Lost

[d15c0nn3t]

I'm starting to feel that i'm being consumed by mental health issues, and I feel they have been with me for a very long time. It's almost like it's been programmed into me and i've just found a way to cope with it on a daily basis.
Lately though I know I'm struggling. Everyday seems to be a blur. I feel as if i'm living in state of of being out of body. Almost numb to what's happening around me or to me. It's almost impossible for me to feel any heightened state of emotion. In situations where I should feel happiness, all i can seem to produce is apathy. All day, every day, all i feel is nothing. It's impossible to connect with a fellow human being, and with those I feel comfortable with, I feel whatever connection we have is becoming non existent.

I'm lost and I don't know what to do.
I can't continue feeling or living my life like this.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I think most of us here if not all have some idea of what it's like to lose days and weeks to that blur, and having trouble connecting. When you say you find it almost impossible to feel any heightened state of emotion, is that across the board, or just positive things? I found most feelings muted, but boy do I know how to feel bad. Even that was often muted. Less so now, which is a mixed blessing. Mostly I have questions for you, because I'm not sure if I can be of any help with what I know. Is this numbness a relatively new thing? Do you have an idea when it started, or what might have triggered it? If there's something you know to be contributing to it now, is there a way to eliminate or reduce that factor? If you don't know, sharing what it is with someone might help, as they could know something you don't about how to deal with it.

For my part I was only feeling misery when I felt anything much, and that was sapping my ability to enjoy anything or be more than apathetic about good things. I was, and to some extent still am, resigned to a sense of bland negativity. I tried doing things I once enjoyed, and to be honest, it did next to nothing. I tried talking to friends and there wasn't much connection. A life event had triggered that for me, and ongoing circumstances exacerbated it. Identifying and working on eliminating exacerbating factors have been essential in the process of learning to feel or enjoy anything again. But when it comes to the initial trigger, that's the sort of thing one can (not necessarily consciously) attempt to block out, and that's a real black hole for emotions and can be trickier to deal with. For that a confidant is important, be it a friend or a mental health professional, with whom you can talk about all the deep dark stuff you'd really rather forget. Stuffing old hurts in a corner of your mind is like dumping a pile of toxic rubbish in your back yard. You might have some pretty flowers in the other corner but you sure can't smell them over it, and all the grass is dying off in a patch that's spreading toward the flowers so soon they won't be there to look at, either. The rubbish needs to be dug up and properly contained or disposed of, whether that's forgiving someone or facing a truth you've been pretending wasn't there, whatever it is. A good confidant or psychologist/psychiatrist can help a lot with that sort of thing. Hope this helps.

[White_Rose]

Dear d15c0nn3t

Hello. I'm pleased you found your way to Beyond Blue. Welcome to the forum and thank you for entrusting us with your story. It sounds like a familiar theme that many of us experience from time to time. It sounds like depression. I felt this way a while ago and it's not very nice.

So what can you do about it? well Blues Clues has suggested you see a psychologist or psychiatrist and both of these people would be helpful. But first I recommend you talk to your GP. They are pretty good value these GPs. Make a long appointment to see your GP and explain how you have been feeling lately. They are very good at helping people in your situation.

That awful lost feeling and not knowing what to do about it. There is help for this and a light at the end of the tunnel. Please excuse the cliches. They do fit this situation. My sister used to say, "There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not the light of an oncoming train." I can only write a short reply (be thankful for small mercies), as I am going out. I hope to hear from you again.

Mary