challenges and struggles with you. I'm sure that they would face eternity if they could, standing by your side through hell, then spend the rest of their lives without you. The freedom you're fighting for is the freedom from the pain, not from this life. I sincerely hope that you'll put faith in your partner and your mother to be by your side, no matter what. It'll be okay. It's okay to be lost, confused and unhappy. Feelings aren't the still rocks in the ground, they're the flowing rivers passing over them. You've gone and are still going through many twisting turns and divets, I'm sure, but you will reach a stable flow. Please give your loved ones the chance to show you that.

Stay safe. I'm happy you spoke up.

Pumba

[therising]

Hi MC

The very depths is, without a doubt, the most torturous place to be in depression. It is filled with so much despair and hopelessness. Although I left my depression behind me some years ago, being in the depths is something I will never forget. My heart truly goes out to you as you find yourself in this place.

Finding out what leads us to such a place and managing our time in it can feel like a hopeless experience, before we come out. I imagine what I write is perhaps a little depressing to some but there's no sugar coating such an experience. Searching for the right med in a long line of depressing trial and error solutions, if not managed well and responsibly by professionals, can definitely be depressing. Even professionals who can't lead us to greater understanding in regard to why we're suffering can depress us. People who offer loving supportive words can also sometimes depress us. If only they knew how overwhelming the struggle is, they would know not to say 'You'll be right', without making it right. If only they knew that verbal expressions of love were not enough. Now, with greater clarity, I can look back and understand why simple love was not enough for me. I needed a loving action plan that worked, in order for me to rise out of my depression.

Unable to pinpoint every single comment that's made to us or every single event that accumulates, we can be left to wonder exactly what leads us down into the darkness. Seemingly harmless comments such as 'You'll be right, you just need to get on with things' or 'You need to toughen up' or situations which lead us to wonder about significant questions which don't get answered are all things that hold the potential to bring us down. Such things can lead us to feel both dismissed and lost.

You mention 'I don't even know why I'm writing this'. Could the answer be: This is my expression of hopelessness, of sufferance. It is me expressing how exhausted I am. Depression is so incredibly exhausting in so many ways.

Do you wish to feel really heard for the first time? Is it possible you've come here to raise yourself, when nothing else has worked? Stick with us, even if it's out of curiosity. I want you to wonder whether here is where you'll find a difference. For me, a difference was found in those who had 1st hand experience with depression. It was among such people I gained the understanding I was not my depression. This led me on a mind altering quest, triggered by the question 'Who am I?'

🙂

[MignightBlue]

Thank you everyone for your supportive words. That day and the next I hit rock bottom but did climb out to feel better.

A week later however and I’m in the same situation. Trying to work from home but crying and I just feel like a mess again.

I‘m not suicidal today but I’m afraid there will a time soon when I will be as low as last week.

I do have epilepsy (a mild form) and I think that may make me more prone to this. It’s been happening on a cycle too (every Wed and Thurs) but I’m too embarrassed to tell my Dr. I’m meeting with a neuropsychologist next week to asses if I’m mentally fit for surgery and I think I will be more open with him.

Again, thank you everyone for your comments. I’ve just got to get through today and hopefully the Dr can provide me with some help next week.

MC

[InhaleExhale]

Hi MidnightBlue,

It’s great that you are posting a second time. I’m sorry you’re feeling like a mess again and that this seems to be a weekly cycle.

You said you’re too embarrassed to tell you doctor, may I ask what it is that might be making you feel this way? Being open with your neuropsychologist next week would be a fantastic start. I’d suggest checking in with your regular GP sooner, especially if you are feeling worse. GP’s have many many clients who see them for mental health, it is so common probably won’t bat an eyelid. Is this something you might consider doing?

If you feel up to it, I’d love to hear what your thinking on absolutely anything.

[Lena_J]

Do you have someone close to talk to. Even if you don't want to talk you can text them? I went through a really bad rough patch and it was my sister and my partner that pulled me out. I did try to take my life twice and I wanted to many times just after that. But I promised them I'd reach out first. And I did. Each and every time.
I hope you have someone to reach out to x

[MignightBlue]

Having a rough day so revisiting this post I made last year. This community has lots of supportive people and thank you for the kind words.

My work now know and I’ve been on leave for 3 weeks. At least they’re supportive. My parents also know and they’re very upset but want to help. I’m very lucky in that regard.

I’m just frustrated that I’m not getting any better. My mood has improved somewhat but this weekend I have felt the worst I have for a while. I’m on anti depressants, CBD oil for my anxiety and just started beta blockers which have helped with some of the crippling physical anxiety symptoms.

I guess I just need some words to reassure me I will get better. It just seems impossible to imagine being free from mental illness. Starting therapy next week and that is my only hope left.

Replying to Lena, I don’t have anyone to talk to. Glad you were helped by your sister and partner. I don’t want to burden anyone with my issues but maybe thinking about speaking to my dad. His father had PTSD and knows how mental illness can affect people and those around them.

I’m crying on the bed so just needed to get this out to make me feel better! I’m going to hang in there but I can’t see past tomorrow.

[Sophie_M]

Hey MidnightBlue, 

It's great to see you back on the BeyondBlue forums. We're sorry to hear the last few weeks have been difficult and that today feels like an especially rough one. We can hear that you are trying so hard to get better by taking time from work, seeing a therapist and persisting with medication. That is an incredible feat and you should be very proud of yourself! You can be assured that these feelings won't last forever, there are good days ahead and you will get there.

We read that you're seeing a therapist next week, however, have you thought about speaking with a counsellor either by phone or webchat before then? The Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Also, if you don't have many people to rely on where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups. You can find information on which support groups are available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Thank you again for posting today and we hope a few of our community members will pop by to offer some words of support and advice.