Major life reset at 44. Where do I go from here?

[Guest_1243]

Hi, thank you to everyone that responds to the messages on these forums.  After reading the welcome post, I had a look through the forums to find other relevant stories and found there are some very helpful people here. I'm hesitant to post my own story as it just still feels unreal. I'm doing my best to get a handle on it all, in some ways at least, but as things start to finally settle in, I don't know how to move forward. I just feel stuck.

How I got here...

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety just before the lockdowns in 2020, this was related to work and something that developed over a long time, so I took a break. Me not working turned into a fairly practical situation at the time, as I could home school my daughter during lockdown, and my partner could continue working, so that's how it went. Although my extended leave from work wasn't easy, we could handle it. Several months into that I started to get quite sick, and weathered this (with my GP and Therapist)until I had a massive heart attack just over 18 months ago. This was a fairly significant event, thankfully my wife was home to call someone, and the ambulance were there and able to revive me when my heart stopped about 30 mins later.

Coming back from this has been difficult.  I was only 43 when I had the heart attack, plus having to spend 4 days in ICU with no visitors due to Covid restrictions was hard. So it rattled me. I didn't take the best care of myself, I wasn't reckless, but I could have done better after the heart attack. This whole situation was compounded by the guilt of what I'm putting my family through, so I wasn't exactly feeling like I was granted a 2nd chance at life or anything like that, I just felt terrible. This reached it's inevitable destination when my wife decided she wanted to separate. I don't blame her, it has been a very rough few years at this point.

Finally, 6 months ag our house caught fire. Thankfully noone was home at the time, and everyone was ok, but we lost everything. We are insured, and that process is finally coming to an end, but we are not able to rebuild.

So here I am. I went from stay at home dad, to 4 nights per month living in temp accomodation. The house is gone, my partner has left, and I have no physical possessions (besides my car and donated clothes). My life life has always centred on my home and family. 

What am I supposed to do at this point?

[David35]

Don't feel guilty for what your family went through with your illness. I'm sure you didn't do it intentionally. Mum used to have these feelings about me when she got cancer. It wasnt her fault she got sick, the same way it wasn't your fault.

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup.

I there any chance of getting back to work? Even part time? Some occupation of mind can help to take your mind off your immediate problems which cant always be solved straight away.

What about The Salvos? Do they offer any assistance?

[Croix]

Dear Guest_1243~

Welcome here to the forum, I"m glad you have had a chance to look around already.

Just at the moment you have a whole pile of things that have gone wrong. Your physical health, your relationship, your house and possessions and work  -all together with a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

Trying to fix all this at the same time is a temptation, however I suspect it may lead to discouragement due to the size and complexity of the problems. Perhaps if you simply try for a couple of things at a time, and when you have those at a satisfactory point go on to more.

I would suggest you own mental and physical health would be a starting point. Even 18 months after your heart attack suitable exercise and diet together wiht occasional medical supervision would be very sensible. Similarly treatment for depression and anxiety (which I'm successfully treated for too) would go hand in hand with this.

A second thing might by to get you own accommodation sorted - for which you may need outside assistance too.

You may well disagree wiht me about priorities, after all you are the peron on the spot and it needs to be your judgment.

My only other suggestion is to reward yourself every day by doing something that you eihter enjoy, or takes your mind out of your ordinary life (a distraction in other words). I've found having one to look forward to at the end of each day has made a real difference

It does not have to be anything huge, talking with another, going for a coffee, reading a favorite book or looking at a movie, etc. I'm sure you will be able to reflect and find things that suit you.

I would like to know how you get on, so if you feel like it come back again, you will be welcome

Croix