Lost at the bottom again

[Not_Batman]

Hi all.

back again, and not going so well. I hope it is temporary because i really hate the stupid feeling of depression. 

first week back at work this week, and it has been really tough. I have projects coming out my ears, 1 new staff which i wasn't ready for and have no direction for, and doubting my abilities.

I look at all of the things i need to do at work and get overwhelmed. i try to focus on 1 thing and still get overwhelmed. Ive spoken to lifeline a couple of times this week to help me through the panicy times. Ive tried to do my meditations, breathing and grounding techniques, but to little effect, i guess because my mind is still consumed with worry and thoughts and fear. My OCD is telling me i need to get everything done perfectly, my anxiety is telling me all of these what if's, and my depression is telling me whats the point.

so, for the last 4 nights, im getting to sleep at night easy, but wake at 4am, and cant get back to sleep. Then i’m tired for the whole day. 

by lunch time i feel better, more awake, but still not my chipper self.

I went from having 5 weeks of holidays having an amazing time getting things done at home and feeling really good, to then walk in to work and fall to pieces.

i spoke to my boss about some things, and they suggested to not let it get to me, just do what i can do, and escalate if things are not working out, but that didnt give me a while lot of comfort. I soldiered on this afternoon though, and after putting myself through a lot of anguish, i managed to get one of the important things on the job list almost complete.

i’m holding on to the hope that it will get better, because I know i have been here before, and i know i have clawed my way out. Wish me luck.

Not Batman

[white knight]

Hi not batman, yes I'm still here.

I think you know all the theory but your worry is intervening into your logic.

So, tried delegating? 

Whatever you do, please take your normal breaks and the odd chat with a co-worker.  Pacing yourself will include these.

I don't have anymore to mention except there is a positive in your situation... you're proving you're responsible and hard working, the negative is ulcers so avoid them by chilling out a bit. 

TonyWK 

[Not_Batman]

Thanks Tony.

it just irritates me (the depression that is). One week, one month, 6 months im good, and then next im feeling like… well, i cant really explain depression, but if you have had it, you know. it strips away at any little bit of confidence or self esteem that i have.

delegating in this instance is not easily done. The people i manage are very junior, and i am trying to mentor them to be able to take a project and run with it. That is 1 project, but there are other projects that i cant readily hand off for a number of reasons.

Just now, reading that, it sounds like i’m making an excuse. Like i am sabotaging myself to an extent. 

Not Batman

[Not_Batman]

Its happening again. Feeling overwhelmed and worthless. This time it is the same old lack of resilience. I cant handle when people take what im good at and throw it in the toilet like its nothing.

triggered as today, and i cant shake it.

i did a presentation at work on my projects, and the only thing management could do was criticise, and not the constructive kind.

reading between the lines my projects are a waste of time and money, my team are a waste of time and money, and I am the biggest waste of time and money. No matter what i do, how i apply my skills, i cant get  things in order.

Now im worrying about the unknown. If i cant deliver, i’m done. And there are no other jobs for me in this area, and i dont want to move, and anything else is 3 hours drive away, and…on it goes.

I cant grow from setbacks, i cant gain resilience. I have my skills, and i cant use them.

[white knight]

Hi again,

I think it's great you return here when things are shaky again. 

There is that saying- "don't worry about things out of our control"

I'd add to that at the beginning "when I do my best.. "

That is what I embraced when I was in the workforce because it becomes predatory when management criticise you when you have a certain maximum capacity.

The single action I use is always ask questions like-

"You've told me it isn't up to standard, what improvements would you have in mind"?

"How would you do it? I want to learn"

Essentially you would be transferring pressure they use, back to them. 

I hope that helps.

TonyWK 

[Not_Batman]

Hi tony.

today i thanked them for the feedback and asked how i could adjust things to get done quicker, with the response of ‘i dont know, but you need to meet the milestones’

so i feel that im in a catch 22 in that i do my best and its not good enough, i ask for help and dont get any direction. I make a decision, it gets shut down.

it is a purely bottom line thought.

its just a continuous cycle.

[white knight]

In my experience  (around 90 jobs, 15 professions) I had only 2 bosses that were 1. Trained thoroughly and 2. Got the best out of me. 3. Treated everyone the same fair, firm, reasonable.

So most supervisors might be experienced in their work but have poor man management skills, good at directing but can't walk in the workers shoes. Etc. In my case it infuriated me so much I had a goal of running my own business and did so in the investigation field where I stayed till retirement.

Back to you. Nothing is going to improve unless you can explain your position in a manner that they understand. The best approach is to enter into a dialogue of giving them the - benefit of the doubt. After all, it's likely they don't mean to make you confused.

Explain to them your dilemma and that you want to make them satisfied with your work. Eg

"You need to meet milestones" - yes and I want to meet them so please explain to me, how to meet them when I try to introduce methods but they are not permitted?

A racehorse won't win a race coming first without a jockey. "I can meet your milestones but the work will be substandard, unless you produce ways to make it possible"

As an insurance sales guy 40 years ago now, at a meeting the boss put up sales targets. The targets were unreachable. I suggested so. Was howled down by all. A month later all sales staff failed to reach their targets. The next meeting the boss made the targets higher!. "So, your targets aren't realistic then, I'm glad I'm aware of that" I said. From then on I refused to take notice of them.

Bosses aren't necessarily clever.

Your "milestones" aren't reachable. Do your best but if it isn't sustainable you'll need a plan b. Without a plan b or c you'll stress and remain unwell imo.

TonyWK