Just Need to Let It Out

[CafeLatte]

I have been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 5 years, I am on medication, my doctor says he's surprised at how well I cope, I am open and honest about my  bipolar.  But when you are down you are down, I try not to let it explode, I try not to take it out on those around me, I have learnt it is best to say "my bipolar is giving me a bad time".

But sometime you need to let all the garbage in your head out, but experience has taught me you don't talk to other people with issues as it makes mine worse, talking to friends can be OK but they can only handle it once or twice, my husband as brilliant as he is, has worn enough. So there is no one to talk to.

I am down, I am heading to the bottom and I know it, I know I will crash - I have held it off for as long as I can, 3-5 weeks, I know I will have to take a couple of days off work and deal with it but I am over fighting it.  Since being on medication I can see it happening I try to stop it, I am lucky sometimes it works, I haven't had a major for 18 months and my majors seem to not last long, getting to the bottom does but once there I seem to pick up the pieces and move on.  I have to keep finding new ways to get through it; there is no rhyme or reason as to why it happens it just happens.

 I needed to say this I can’t say it out loud, I have walked away from this a few times as the tears slip I know I will have to let go and deal with the down.  Thank you for listening I can go and let go now and start the journey back up to day to day living.

[HighwayToHell]

If there is one thing this illness has taught me it is this:

If you want to land on your feet, you have to jump first.  You have done that by reaching out on this forum when you felt you had no place else (safe) to go.

You are correct that the downs are inevitable, same as the too-highs that will eventually follow.  I try to take the view that it is only the degree that varies and you can only manage what is in front of you.  The fact you can even articulate what is happening is a good thing and you recognise your symptoms for what they are.  

What I aim for is semi-permanent remission based on the best I can do with whatever I am dealing with at the time.  Not what anyone else thinks, not what the Drs say I should be at for stage X,, Y or Z, but the best YOU can do.  You are doing your best and that is way good enough.

Please stay in touch with us while you ride it out and please pick up the phone and call one of the relevant numbers on the home page if you need to.  You are an important person and have people who love you.  Stay with it.  Take Care.

[CafeLatte]

I am fortunate that I have a great doctor. About an hour after my post I headed off to see him. This down is different I cannot find a reason for it. The doctor said there doesn't need to be a reason we are dealing with chemicals. After talking we realised I am coming off a large high, for six weeks up to Christmas I was flat to the boards and enjoying it.  Shorter sleep etc

I know I'm still going slide along the bottom for a bit but with your reply and my doctors help I will crawl back up.  Thanks for the reply and listening.

[HighwayToHell]

Hey CafeLatte - how are you doing today?

[CafeLatte]

Hi Highway - I can't add "ToHell" because you have helped back from hell. Yesterday was very foggy one half of the brain was trying to keep me down the other half was try to get me up and moving. I kept going back to semi-permeant remission and it made a lot of sense.  I thought it had been 18 months since my last major low. It has been over two years according to the doctor.  With these two statements "remission"  "over 2 years" and looking around at what I have, I have lifted out of the fog.

Now the path back up and onto as even a keel as I can. I know it will be rocky but I have done it before and by gum I will do it again. 

Thanks Highway - is kinda nice to be able to say things and know they are understood for what they are and that someone is happy to listen. 🙂

CafeLatte

[geoff]

dear CafeLatte, it doesn't matter one iota what type of depression you, me and all the others have they are affect us in a negative way, however with bipolar there is a problem in that you have your highs and lows, and by having these highs it gives you a false feeling that we have overcome this illness, but when the lows come they seem to hit you much harder so the fall feels worse.

I don't believe that you can automatically raise your mood from being low to being on a high, and you can correct me please if I'm wrong, and that your brain just creates this feeling all by itself.

I am interested as to whether the change in mood can happen by some event or does it just happen by itself, although you have mentioned ' no rhyme or reason as to why it happens'.

You have also said that your husband has had enough, or something to that effect, but I wonder whether he understands what this illness is all about, and not just by living with you, because they seem to view it in a different way, like 'what it is doing to the marriage, finances etc', and don't recognise it's true make up like for someone else. L Geoff. x

[JessF]

Hi CafeLatte, it sounds like you have a good awareness of when you're going up and when you're going down which is great, a lot of people who have bipolar don't and that makes the ups and downs so much more confusing and horrible. I know its hard to let things out to friends and family because we feel over time like we're wearing them down and burdening them. But the good ones are there for the long haul.

[CafeLatte]

Geoff I was diagnosed with depression for many years, and then bipolar.  When I researched bipolar I realised my life made sense. When I was first on medication I didn't take well to it and took myself off it.  I had a major low and I realised I was bipolar for life and I accepted it. 

My moods can change quicker than it takes you to drink a cup of coffee without any reason, before Meds the highs were higher and the lows lower, now the extremes are further apart and I can see them.  I used to think there was a reason and sometimes there is, when I got made redundant, when my a amazing mother passed, when I got my cruiser motorcycle for my 50th but now I realised there doesn't need to be a reason it just the bipolar, sometimes I can catch it, the lows and I have found a routine that can bring it right, the highs are never an issue. But sometimes like this time nothing I tried worked and I crashed.

My first husband feed my bipolar, emotionally and verbally abusive for years but he hit me that I wouldn't take.  My  now husband knew I had depression when I meet him he also new my son had ADHD.  My husband over the years has helped me be who I am now. Someone with bipolar, who accepts and knows it will get bad now and then and must deal with.  It is emotionally tough on him seeing his wife in pain and not being able to take it away.  He works at a special school, he has seen worse, he talks to my doctor with my permission with and without me to understand.  I have tried to change how I use to deal with it which was destructive, I don't want to lose what I have now, I decided to come here to give him a break, but he has seen my posts and he will see this.

When I first read your post I was a bit angry, I felt like you were attacking me and my husband but as I started to type I realised I know I will always have bipolar, there will be times when things will be good and bad, and everyone in life has that.  I have worked hard in the last 5 years to deal with my bipolar and to not take it out on others and look around and go "yeah you are doing OK".

I know I'm not out of the woods just yet but I have take a big jump and the is light at the end of the tunnel on this episode, in hindsight I was ADHD as a kid, my mother pushed me hard and gave me a real backbone.  It has made me tough and maybe it is why it took me so long to get diagnosed as I new what was acceptable and not. I like my bipolar brain most of the time nowadays I realise it has made me good at my job (work has and is my saving grace as it keep me busy and the thoughts away) it has allowed me to do craft and make some money at it my brain works so differently to others I mull something that starts as a tile and makes beautiful coaster that people enjoy.

My bipolar is going to hit me hard again, I will find a way to deal with it, in the last five years it has got easier, I know I have bipolar, my start, the medication has slowed things down a bit (I went too far for awhile and was a zombie) it allows me to see around the bend a bit, it allows me to deal with it without being destructive and hurtful, I have support from my doctor, friends and most of all my husband.  This major low could have been much worse if I hadn't worked so hard to put all this in place.

My future looks good, I will make it to retirement, I will do crafting full time and I will have another bipolar episode but with my husband I will have a wonderful life. 

Geoff thanks, you took a slightly better day and made me realise I am fortunate in what I have and I will get through this and the next one.

Have a great day 🙂 CafeLatte

[CafeLatte]

Thanks JessF.  I have friends that would be here in a flash, but I think sometimes it is is vanity, my friends are all aware but I'm not a nice person right now, better than yesterday though.  I know coming out the other side is when I will need them most to have a reason to go out the front door.  Maybe tomorrow.

[geoff]

dear CafeLatte, I appreciate your reply and I am pleased that you have raised this point back to me, as it's so hard difficult for someone who has not had bipolar and then try and relate back to you, because the understanding of this illness is something that we don't know about.

I will reply again tomorrow as my hours of activity are that I go to bed early, because of heavy medication, and this is from doses of high antiepileptic, and unfortunately a lot goes on while I am asleep in regards to replies to and from.

I will never try and upset anybody, that's not my intention, it's only to help you and those that are requiring help, so I'm sorry if I did this. L Geoff. x