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Lost.

beep891
Community Member

I don't even know where to start.

I've been feeling increasingly more depressed over the past few months, but I've never really dealt with depression before so it's taken me a while to realise.

It just seems like everything in my life is negative at the moment, there is literally nothing good. I don't feel comfortable talking to people I know about this kind of thing, it's just not the kind of person I am. Sometimes it's easier talking to a stranger.

My weight has always been an issue as long as I can remember, and over the past couple of years its gotten worse, and I feel like this affects every aspect of my life. I hate going to uni or generally out in public because I'm scared of being judged and this has affected my grades, meaning that I will most likely have to do another year of my degree, on top of having already done 5 years (it's a 4 year course), I hate my job, and I'm so messy and lazy I can't stand it.

The past few weeks, and especially the past few days I just feel like crying all the time, with no exact thing that sets me off, it's just everything.

I started a new job a few months ago, and I don't feel like I belong there, I almost dread having to go there every day. The staff are all very nice, but they are all so close and it's almost like a clique. I miss my old job, I felt comfortable there and loved going, but due to problems with the boss I don't think I'll ever be working there again.

I'm just so lost, and have no motivation to lose weight or to do anything.

I don't know how to turn this around.

7 Replies 7

MsPurple
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Beep

Sorry to hear about your increasing struggle with your mood and depression. I know how horrible it feels. I have been there myself. I have also struggled with uni and dealing with anxiety and depression. First of all I want to let you know you are not alone. Many people struggle with mental illness at some point in their life. It will not always be like this I promise (cliche I know but it is true). Have you talked to your GP or see a counsellor about this? I found it really hard to talk to my friends about this too. I even struggled to go and get help. I went to headspace. I liked it as it was a youth mental health service that deal with this all the time. They helped me understand what was going on in my mind and helped me with strategies to deal with it. It was one of the hardest things to do, going to get help, but if I had to do it again, I would do so in a heart beat. Even on my bad days now they are not nearly as bad as they were before I got help. Headspace also helped me sign up with disability services at uni. This is a really good service and they can help you make a personal achademic plan and support you through the rest of your degree. I did it towards the end of mine, and them helping me out at the end helped me feel more confident in my ability. And no, it won't affect your employment prospects in the future and it can is confidential.

Unfortunately depression can cause you to lose motivation. I would make small achievable goals to help you get re motivated again. One goal could be to go talk to someone about this such as a GP. If that's too big a first goal maybe a goal like going for a short walk or calling a friend is a good start.

Hope some of this helps. Keep us updated.

SourceShield
Community Member

Hi there!

Like you I am studying as well.

I am going to complete a PhD...it can be grueling.

Like you as well, I have battled with weight and in turn health issues for all of my adult life.

I used to be morbidly obese and then for ten years to get over being fat, I was bulimic.

This made everything worse.

I developed Body-Dysphoria and even though I was slim, I still saw the 'ugly fat guy' in the mirror.

When you write that your weight affects everything in your life...I TOTALLY GET IT.

I used to live in Cairns - in the tropics and on one of my bad days, I would be the guy wearing a winter hoodie, whilst everyone else is topless wearing their boardshorts!

I was so neurotic and paranoid...did my head in...and my friends.

Depression sneaks up on all of us.

So, I am not surprised that at the moment you are struggling with work and study.

Thats a very normal and natural response, with how youre feeling at the moment.

The things is depression doesnt just go away.

But, we can learn to live with it, and once we get to know our triggers and reactions...things do get easier.

So, I would suggest study up on this condition as much as you can...be your own Sherlock Holmes, and get to know how it is for you.

I also appreciate the value of the basics now too.

Like...

Eating well...I have to consciously eat, and eat good healthy wholefoods!

Good sleep but dont oversleep.

Get in any exercise that you can...really does help to boost the dopamine levels.

Stay connected to a good support system i.e professional help and personal support.

Stay in touch with us here.

Know that you are not alone.

We are here to support you through this!

MuchLove

Mr SourceShield!

Nikkir
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Beep891,

Thank you for reaching out to us, it takes alot of courage and it sounds like you are going through alot at the moment:( I can understand that feeling which is very difficult and challenging but for me it came from a particular event. Has anything triggered this feeling or this withdrawal and unhappiness? You have done well to get so far in uni even if it has taken just a little longer, I am currently at uni and it takes all that I have, so well done. It is definately hard starting a new job that is for sure especially if you don't like it. Is there a possibility of starting or looking for something else ? or do you think it is part of how you are feeling at the moment. I don't about you but I have found with my old boss, I tried going back a couple of times but in the end I just had to move on, everyone is different though. Have you been to see a GP? I think its good that MsPurple suggested the disability services, or whatever is available at uni. They do have specific services for all needs and supports and usually counsellors on site free of charge. Headspace is good, we have good resources and you can always chat to us on 1300 224636, good for conversation and referrals. I have "smiling minds" app on my phone which is mindfulness and we also have good links on our beyond blue website for depression and self care. You are not alone and hopefully this is just a passing phase. Please keep in touch if you can and let us know how you are going. Best Wishes Nikkir x

Ellu
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear beep891,

I can really empathise with what you are going through with your depression, Uni, work and your weight. I am much older than you (63) but I have had bi-polar disorder since I was 15. I remember being severely depressed at Uni, isolating myself from any friendships and thinking that I was never going to make it through. Have you tried talking to a counsellor at Uni? They are very good, and they are free,and could help you sort out things while you are bogged down in depression. As for weight, I have varied over the years from 95kg to 57kg, depending on my state of mind. Concentrate on your mind first - if you get your depression and anxiety under control the weight will take care of itself. No matter what you weigh you are a worthwhile person, so hold your head up high and work towards your goals. Take the first step by talking to a counsellor (or a doctor or psychologist). When he was at Uni my son had some issues and he went to the Uni counsellor. He was able to sort things out with professional help - you will be surprised what a difference it will make to your life.

I wish you all the best beep891. Remember you are not alone - there is a whole community supporting you on this forum. I went through some very dark periods but I made it through with professional help, and now I am a happy mother of 4 who offers you her support and empathy.

Ellu

beep891
Community Member

Thanks everyone for your replies, it honestly makes a huge difference knowing I'm not alone.

I have booked in to see a counsellor at uni tomorrow, but I'm very nervous, I'm not the type of person to talk about my feelings to anyone face to face, I struggle with it a lot. I feel very awkward. There is an option to change the appointment to a phone interview instead of a face to face, but I'm unsure if I should do that or not.

In regards to work, I had quite a good shift today, even though I spent the hours leading up to my shift crying pretty much non-stop, even in the shower. But I can't help but compare it to my other job, which was exactly the same, however now at a different centre, therefore it's weighing on my mind. I can't decide if it's my state of mind that's making me unhappy at this job, or if it just isn't right for me.

As for what triggered these feelings, I think it's honestly just everything piling on. But it's mainly my weight, in particular, a few months ago I was shopping for a dress, I went into a plus size store that has always had things that I liked and that fit me, however almost everything I tried on was too small, including the XL's, and that alone made me feel utterly horrible. But what's worse is that it wasn't enough of a wake up call, because I've still done nothing about losing weight. I know I need to, and I honestly want to, I just lack any and all motivation to do it. My mum is amazing and constantly tries to help me and support me with losing weight, but I take it for granted and I almost want to do it for her more than me at this point.

Nikkir
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Beep891,

Thank you so much for your reply: ) we really appreciate it! Great to hear you are booked in with a counsellor and if you don't like the face to face maybe next time go for the phone. Either way its a step in the right direction:) Are you on medication ? If not, maybe talk to a GP. It does seem stressful that you are feeling sad alot and for a long period of time. How sweet of you to think of your mum:) Great that you have that support. I know about weight I have put on weight to and I don't like it, somedays I try and other days I don't care. I think once you start feeling better you will be more motivated to eat right and be more active. I think it was great how you were able in amongst all your stress to ask yourself if it is the job or your state of mind so you are still using your good wise mind and being rational. I guess time will tell, the great thing is you actually went. Well sounds like you have done quite alot today and please feel free to keep in touch. Best Wishes Nikkir x

MsPurple
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Beep. Sorry for the late reply. I haven't really been online for the past few days.

How did your appointment with the counsellor go? Have they discussed disability services with you at uni and the support they can offer you?

I have had some body image issues myself. I still have struggles today. I have had to talk to my therapist about it. Trying to learn to love myself for who I am and not for the size I wear or the number on the scales. It is hard but I am getting there. I found that my current medication hasn't helped with my body image and I have gained a few kg (which isn't much but for me it feels like it). Unfortunately depression and anxiety can cause people to gain and lose weight. Some people gain when they are depressed and some people gain as they get better (because they gain an appetite) It is a curse. But our self image on ourselves is something we call all work on. For me it is a work in progress. I talk to my therapist about it and they have helped me change my perspective of myself including my body image. I also do some meditation and some of this addresses your sense of self. However if you do want to lose weight please do it healthily. Maybe go on the dietitian association of australia page. This is a professional website are qualified to give nutrition and dietetic advice (unlike some people that do it on the tv). I would suggest looking up the Australian guide to healthy eating. I try follow this as closely as I can just to so I eat a healthy diet. But don't beat yourself up on bad days. We all have them and depression/anxiety in the mix makes it harder. I would start with small achievable goals like 'I will eat an apple for morning snack instead of biscuits' and after that is second nature or easy to do then start on a new goal. I can't do drastic changes, it just doesn't work for me

Please keep us updated and hope all is going well