l know that l have depression but ...

lazerus · ‎02-11-2015

I know l am depressed. I have never felt lower, more alone and more isolated in my life. I have no family living within 500kmh's of me and then its only an elderly parent with no coping mechanisms of their own. My dog is my constant and only companion. Four years ago my life was at its most content then out of right field a major health crisis left me disabled and with acquired brain injury. After over 18 months scrapping and crawling my way back my partner turned on me. I became homeless and left with virtually nothing. I couldnt afford housing in any form where l was living (unless l gave away the one security and love l knew, my dog) so l took what l did have and moved clean across the country hoping for a new start. I ended up even more isolated and alone than ever. I cannot cope with people; l find building friendships challenging and maintaining them even harder. l did find some volunteer work that l thought l would enjoy. Then l thought things had really changed and l secured a part time job (ironically in a mental health related field). The employer seemed very empathetic to my abi and disability and the part time hours where to be flexible but after barely 2 months l am going to throw it in. I just cannot cope with it and this now is adding a huge burden on my loss of self esteem, frustration and lack of self worth. As a former professional in my field and with a lot of education and decades of work experience l feel l have hit an even lower point than when l lost my home and what had been a loving long term relationship. I have always managed to have the resilience and resources to find a way back or to break things down to start to find a way back but not now. I feel overwhelmed, emotional, in trying to deal with people l feel its all too much; cognitively l am so overwhelmed l just cannot relate to people or manage any interpersonal relationships. l feel like l am on another planet that l have nothing in common with people. The day to day challenges of trying to keep up appearances so to speak is getting beyond me. I will not talk to my GP, l do not trust her. Heck, after the wheels fell off 2 years ago l was put on anxiety medication and my current GP is trying to get me off it ! I am running out of characters to explain that. I know l need help but realistically l dont want it ! Its all too much effort and whats it going to do ? Not much in the long run because much of what needs to change cant; l have tried before and ended up back here !

gremz · ‎03-11-2015

Its sounds like your a really strong, motivated and lovely person, its so great that you have just kept pushing after all that has happened. I can imagine that it must be extremely frustrating that you have ended up here.

Its great that you have a dog, because I think animals are the best for depression. If you don't think the conventional way of finding help works for you, maybe you could consider other options. What worked for me was finding a different style of counselling - rather than CBT I found Acceptance and Commitment as I struggle to accept what I cannot change.
Maybe you are an arty person or respond well to music or have an interest that you still haven't discovered.
I think the volunteering is a great idea and with the job, maybe you are just not fully ready to take on that much at this point, which doesn't mean that it will be like that forever or that there is anything wrong with you. Take time to let yourself heal from the events that you encountered and build yourself back up.

I hope that things improve for you and that you can find your way through this unfortunate part of your life. Here at BeyondBlue there will be no end to people that will offer support and friendship.

Annabelle1234 · ‎03-11-2015

Hi Lazarus

I don't have much to say but reading you post was spine chilling for me. I want you to know that from what I've read you are an amazing strong character. You are an inspiration from all that you have overcome. From what I read you have gone out of your comfort zone to change your life. It seems your coming up to some road blocks but doesn't that come with every decision to make a change? I'm sure these are trials and tribulations that will have a way of overcoming and the bold move you made will pay off! As long as you stick to the character traits you've shown in your life I don't see how something will give. I really hope al the best for you and you have Deffinitley motivated me to be stronger.

geoff · ‎04-11-2015

dear Annabelle, hi, and it's good to be able to talk with you.

Gremz has made some great points, but I'm interested about your head injury, as I also had one years ago, and my life started to change.

These road blocks that we face are also very interesting, and they involve so many different issues, family, friends, work, confidence, associating with work mates or friends and the list goes on, and yes when we are feeling well we can easily overcome them, but when we hit a snag in life, like head injury and depression we aren't able to overcome any of these problems, so they just mount up, one on top of the other and so on.

So what do we do, we aren't able to jump over them and when they appear we turn around and leave them, why would we even try to sort them out, because we aren't strong enough, so that's when we need the help of someone else.

When I was overcoming depression these blocks were still there, so what did I do, well two things, first I would turn in the other direction, and no not to become depressed, but to make my life turn a full circle, that is head in other the direction, and if I had to face them at any time, I knew that I couldn't overcome before, so I'm not going to try now, because if I did I was then likely to fall back into depression, and that's not what I would ever want to happen again, sure I do have relapses, but I know that they will pass in a short period of time.

By having a head injury only cripples you twice more, and unfortunately can accelerate your problems, so I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

lazerus · ‎10-11-2015

Well its been a week since l last posted, thanks for the comments people have posted. Life since then has gone on an even deeper spiral. I learned of the death of an "associate" who lived with the same medical conditions l do; cardiac and CVA's. Similar age to me, we had indirectly supported and tried to support each other. I lost my job today; so much for working for a so called mental health provider who believes in supporting and helping people to find new tomorrows *bulldung* . Yes maybe it had of been too much intially but was working towards ensuring it got some balance that l could cope and manage but with some time and support l could have built it into a positive experience instead all l copped was judgement and negatives about my so called behaviour; which l was super sensitive about anyway. I wasn't even given a chance. I am feeling really overwhelmed but l do not want help. I just need to vent, to make the decisions l need to make, to make my choices regardless of where they might lead. Its my choice now. My physical pain levels have been high for several days now. I found the "template" response from Beyond Blue as follow up to my initial posting a tad annoying; in self care saying things like "Stay connected to friends and family and use support groups" ... like hello what did l say ? l dont have these and cant maintain those relationships. Also l found it offensive to assume that everyone uses drugs and alcohol. I dont need those in my life and never have done. Eat healthy ? who can afford that or even has the energy to be bothered and as for "participating in enjoyable activities" who has the energy or can be bothered. Thanks everyone for the comments again. Take care.

lazerus · ‎11-11-2015

This will be my last posting here; there is little point in saying anymore. Its the same rhetoric as always and same thing day after grinding day after grinding week/month/year. No l dont need saving, l dont need help, l do not need to be defined by others ideas of the value and meanings of so called life. The value of life is not existing, waking up to the same everyday, things that cannot change or be changed or the challenges that just cannot be overcome because the factors needed to change them do not exist. Hope is a futile thing when it is a false hope, a shadow cast from a deep abyss. Quality of life often gets thrown around; but it is a subjective judgement and is exactly that a subjective judgement. It is shaming others into towing a line a line that says there has to be hope, there is better, with time and support you can get to this or that point but why use so much energy to get to that point when the reality you wake up too each day is realistically no different to what it is ever going to be ? You cant change the fact you cannot work, you cannot change where you live because of the socio economic realities of your life and the world in which we exist, you cannot change the fact you do not have family nor the fact you do not have friends because trying to build relationships is something that you cannot do and those few that might be called "friends" have their lives to live and that involves being in a world you cannot be such as working, having family, having friends of their own, doing things they enjoy but you cannot afford, even simple things like going to the pictures and anyway whats the point of that ? Its no different to someone who seeks solace in substances; it only blurs the reality briefly and soon the reality of life and where you are at comes back to slap you in the face and riding that roller coaster only saps more energy. I wish others well in their journey, whatever that may be and may you find a way to a place of peace and reconciliation in your mind that allows you to keep going. It is not an easy journey but it is about choices and my choices are mine alone to make, l respect your choices, l applaud your choices and for having the strength and courage but more importantly the resources to build your resilience to keep going. Kia kaha.

Mangof · ‎11-11-2015

Kia Ora Lazarus,

i take it you are Maori from the end of you message, I to am Maori and to read your message saddens me to the core, many on here have suffered some worse than others, many are also of Maori descent I never thought my life would crumble but it did and has its ups and down but never have I given up you mentioned you don't want help my question is WHY? Our condition is hard to live with impossible to understand unless you have travelled this road. Is all hope really gone or have you given up to soon? Loneliness and isolation in a country that is not our own is probably a contributing factor here also have you heard of the koha shed Australia kiwis helping people that have lost or are in need of help, contact them maybe they can help you, please you are not alone and certainly life has some happiness stored somewhere just for you and you kuri. Kia kaha e hoa you come from a strong

people maybe being around some caring kiwis might help you get back on your feet I'm not judging you in anyway shape or form just reminding you that there are options still available to you. Arohanui

Sophie_M · ‎12-11-2015

Hi Lazerus
It would be sad to see you leave our forums as you have offered such encouragement in your latest post. You are
right, life is all about choices and everyone needs to consider their own options, but that does not stop us from caring for you and wanting to support you. You have said that you do not want help - but would you like to keep
talking with us here? Sharing your thoughts and ideas? It might be about how you are feeling or maybe it is about something else that is going on in your life. Maybe you and Mangof could share with us a little bit about how illness is approached from a Maori culture? Is there something in the Maori culture that could also help others understand more about themselves, their journey and their choices?

From your posts it sounds like you have lots of experience both with helping others but also with your own personal struggles. We understand that what you do from here is up to you, but we wanted to reassure you that we care and that while it is not a belief that we both might share at the moment –we do believe there is still hope for your future. We are really sorry if our earlier reply annoyed you more than it did offer you support; we just wanted to let you know we are here if you want to ever talk with us.

Please reconsider whether our online community can offer you some support or simply some interesting conversation. The community is full of people with all sorts of experiences, beliefs and journeys and we would welcome your contribution.