Lost.

[Mood_Swinger]

I don't even know where to start or what I can share/can't share here....

I've always been like this. Except the depression has taken over more in the last few years. I grew up in Foster Care because my mother was in and out of hospital and physically abused me. To be honest I don't really remember it at all. Mental Illness runs throughout my family. My mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality, my Grandfather with Bipolar. My Aunt has Bipolar as well while my sister and other relatives suffer from Depression.

I spent my entire childhood being diagnosed with everything from ADHD to ODD, Depression and Anxiety.... medicated up to my eyeballs on pysch meds for kids that didn't work. Eventually I grew up and worked out how to best manage my emotions on my own. I settled down and had three children whom I love more than life itself. Really. If I didn't have them, there would be no point anymore.

In 2011 something snapped and I had a meltdown. I fell into a deep depression. My anxiety was through the roof. I was losing my mind. The doctor prescribed antidepressents and this brought on what I now realise to be a "hypermanic" episode. I was so happy I could burst, I couldn't sleep at all, I cleaned the walls with bleach at 2am....

After a few months of erratic behaviour I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and we struggled to get my moods under control. in August my mind had had enough and I lost any control. I made an attempt on my life without even putting any though into it. I was hospitalised and tried everything from mood stabilisers to antidepressents, benzos, anti convulsants and anti pyschotics. This was an 18 month struggle until I finally found medication that worked for me. I hated the way it made me feel. I felt no emotion or enjoyment in life. Each day rolled into another and "just was".

I no longer see a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist. Nor do I have a regular GP. I've been medication free for 10 weeks now. Gosh some days it's hard and I don't know how on Earth I will ever survive, but then I remember how much I didn't feel when I was medicated and I don't want to go back there. I'm not happy, but at least I can feel how unhappy I am and not just like an empty shell. I can feel anger and outrage. I can feel excitement again.

I'm not sure how I will keep going for the rest of my life, but all I know is I don't have a choice. My kids are my life and they need me and that's what I tell myself everyday.

[JessF]

Hello Mood Swinger, what a roller coaster of a story. Thank you for sharing it, I feel very inspired by what you have been through and survived. I love how you are saying now that you are in touch with your emotions, even the not so good ones.  You say that you are not happy, but you can feel excitement again.  That is a great thing.  What makes you get that feeling of excitement?  Is it doing fun things with the kids?  Sometimes the biggest things we can do to muddle our way through life when we have big emotional swings to deal with are the simplest: move towards the things that give us the most pleasure, and try to minimise those that don't. 

It sounds like you have really been through the chemical factory with all the different meds, different psychs and a horrific family background. But think of each day as ground zero.  You are learning something new about yourself each day and building your life in each moment going forward.  You already have made a great start by holding onto that perspective: on the days when it is hard, you think back to what you DON'T want, and that is a good start.  Now it's just a case of discovering what it is that you do want.  And the great thing with the love you have for your children is that you already have a big part of the key.  Yes your children need you, but you need them too, and I imagine you will want them to have the life you didn't get to have when growing up. 

[geoff]

dear Mood_Swinger,, thanks so much for describing what you have had to endure over such a long period.

It's not your fault for being born into this hellish disease, you unfortunately had no choice and no understanding what so ever.

I do notice that your husband has not been mentioned in this post, but his behaviour would have only added to the equation.

There can be a time when as you grow up you are dished out medication, ranging from all types and not knowing whether your 'Arthur or Martha', and by all these different types it will only confuse you, annoy you, and definitely leave you in being able to refuse the pills handed out to you.

Can I say that it will take you awhile to be able to learn on how to cope with different situations, which maybe hard at the moment, but your kids are what you live for, they love you, just as you love them, and I know from your previous post that there are some major issues that are confronting you, so this is a time where you need lots of support, so I do hope that you continue to post back to us. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Hi MS

I have seen someone very close to me go through the same process as you, with the chemical factory and feelings of "nothing", weight balooning, needing lap band surgery, the works.  She drove like a zombie, I was so worried she would crash, those meds are dangerous in my opinion.  The fact that you have been in a loving relationship and have 3 kids tells me that you are very high functioning (especially considering what you have been through).  You really do deserve a medal.  So many people feel sorry for themselves and never had to deal with what you have.

Your childhood sounds extremely tough, it's any wonder you have been through so much. 

I think it's wonderful that you have started to just "feel" the feelings as other's have said.  It sounds like the next stage after such a long tough journey.  I'm so glad you have your kids, it's a lonely place with no family.  They all adore you.  

You should be so proud of yourself, you are a survivor...and only you know what helps so good on you for surviving that process too.

Just wanted to say best of luck, power and strength to you. 🙂