Living and breathing with BPD

[On_the_border]

Hi all,

This is my first post on any forum and regardless of the anonymity it is still daunting.

i was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18, prior to that i was misdiagnosed as depression and nothing more. I went through self destructive teenage years with no one to blame but myself. The example of traits of BPD, I recognised all of them. I exhibited traits such as promiscuity, drug abuse and the inability to form healthy relationships. I have a chronic fear of abandonment that has controlled my life in suffocating ways. I have progressed to the stage where I have a semi healthy relationship, we have been through hell. He has a child and an ex wife. It is extremely difficult to manage this with an abandonment trait. I am a trainee accountant I work full time, I attend uni, I am in a business partnership with my partner. But I sit here in my car in child’s pose incapable of getting out of the car because a slight argument turns into a breakup.. again. I have the pain in my head and the cry of someone grieving when realistically I love my life the day before and the next I want this to stop. I am not suicidal, I love my life. I am my own enemy. Today I can’t breathe, I feel impossible to manage. I feel incompetent of life and incapable of letting go of my insecurities which control my life.

i guess I don’t feel I need advice, I’ve attended enough therapy to understand coping mechanisms. I guess relatability can be something that therapy can’t fix. I guess someone, anyone out there who can relate. I’d love to hear from you. Not because I’m glad you are in the same position. But to know im not as alone as I think I am.

i hope everyone has a lovely night and realise the beauty within the struggle.

[Mihai-Eugen]

In life there are things you can control, things you can't control and wisdom to distinguish between the two.
As long as you live with an excessive fear of abandoment, you set yourself up to feel miserable if something bad happens .
Even if you do the best you can to consolidate the relationship, there is still a chance of your partener leaving you.
Just keep focused on doing the best you can to take care of your life and accept that even if you do everything right, things may still go wrong.
 

[Guest_7403]

I used to be like all of those things you say. I think with age comes more maturity in coping with it and having a stable partner also changes the tide.

Like me it sounds like your a high functioning borderline, which i think makes it more difficult...as you can see all your flaws and know all your triggers but are still powerless to stop the emotional turmoil

Hang in there, its gets better

[Croix]

Dear On the border~

I read your post and can understand what you are going though, I'd just like, not only to echo Theborderline's words that things get better as time goes on, but also that if you compare your description of your self now with when you were a teenager you have progressed miles already.

Then

... promiscuity, drug abuse and the inability to form healthy relationships

Now

I have a semi healthy relationship, we have been through hell ... I am a trainee accountant I work full time, I attend uni, I am in a business partnership with my partner

OK, so your fears are still there, but I have the feeling you may be starting to stand outside the anguish of the moment and recognize it for what it is. This will become stronger as time goes on.

The other thing is - have you discussed this in detail with you partner, and can you come up between you with behavior that eases these horrible fears to some extent - or maybe lessens their frequency?

Croix