Mum

[goldilocks]

I am 24, and I really, really, really wish I had a mother figure in my life. This sounds rough, but I really don't care about my biological mother anymore, because she treats me so poorly now. Her niceness when I was growing up was all a facade. She's been diagnosed with PTSD and refuses to seek help for it. She often gambles on the pokies and drinks cartons of beer, usually starting on a Thursday night and well into the weekend. Her excuse? 'I was like this before I had you,' and 'I've worked for 8/9 hours today.' Mum started treating me differently when I came out to her as being attracted to an older, single man with a child of his own (who is considerably younger than me.) I recall exactly how I felt when telling her for the first time. I was incredibly anxious, sitting on the my bedroom floor at 19 years of age, with a bucket because I thought I was going to be sick I was that anxious. I expected the worst and that was exactly what I got - mum completely dismissing my feelings for this man. She still to this day dismisses them, five years down the track, and still to this day refuses to talk about him. Nobody in my family wants me to discuss him ever again. I want an emotional available mother, one that will sit with me and listen to me talk about my feelings and give me big hugs. I know it sounds cheesy but this is how I feel. I am a very loving person with a lot to give to people. I am not sure what else to write?

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Goldilocks

My heart really goes out to you and how you are feeling right now. There is nothing we want more than to be loved, supported and cared for by our mothers. It’s incredibly hard when they have their own issues that keep them from being fully present with us.

 I relate to some of your story. I’m in my my 40s now but when I was 18 I fell in love with an older guy too. I also struggled to build up the courage to tell my Mum about it and got a reaction that sounds similar. My Mum couldn’t handle the information and it sounds maybe your Mum couldn’t either. My Mum had complex PTSD but like your Mum didn’t get the help she needed for it.

 I know so well that wish for a Mum who will listen when you need someone to talk to and give you a hug. What I have found over the years is that you will encounter other women who are like wise guides along the way who can help to fill in some of the missing care you haven’t received just by being the warm, motherly souls they are. And while it can be challenging, you can gradually learn to be a loving parent to yourself too.

 I was speaking to my psychologist today and she recommended a book called Mother Hunger written for women who missed out on healthy mothering in various ways. I’m planning to read it myself but thought it may be of interest to you too.

It’s wonderful you see your own loving nature and that you have lots to give. Happy to chat more if you want to. Sending you a big hug xx

[Fiatlux]

Hi Goldilocks,

You are my daughters age and I am possibly your mothers age. 

You haven't made clear whether this older man is still in your life.

I can only explain how I would have felt had my 19 year daughter been attracted to a much older man, in that I would have been concerned for her safety, first and foremost. I would be very concerned that she may have been taken advantage of due to her innocence at that age. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mother, especially the gambling and drinking which you understand is good for either of you. The PTSD and drinking is definitely affecting her parenting. I too have complex PTSD but that did not hinder my ability to be a good, loving mother to my children. 

You say that you want an emotional available mother. Have you tried telling your mother that you still need her. As for the older man, what did you want to get out of that relationship?

Keep in touch and I am sure there are others here who will support you.

[quirkywords]

Goldilocks I just wanted to give you a big hug and say you are not cheesy. We all crave the love and support from our mothers. 

There are people here willing to listen and offer support. You Thanks you sound like  a sensible and caring person. Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I see you already have had some great support here.

Briefly, I dont see my birth mother for the same reasons, destructive, selfish and non supportive but also as she likely has a mental health issue she is in denial about. I'm 66yo, my mother 90yo. A family friend now 79yo is now my mother figure and you are spot on, it fills the vacuum left by the spot the birth mother had.

Firstly, the comments given to you from your birth mother are not acceptable in fact they are aimed at throwing guilt at you. The comments and attitude towards you regarding your older man with a child relationship is deplorable. I'm not a professional medical person but such behaviour is along the lines of my mother, that its like you are owned by her, an extension of herself. Please click on this link and read as it could provide some answers to your problem

https://theestablishment.co/witch-queen-mom-fairy-tale-lessons-for-surviving-borderline-parents-8695...

So, in other areas of concern is more about seeking your passion/hobby and social contact. Take up a favourite sport and get to know your team mates, the more people you come across the more likely you will find a older female that has the desire to be loved and admired.

You have a lot of love to give, surround yourself with like minded individuals and drop off those that dont support you or are judgemental... no matter who they are.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again Goldilocks,

 I’ve just been reading about a book this morning that I’m going to look at myself but thought it may be of interest to you too. It’s called:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C Gibson

[goldilocks]

Hey Eagle Ray,

I am not sure what happened this afternoon but I was in a good mood whilst catching public transport to the city when I received a text from my mum saying that she is apparently divorced. She was desperate to call me but I had told her about three times that I was busy enjoying my day. She did not comprehend this and basically said that I should go and live with my father. Going off topic a bit, my dad is having issues with my uncle (his brother.) He (my uncle) has been a drug user for years and years and it has actually got to the point where the drugs he has taken have destroyed his brain cells. He abused their mother, my grandmother, a frail seventy year old woman, and my dad lost it at my uncle. My dad is just done with his side of the family (except for his mother.) My grandmother realistically does not have long until she kicks the bucket, although I'd like to think otherwise, as I care about her so much. We are no longer estranged.

Getting back to my mum, I have asked her to seek help on multiple occasions but she simply refuses to. So, I am the one who speaks with Kids Helpline weekly because I am always the one who has to seek help on my parents' behalves. It is incredibly draining, mentally and emotionally. 

With your comment about me seeking other women in my life who are like wise guides, there is a few women like that in my life but I am too scared to get close to them in case something happens. Nothing strange or inappropriate, of course. I guess I fear rejection. 

I would love to read, but I have undiagnosed ADHD, so concentrating on one thing at a time can be hard.

Sending you a big virtual hug xx

[goldilocks]

Hey Fiatlux,

Sorry, I should have made myself a bit more clearer. No, this man is no longer in my life. He was just a crush/someone I had feelings for. Too much water under the bridge which has prevented us from going further together.

From a daughter's perspective, I am glad that your cPTSD never hindered your ability to being a loving and caring mother to your children. I wish I had a parent like you. 

My mother has openly admitted that she doesn't feel 50. She told me she feels 25. I already feel like an illegitimate individual because she got pregnant with me three months into her relationship with my dad. So I feel like I wont achieve anything if I say to her that I want an emotionally available mother.  

[goldilocks]

Hey quirkywords,

Sending you a virtual hug! 

[Echtis]

Yeah, I wish I had a mother figure too. I feel pathetic wanting one at my age, but I can't deny my genuine need for support, praise, or affection. I visited my parents recently, and when I tried to explain some of the misery that was going on in my life she just walked out of the room. 

Pretty much sums up my childhood, just she was the one causing the misery then. 

I'd suggest trying to get the same feeling from a good friend. Maybe that's terrible advice, I don't know.