lights fading

[Damo23]

I have suffered depression and anxiety for 10 years now it has ruined to serious relationships with the highest respect to the women I was dating, I came to the 6years of both these relationships when I felt that they deserve better and said it will never change I will be like this the rest of my life as much as it hurt I wanted more for them. I've made alot of changes in my life and a year ago moved to a remote location to try and figure out what I want from life achieve a goal for myself. Things were going good with very down times but pushed through, I went on a holiday to get my belongings car, boat on my way back my car blew up and I returned with a bag of clothes since then it's been a battle thoughts of self harm which I always have were much worse, I have lost my job spent over a week in bed and now can't see my family for Christmas, it's a viscous cycle that I can't see an end to and don't know what to do about it.

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[Pixie15]

Hello Damo23,

It sounds like you have been having a really hard time. Are you still living in your remote location? Does that mean you are living in a small town or have you gone bush?

I have been depressed but I have not suffered depression. I think there is a difference. I am sorry you felt it necessary to end two relationships because you suffer depression. My partner suffers depression and I would not leave him because of that. I do not like to see him suffering needlessly though so I am most bothered by him not seeking the help he needs.

Have you thought about moving back closer to your family? We all need support sometimes.

Grateful.

[Neil_1]

Hi Damo

When you’re battling depression and anxiety, it’s a real battle (as you would know), but then to be dealt with the issue of your car blowing up and losing your job, this only serves to make your suffering so MUCH harder.  And then you’re dealing with thoughts of self-harming also – I hope that you’re winning that battle at the very least.

Judging by where you say you are – remote location – I’m gathering that the support networks for you there would be minimal at best;  is that correct?  As Grateful mentioned, is there any chance you could move back to your family – or at least to somewhere that might be a bit larger with more possibilities for both finding a job;  but also for securing better options for seeking out your own support to help you through.

I think this is a very tough situation for you right now – and I do hope you can get back to us to let us know how you’re travelling and if ok to do so, to answer some of the questions we’ve put to you?

Thanx

Neil

[Asche]

Damo, I hear a lot of what you're saying. As someone who's experienced his own decade of depression, so much of what you're mentioning is familiar. The sacrificed relationships, the inability to move...I understand it completely. I've given up opportunities - jobs, friendships and loved ones, always thinking that they'd be better off without me, without this dour, unsmiling, broken husk of a human being weighing upon them, spoiling their happiness. Thinking that it was better to give up than to try and fail. It always seems like the right decision at that moment.

As time passes, and my depression ebbs, I wonder whether I gave those up for their sake, or whether it was simply because I was too scared to go on the journeys they would lead me. Because even though it might've killed me to stay in my depressed corner of existence, to remain in my stagnant little pond, at the least, I knew that pond. I knew what it was capable of, what it did and though I slowly died from drinking its poisoned waters every day, it still felt like the preferable option to going out, risking a limb and having my hopes dashed to pieces in an instant. "Better the devil you know". As it turns out, uncertainty is a whole lot scarier than death.

But that's probably not the most accurate account of things either. The truth is probably some twisted mix of the two. In any case, the two factors are absolutely fantastic at imprisoning people in that vicious cycle of inactivity, fear and pain.

I'll be honest. I don't have a cure for it. But perhaps you could turn one against the other? I know how difficult it can be to care about yourself, but clearly your kindness for others is undiminished. Maybe you could use that to your advantage. You live in a rural region so I'm not sure how plentiful the opportunities are over there, but perhaps you could try volunteering? It can be terrifying dealing with people, but you might find it a little easier to bear, knowing that your suffering has a purpose beyond yourself.

[Damo23]

Firstly thanks to all that have replied I know I'm not alone with my illness but it does give me some more strength to have a stranger willing to offer help, I'm currently still in remote area, out bush help is available here but my focus is on finding my way to family and friends for Christmas. This will help me the most at the moment, I care for everyone that crosses my path and will volunteer my time when I reach my destination I'm struggling to get there but I will get there. You're right when you say the devil you know, this I'm trying to change what I'm doing isn't working this is my reason for seeking guidance here thank you again for your support. Damo

[Damo23]

Thanks for the reply, currently I'm still in a remote location a small town out bush, your right there is a difference being depressed and suffering from it but neither is easy and from your post your here more for support for.your partner which I think is amazing full credit to you it's the little things that you can understand that will make the world of difference, I am a strong willed man at my times of good health which I like about myself but puts alot of pressure me when I'm down, simply things I would normally get through I struggle with,it eats me am trying to just complete the simple things now. My relationships offered the help but I didn't want to help myself this is a hard road to go down but stick in their and he will realise you are a huge help and motivator in my case this is most important. Do something you enjoy twice a week, I left them behind moving out here and.realise that now. You are strong and positive thankyou please if I can help you in any way I would like to. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Damo23,

I joined BB when I ran out of coping ability last year so I know what it is like to hit rock bottom. It has been helpful I think in trying to understand my partner more and also myself.

I have some anxious features which are a learnt behavior and I did a course of CBT last year and learnt some better coping methods which has really helped me.

My partner is a creative person whereas I like to think of myself as a practical person. We have been together over 30 years however he was only first diagnosed and received some help a few years back. I feel responsible that he did not get any help sooner. Although the help that is available seems to be a lot better now than 30 years.

I know what you mean about wanting to be strong. It is a good to the extent that you can help yourself but I think we really need someone else sometimes like I did last year with the therapy.

You have all ready been a help to me.

Grateful.