My life in a nutshell...

[Devoid]

Hello everyone,

For reasons I can't fathom...I find myself without a person to lean on....

About life; Youngest of four, dad with addictive/abusive behaviour, met an aussie online/met/married at 18, came to Oz at 19, husband had addictive/abusive behaviour, stayed married 18 years, had 4 children to him, went to Tafe for nursing diploma, workplace bullying twice, cracked/had time off/ got medicated, seperated/divorced, isolated, self destructive behaviour when kids were with their dad, settled down (mostly), met a new man in another country (been overseas twice), engaged, pregnant, no friends, extremely depressed/hormonal/emotional, fiance can't "just come over" Because he wasn't born in a first world country, no family here....

No best friend.

I have tried reaching out to others about where I'm at and I'm constantly being rejected.

I invited 23 ppl from work to my home for a short notice barbeque....I got 14 "nos" and 0 ppl turn up. I tried joining a newbie motorcycle club but honestly no one was very helpful or Interested.

My best friend disowned me because she didn't support my pregnancy....but it turns out after almost two years of trying she's 3 weeks more pregnant than me. Also she said I'm a bad parent because I went to my fiance twice because he couldn't get approved for a visitor's visa here and not taking my kids on expensive holidays (that I can't afford) makes me a bad parent in her opinion. She was like a sister to me....and it feels like she died....so I'm still really hurting and grieving that.

I see an antenatal social worker at the hospital. I've done the mental health assessment with my GP.

I struggle with wanting someone and not wanting to be a burden or be dependent.

Im going to end up being alone in the delivery room in March....

And maybe for a couple years til my guy can come over...if he comes over....he's not talking to me right now..."for the good of our relationship" because I'm so angry/broken....

Evwryone will say get more help, get more help....but it feels cheap knowing the only ppl that will "care" about you are getting paid to do so.....

[Devoid]

Wow....ok.

Perfect.

[swtpotato]

Hey Devoid,

I am sorry no one has replied to your thread yet, sometimes they can get a bit lost. Might feel like it reflects what's currently going on in your life, bit of a bad joke. But.. welcome!

You must feel very lonely and dejected at the moment, and exhausted from trying so often in the past to reach out to others. I know how incredibly painful loneliness can be, and I hate how many people have to suffer through it. It might be like you feel you've been defeated, again and again. This is how I like to imagine my life when I am down, as a series of defeats. Later on, I am able to perceive things differently.

I think we can shape our narrative any way we see fit, and that part of recovering is taking charge of our own story. But we must be seen and heard first.

I am still pretty young, so I can barely imagine what you have struggled through, and what you have beaten. I feel like you would be able to relate to a lot of others here, and perhaps give insight to others seeking help.

I get what you mean when you say losing a friend is like grieving a death. I'm sorry she said that to you, though it sounds like issues of her own, not yours.

You will find a lot of caring people on here, I hope you find the forums useful.

How are your kids? Do they know what's going on?

How is your treatment going at the moment?

- M