Looking for understanding of my journey with depression

[Rooster19]

I don't get it!! I try hard, very hard in life!! I've stopped drinking, I have a conscience, I treat others with respect and try and live life right. Just because I haven't done anything dramatic or hit the traditional rock-bottom I feel people don't understand the hell I go through. They don't see or know that every day for me is a personal hell of over-thinking, self-doubt, resentment and loathing of the way my life has panned out. I haven't had any relationships with women ruined for instance (a common "rock-bottom" consequence with men) because quite simply I've never been able to develop one. It is so hard going every day so alone and misunderstood!!

I hate going to GPs and just getting the same mental health assessment done when the stuff going on in my head is so difficult to explain. I am persevering with my medication for fear of the withdrawals if I suddenly stop. I do not want to have to try another sort if these are not working or is this as good as the medication is going to be for me?? Starting from scratch with new tablets will make life even more difficult to manage when other people don't understand me as it is!!

I am intelligent (I have 2 degrees) and a hard worker but it is so difficult to do anything with my career that I can manage properly emotionally and mentally. It is so frustrating, I sometimes wish I was unintelligent and did not give a stuff, it would be be easier to live with myself at the end of the day!!

Can anyone out there get an idea of how I feel or maybe feel the same as I do??

[Paullus]

Hello Rooster,

I do have an idea of how you feel, naturally I can't walk in your shoes but I have empathy with you and how you may feel alone and/or misunderstood. I am a fairly articulate and educated man, no genius, but very aware of my environment and those who care about me. I don't want for much materially, however living with my version of extreme anxiety makes all else irrelevant. I have a supportive family and a few close friends who try to understand my mental instability but I still struggle keeping my boat upright every single day. I am not on meds as they haven't helped me but for others, they are literally life savers. So Rooster, I do get your frustration but can't offer you any magic insights only to say for me at least, I know what I'm dealing with in terms of my illness and I just "surf" the bad days (which are many) and make the most of those days when the melancholic fog lifts temporarily. It definitely helps me to know what I'm dealing with, I don't know where it comes from, but I do know what it is. I hope you can find your specific set of tools to successfully deal with your life issues. Kind regards.

[Mitch43]

Hey Rooster,

I can't say I have had the same experience; however on some levels very similar.

I understand the frustration in not being able to convey the "stuff" (for lack of a better term) going on internally.

All I can suggest is to be as transparent as possible with the GP about your reaction to medications and trust that they'll have some alternative solutions?

If it's any consolation you're not alone in feeling misunderstood, happy to chat more to increase the understanding on my end, hang in there mate.

regards

Mitch

[Allan533]

I can absolutely relate. Despite being fairly intelligent (2 undergraduate degrees, a Masters, working on my PhD, run my own business and local club, and teach), and I think a decent person overall, I really struggle with social relationships and forming any kind of intimate ties, let alone romantic ones. Now, I'm not saying that the world "owes" me a relationship, obviously that's not true. But it's really hard to be trying my best to form connections, doing everything right insofar as I can tell, and still be alone.

In some ways I'm very lucky and unlucky that my depression is fairly episodic. I'm not the happiest of clams the rest of the time, but I'm not too bad outside of that. Which I'm all kinds of grateful for, don't get me wrong, those periods of rest are an absolute godsend. But it does mean that my ability to work on or communicate the issues that only come up/make sense (to me) when I'm depressed to my psychologist is difficult, particularly given the limited sessions covered under Medicare. I'm coming to the end of that allocated time, and while I do think I've made progress on developing skills and perspectives, I also know that I've only scratched the surface.

I can say that no matter what, the mental health journey is really, really hard. And it's honestly great that you are trying and persisting even though you don't feel that you're making progress. I'm very much of the belief that even though it's not apparent, every step we take really does bring us closer to where we'd like to be (of course the path is rarely linear!). So keep at it, and keep trying to communicate what's in your head.

One trick I've found helpful for that is to break things down to their constituent parts. Start with something like a thought: I am thinking that I'm unlovable/bad/human plutonium. Write that down. What are the emotions connected to that? Write those down - just a short list, say the three most prominent. At no point is the goal here to say whether these thoughts/feelings are rational/justified/true/whatever, you're just describing things. Then you move onto the next thought and set of feelings. Or you can go feelings -> thoughts, whatever works.