Mum

[goldilocks]

I am 24, and I really, really, really wish I had a mother figure in my life. This sounds rough, but I really don't care about my biological mother anymore, because she treats me so poorly now. Her niceness when I was growing up was all a facade. She's been diagnosed with PTSD and refuses to seek help for it. She often gambles on the pokies and drinks cartons of beer, usually starting on a Thursday night and well into the weekend. Her excuse? 'I was like this before I had you,' and 'I've worked for 8/9 hours today.' Mum started treating me differently when I came out to her as being attracted to an older, single man with a child of his own (who is considerably younger than me.) I recall exactly how I felt when telling her for the first time. I was incredibly anxious, sitting on the my bedroom floor at 19 years of age, with a bucket because I thought I was going to be sick I was that anxious. I expected the worst and that was exactly what I got - mum completely dismissing my feelings for this man. She still to this day dismisses them, five years down the track, and still to this day refuses to talk about him. Nobody in my family wants me to discuss him ever again. I want an emotional available mother, one that will sit with me and listen to me talk about my feelings and give me big hugs. I know it sounds cheesy but this is how I feel. I am a very loving person with a lot to give to people. I am not sure what else to write?

[quirkywords]

Goldilocks thanks fir your feedback. I find it sad thst yiur m7 dies nit realise what a wonderful daughter she has in you. 
i am in my 60s and I would like to have a daughter or granddaughter like you. 

[quirkywords]

Echtis sorry that your mother is not supportive. I think if we fund people who can be there fir us that is helpful. 
i am in my 60s and still would like a mum. I know a woman in her 80s who is kind and I can talk to. A mother is a concept and it does not matter how old we are I think we need that comfort and nurturing .m

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Goldilocks

I imagine that must have come as a shock/surprise about the divorce, unless you suspected it would happen. How would you feel about living with your Dad? It sounds like he has a lot to deal with with his brother and family right now so I guess you must be thinking about all those things.

It sounds like you are the responsible adult in your family. I can relate as I started taking care of my Mum when I was 5. It’s so hard on you carrying responsibility that shouldn’t be yours. I wonder if there’s some counselling support you could get? I know I put so much effort into caring for my parents, but looking back I know it negatively impacted my health and well-being over time. So I really recommend finding ways to prioritise yourself. You could ask yourself what your needs are in your life right now - especially emotionally as healthy connections with others are so important. Basically connections where your needs are being met too. Because of the dynamics in my family I ended up in quite a few co-dependent friendships where I was always the carer/support for the other person. It took me a long time, but I’ve finally let go of unequal, unhealthy relationships and I’ve got more balanced connections in my life now. So I think healthy boundaries really help.

 I understand about getting too close and fear of rejection. I’ve had quite a lot of approach-avoidance conflict and I’m sure that comes from parental attachments that don’t feel secure. If your Mum hasn’t been approachable it makes sense you feel unsure about closeness. But wise other women can be anyone you know who you feel comfortable with, even if you’re not super close, such as someone you work with, a friendly lady at a local cafe you get to know etc. Just someone who is easy to be around and it’s like some of their good energy rubs off on you and can help you to feel nurtured. I once heard a saying that we all meet several mothers in a lifetime.

 I understand about ADHD. I went to a counsellor at an ADHD support place in 2007 who suggested I get a formal diagnosis. I switch between hyper focus and scatteredness. But I think I’m at the milder end and didn’t want to be medicated, though I know people with major ADHD who are really helped by meds. I think ADHD often crosses over with early life adversity too.

Take care and big hug to you too xx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Echtis,

Please don’t feel pathetic about still wanting a mother figure. I’m 47 and still have that yearning for what I didn’t get from my own mother. I’m working on developing my own inner parent at the moment who can take care of my inner child self - even just learning to talk kindly to myself and not be hard on myself which is a lifetime habit learned from how my mother treated me and in turn by how her mother treated her. You are a worthy person deserving love and kindness. Sending you a motherly hug xx

[goldilocks]

Hey Eagle Ray,

Mum and Dad have since moved on from their verbal altercation. Now that Mum has calmed down, she (as well and myself) believe that Dad said that he wanted a divorce due to ongoing stress with his drug addicted brother, who is 52, and is likely to pass away before my 70 year old grandmother (my dad and uncle's mother.)

It is great to hear that you are prioritising your mental health and recognising that you were once part of co-dependent friendships. I too am trying to establish healthier boundaries within my relationships with other people. You say that you had to start taking care of your mum from a young age. I can relate, as my mother suffered from crippling anxiety herself due to facing trauma and abuse daily from her own father (who I have no relationship with.) This is probably the reason as to why she had concerns for me liking an older man. Which is understandable. Mum was co-dependent on me from an early age. I can't recall most of my childhood because most of it was a blur due to anxiety and depression. Mum recognises that she drinks heavily and has finally admitted (as of today) that she wants help for it. She wants to go to AA meetings at our local church. To say that I am very proud of her is a huge understatement. 

In terms counselling, I am currently keeping in touch with Kids Helpline. I can't recommend them highly enough. I am based in South Australia and we have a service here called SONDER, which is the next step from headspace (so once you turn 25.) Kids Helpline is a bit different from headspace; you get to speak with your counsellor (the same one) up until your 26th birthday.

Ah, I absolutely love that saying: 'we all meet several mothers in a lifetime!' 🙂

I too believe that I am at the milder end of the spectrum of ADHD or ADD. I am happy to be medicated.

Kind Regards xx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Goldilocks!

That’s awesome news about your Mum going to AA. It means she’ll have some peer support too to help her keep on track. The trauma stuff gets passed down doesn’t it, from your Mum’s father to her, but what’s great is you are so clearly breaking the pattern and handling things so well.

 I’m really glad you are getting excellent help from Kids Helpline and that you have SONDER too for when you are 25. That’s really good to have that stability of the same counsellor with Kids Helpline too.

I’m glad things have calmed down with your Mum and Dad as well.

It’s great you are helped by meds. Makes me wonder if I should investigate further even though I’m on the mild end 🤔 I think I have the quieter form of attention deficit without the hyperactivity.

Anyway, so happy things are sounding better for you 🙂 xx

[goldilocks]

Hi Everybody,

An update on Mum:

I'm probably going to repeat myself already (unintentionally - please forgive me 🙂), but she is now only gambling and drinking alcohol on Saturdays. She did this today, and after being very well behaved over the past week and a bit. She was also well behaved today as well, and is planning on speaking with her psychiatrist about her alcoholism and gambling addiction.

P.s. Is there a way where I can leave recommendations for this website/cousnellors? Nothing bad 🙂

Warm Regards,

Goldilocks